Well it's the end of 2009 and some of you may have recieved a text from me this morning. Apologies for my little bit of phone spam, but this is my New Year's Eve charity drive!
I want y'all to consider donating to my challenge, and more importantly to SANE.org.uk (via this website) on this particular day of the year, where 90%* of the planet will be getting more than a few bevvies down their gullets!
* - true facts, not just some random figure I've pulled out of the air... Well OK it is of course, but still, you get the idea, right?
Please consider donating while considering the massive* sacrifice I am making in the name of charity.
* - well, massive for me anyway.
This time last year I would have already been on my way through a crate of buck fast, well OK I'm exaggerating of course, but hey, this is how they do it in all those preachy charity commercials...
Anyway, tonight is significant for me. When I decided to do this challenge the first thing I thought was, "but how will I resist drinking over New Years Eve?" and in fact I was originally planning to begin the challenge on 1st January 2010, so that I could have my big, end-of-the-year piss up!
So if you want to give a little nod and raise a glass for myself then why not donate the cost of that one pint you might have bought me on this merry ocassion and give it to a worthy charity instead?
Thanks for all your support in 2009 and I hope you all have a lovely New Year's Eve and then an even better 2010!
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Caffeine
I remember when I was about 15, a few friends and I were at a houseparty. We were drinking alco-pops and getting typically silly, typsy and wrecking all around us.
Someone suggested trying Pro-Plus: The caffeine tablets that are designed to prevent you from falling asleep. So I took a few of these. They didn't seem to have any physical effect, I thought, as I climbed into a wardrobe and refused to come out. Several hours later I was still tweaking. I was in a violent mood, I wanted to fight or wrestle or smash something, or someone.
Eventually this pent up energy was unleashed on a close friend and it all ended in me shouting abuse it him. Somehow he was the source of my annoyance and frustration. Immediately after we fell out, I felt terrible. I knew I had been wrong, but I also felt apologising was pointless, as he wouldn't be able to believe I was sincere after seeing me behave like such a totally different person.
Weeks or maybe months later we were able to be friends again, but I never felt our relationship completely healed after my caffeine fuelled outburst.
Needless to say, I now realise that another chemical to add to my list of "substances that I react badly too" is caffeine. Today I've been feeling that same sense of pent up energy that is begging to be unleashed on something or someone quite violently or explosively.
If I could channel it creatively, then we'd all be good, but it's very hard to focus. Writing this right now, is my attempt at pulling on the reins a bit.
I'm off to Tescos in a minute to get me some decaf. Hopefully I don't kill anyone on my way to the checkout.
Someone suggested trying Pro-Plus: The caffeine tablets that are designed to prevent you from falling asleep. So I took a few of these. They didn't seem to have any physical effect, I thought, as I climbed into a wardrobe and refused to come out. Several hours later I was still tweaking. I was in a violent mood, I wanted to fight or wrestle or smash something, or someone.
Eventually this pent up energy was unleashed on a close friend and it all ended in me shouting abuse it him. Somehow he was the source of my annoyance and frustration. Immediately after we fell out, I felt terrible. I knew I had been wrong, but I also felt apologising was pointless, as he wouldn't be able to believe I was sincere after seeing me behave like such a totally different person.
Weeks or maybe months later we were able to be friends again, but I never felt our relationship completely healed after my caffeine fuelled outburst.
Needless to say, I now realise that another chemical to add to my list of "substances that I react badly too" is caffeine. Today I've been feeling that same sense of pent up energy that is begging to be unleashed on something or someone quite violently or explosively.
If I could channel it creatively, then we'd all be good, but it's very hard to focus. Writing this right now, is my attempt at pulling on the reins a bit.
I'm off to Tescos in a minute to get me some decaf. Hopefully I don't kill anyone on my way to the checkout.
Monday, 28 December 2009
Day 60
So Christmas time with my family was bloody great fun! And even though I should maybe resist the urge to say it, I firmly believe removing alcohol from my life has made me appreciate the value of friends, family and general relationships with human beings. Which is good.
So what pressies did I get for Chrimbo?
Well I got the obligatory crap clothes (might wear the jeans though), underwear and a selection box, but I also got MONEY!! (Yay! That'll go towards my London trip in January!), a Stylophone and a new coffee percolator. I've been wanting one of these for a while and now I can have that pleasing ritual, smell and taste of coffee in my kitchen every morning, allowing me to assume a faint air of maturity and sophistication. Though after 3 Espressos today, I'm gonna have to get myself some decaf.... JITTER-TASTIC!!
Other than that, fun times out 'clubbing' (sort of) on Boxing Day and yesterday. Enjoying some new films and generally lazing about. I might be working on NYE but nothing confirmed yet. If I get out of it I'll be seeing in the new year at my sister's house, with a nice big dinner and more family larfs. So fingers crossed!
So what pressies did I get for Chrimbo?
Well I got the obligatory crap clothes (might wear the jeans though), underwear and a selection box, but I also got MONEY!! (Yay! That'll go towards my London trip in January!), a Stylophone and a new coffee percolator. I've been wanting one of these for a while and now I can have that pleasing ritual, smell and taste of coffee in my kitchen every morning, allowing me to assume a faint air of maturity and sophistication. Though after 3 Espressos today, I'm gonna have to get myself some decaf.... JITTER-TASTIC!!
Other than that, fun times out 'clubbing' (sort of) on Boxing Day and yesterday. Enjoying some new films and generally lazing about. I might be working on NYE but nothing confirmed yet. If I get out of it I'll be seeing in the new year at my sister's house, with a nice big dinner and more family larfs. So fingers crossed!
Friday, 25 December 2009
Day 56 (Christmas)
This morning I woke up with just the right mix of joy, self-satisfaction and desire.
I felt joy at the idea of Christmas and that feeling of everyone around you, all your neighbours, all the politicians and famous people, all feeling that same subtle sense of warmness and festive cheer to some degree. I also felt a sense of joy that I am able to wake from my bed, see that the sun is out, it isn’t as cold as other days and that I have an excuse to feel relaxed and rested. My sister is coming later to pick me up, so no need to rush or do anything.
However, it was that perfect mix of feeling relaxed and content that made me want to pick up my guitar and continue working on my recent acoustic songs. It was the same feeling that made me believe in my abilities, my potential: A realistic concept of my potential instead of the blurry, daydream version I hold onto when feeling insecure.
It’s this sense of having all I need and being comfortable in myself that motivates my creative side. I need to wake up with that feeling more often.
I wish it could be Christmas everyday…
I felt joy at the idea of Christmas and that feeling of everyone around you, all your neighbours, all the politicians and famous people, all feeling that same subtle sense of warmness and festive cheer to some degree. I also felt a sense of joy that I am able to wake from my bed, see that the sun is out, it isn’t as cold as other days and that I have an excuse to feel relaxed and rested. My sister is coming later to pick me up, so no need to rush or do anything.
However, it was that perfect mix of feeling relaxed and content that made me want to pick up my guitar and continue working on my recent acoustic songs. It was the same feeling that made me believe in my abilities, my potential: A realistic concept of my potential instead of the blurry, daydream version I hold onto when feeling insecure.
It’s this sense of having all I need and being comfortable in myself that motivates my creative side. I need to wake up with that feeling more often.
I wish it could be Christmas everyday…
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Day 55
Well it's Christmas time again. I've got my pressies all wrapped up and I'm chilling out by the Christmas tree, with my laptop, broadband, external hard drive (with hundreds of films) and TV (just in case) all next to me. Oh and not to forget those lovely mince pies!
Heading up to my parents tomorrow and looking forward to the festivities. Yes, all those silly, pointless things that make Christmas what it is. I love them. Just for one day.
Other than that, not much to report. Been out a couple of times to bars with friends, have been questioned about my reasons for doing this Sober For A Year challenge a few times and have found zero temptation to drink. I guess there's sometimes a tiny little part of me thinking (as I predicted before it would) "I've quit long enough now, I've nothing more to prove anymore, a wee drink would hardly be a big deal now!" which is just my willingness to give into social pressure. My willingness to question my own principles. It still bothers me that I can give into self-doubt so easily. I guess I can be modest, I don't give myself enough credit for the cool things I have done in my life, because I think modesty is more 'attractive', but actually it often just means people don't respect you or take you so seriously.
Well, I see big changes in the New Year. New things and shiz. Hopefully.
For now, I'm away to watch some crap 80s Sci-Fi. Yeeeeeeeeeeeooooooo!!
Have a good one folks!!
Heading up to my parents tomorrow and looking forward to the festivities. Yes, all those silly, pointless things that make Christmas what it is. I love them. Just for one day.
Other than that, not much to report. Been out a couple of times to bars with friends, have been questioned about my reasons for doing this Sober For A Year challenge a few times and have found zero temptation to drink. I guess there's sometimes a tiny little part of me thinking (as I predicted before it would) "I've quit long enough now, I've nothing more to prove anymore, a wee drink would hardly be a big deal now!" which is just my willingness to give into social pressure. My willingness to question my own principles. It still bothers me that I can give into self-doubt so easily. I guess I can be modest, I don't give myself enough credit for the cool things I have done in my life, because I think modesty is more 'attractive', but actually it often just means people don't respect you or take you so seriously.
Well, I see big changes in the New Year. New things and shiz. Hopefully.
For now, I'm away to watch some crap 80s Sci-Fi. Yeeeeeeeeeeeooooooo!!
Have a good one folks!!
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Day 51
Today I was attacked by a group of teenagers who broke onto the site, (through the large opened gate, whoops) scared the fuck out of me when opening the door to my security hut and then pelting me with snowballs!
As I started chasing them I noticed about 10 more of the wee bastards at the gate ready and I was pelted with even more frosty love! They got me a few crackers right in the gob, knocking off my glasses at one point aswell. I tried to chase them back out, to get the gate locked, but several of them used their weight to prevent me from closing it. As I was on my own, there was pretty much fuck all I could do. I tried shouting at them, but eventually I just retreated to my security hut, locked the door and phoned the police.
Eventually the group (made up of about 15 or so little employees of Satan) just gave up and left. A few minutes after that I locked the gate. I then phoned the police back to earnestly tell them not to bother coming afterall.
Obviously it was the humiliation of the situation that stung the most, but I was most concerned about the fact that if they had been smart, or inclined, having seen that I was completely helpless on my own, they could have easily broke onto the site and done whatever they wanted. Causing damage to staff vehicles nearby and all the other property here.
Had they decided to split apart and run riot about the place, I would have been royally fucked! There was no way I would have been able to catch them all or chase them about the place.
It was kinda funny though. Had I been watching the whole ordeal from another perspective I would have found it all pretty hilarious actually.
The reason I didn't see them coming through the gate though is because the design of this hut is like a green house. There are many large windows, which means throughout the day, I was being blinded as the sun moved across the sky. There are no window shades or tinting, so to sit here all day in the one spot is to basically become a human pot plant absorbing all the lovely UV rays while your retinas are fried in the process.
To combat this, instead of blinds or tints on the windows, there are other chairs strategically placed around the room that I assume I am meant to move onto depending on the time of day and position of the sun! Yea, it's funny because it's true. *sigh*
So obviously I was sitting in a position to avoid the sun at the time these wee shites broke in. Well I say "broke in" what I really mean is "walk casually onto the site without being presented with the slightest challenge".
On the plus side, I actually have something to talk about to the other security guard when he arrives at 7pm to let me go.
As I started chasing them I noticed about 10 more of the wee bastards at the gate ready and I was pelted with even more frosty love! They got me a few crackers right in the gob, knocking off my glasses at one point aswell. I tried to chase them back out, to get the gate locked, but several of them used their weight to prevent me from closing it. As I was on my own, there was pretty much fuck all I could do. I tried shouting at them, but eventually I just retreated to my security hut, locked the door and phoned the police.
Eventually the group (made up of about 15 or so little employees of Satan) just gave up and left. A few minutes after that I locked the gate. I then phoned the police back to earnestly tell them not to bother coming afterall.
Obviously it was the humiliation of the situation that stung the most, but I was most concerned about the fact that if they had been smart, or inclined, having seen that I was completely helpless on my own, they could have easily broke onto the site and done whatever they wanted. Causing damage to staff vehicles nearby and all the other property here.
Had they decided to split apart and run riot about the place, I would have been royally fucked! There was no way I would have been able to catch them all or chase them about the place.
It was kinda funny though. Had I been watching the whole ordeal from another perspective I would have found it all pretty hilarious actually.
The reason I didn't see them coming through the gate though is because the design of this hut is like a green house. There are many large windows, which means throughout the day, I was being blinded as the sun moved across the sky. There are no window shades or tinting, so to sit here all day in the one spot is to basically become a human pot plant absorbing all the lovely UV rays while your retinas are fried in the process.
To combat this, instead of blinds or tints on the windows, there are other chairs strategically placed around the room that I assume I am meant to move onto depending on the time of day and position of the sun! Yea, it's funny because it's true. *sigh*
So obviously I was sitting in a position to avoid the sun at the time these wee shites broke in. Well I say "broke in" what I really mean is "walk casually onto the site without being presented with the slightest challenge".
On the plus side, I actually have something to talk about to the other security guard when he arrives at 7pm to let me go.
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Day 50
Weeeeeeeeeeee!!! 50 days sober.
Going strong. Going well. Just keeping on like the famous advertising bunny for a LARGE COMMERCIAL BRAND OF BATTERIES! UH! Yea... Mutha'uckers!
This week has been fairly lazy (again), some happenings:
I'm back to work at my wonderfully, lovely and not in any way boring and mind numbing totally dead end security guard job. Today I'm stationed in a tiny wee hut with no heat. Yay! At least I'm on my own and can amuse myself without the distraction of ... like... other people... Yay! I think... Going to be working over Christmas.
Some friends have buggered off for the holidays.
Been to a couple of gigs and things.
Started playing guitar and writing acoustic songs again.
Been letting my voice recover from the 4 hour practice with Hexxed last Saturday (still moaning about that as you can see).
Getting ready for Christmas-y things. And by 'getting ready' I mean, worrying about what crap meaningless and instantly forgettable present to buy my family for Consumerism-mas (too cynical?) ... I do like the Christmas day meal and stuff, so there, tidings to all men and t'ing.
In other newsy newsy news noos:
I was interviewed recently by Bangor Spectator regarding my experiences with Mephedrone. I have to be a little complain-y and say I was hoping the article didn't make me sound so anti-drugs, because actually I am not: Basically, I know my chemical make up, system and history to hazard a (sort of informed) guess that drugs (and alcohol) effect me in a way that doesn't represent the majority. The argument that people can take drugs and then go absolutely mental and schitzo do-lally etc. is a little bit similar to the argument for putting belts on cinema seats, because someone once fell off their chair, hurting their spleen from laughing so hard. Point is: Extreme (and fatal) reactions to illegal drug taking experiences are hardly as common place as deaths or illnesses related to alcohol, smoking, driving etc etc etc... Of course there is risk and danger with drugs, I just strongly believe the best way to approach these things is to be as well-informed as possible (i.e. gaining proper information and not just rumours from your mates) before taking risks with your health, (which I did say in the report).
Anyway, all my disclaimers aside, here's the article for those of you interested.
Hope this doesn't brand me as "drugs are bad mmmk?" guy, as that's never what I set out to be when I took on this challenge.
The point of my challenge is to get myself into a healthier state of mind, for the sake of my own mental health, based on my previous experiences with mental illness and other side effects of drink and drugs. I didn't do this to preach to any of my friends or anyone else on how they should live. It's also important for me that people know that I was never a "junkie" or an "alcoholic" before quitting drink and drugs. The reason I think it's an important distinction is because I believe people are more prejudiced against recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, seeing their recovery process as not so much a strong willed motivation to get better, but something that deserves contempt. Or they think that their recovery journey was enforced on them somehow, not a choice and so deserves no credit.
I think being a 'social drinker / user' and quitting can maybe stand to say more about are accepted norms regarding our intake of these things. Maybe.
Well this is all very serious, so here is a lovely wee festive animation from Mouth Trumpet, who have also been very awesome and linked this here blog into their "People We Like" page:
http://www.mouthtrumpet.com/xmas.html
Going strong. Going well. Just keeping on like the famous advertising bunny for a LARGE COMMERCIAL BRAND OF BATTERIES! UH! Yea... Mutha'uckers!
This week has been fairly lazy (again), some happenings:
I'm back to work at my wonderfully, lovely and not in any way boring and mind numbing totally dead end security guard job. Today I'm stationed in a tiny wee hut with no heat. Yay! At least I'm on my own and can amuse myself without the distraction of ... like... other people... Yay! I think... Going to be working over Christmas.
Some friends have buggered off for the holidays.
Been to a couple of gigs and things.
Started playing guitar and writing acoustic songs again.
Been letting my voice recover from the 4 hour practice with Hexxed last Saturday (still moaning about that as you can see).
Getting ready for Christmas-y things. And by 'getting ready' I mean, worrying about what crap meaningless and instantly forgettable present to buy my family for Consumerism-mas (too cynical?) ... I do like the Christmas day meal and stuff, so there, tidings to all men and t'ing.
In other newsy newsy news noos:
I was interviewed recently by Bangor Spectator regarding my experiences with Mephedrone. I have to be a little complain-y and say I was hoping the article didn't make me sound so anti-drugs, because actually I am not: Basically, I know my chemical make up, system and history to hazard a (sort of informed) guess that drugs (and alcohol) effect me in a way that doesn't represent the majority. The argument that people can take drugs and then go absolutely mental and schitzo do-lally etc. is a little bit similar to the argument for putting belts on cinema seats, because someone once fell off their chair, hurting their spleen from laughing so hard. Point is: Extreme (and fatal) reactions to illegal drug taking experiences are hardly as common place as deaths or illnesses related to alcohol, smoking, driving etc etc etc... Of course there is risk and danger with drugs, I just strongly believe the best way to approach these things is to be as well-informed as possible (i.e. gaining proper information and not just rumours from your mates) before taking risks with your health, (which I did say in the report).
Anyway, all my disclaimers aside, here's the article for those of you interested.
Hope this doesn't brand me as "drugs are bad mmmk?" guy, as that's never what I set out to be when I took on this challenge.
The point of my challenge is to get myself into a healthier state of mind, for the sake of my own mental health, based on my previous experiences with mental illness and other side effects of drink and drugs. I didn't do this to preach to any of my friends or anyone else on how they should live. It's also important for me that people know that I was never a "junkie" or an "alcoholic" before quitting drink and drugs. The reason I think it's an important distinction is because I believe people are more prejudiced against recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, seeing their recovery process as not so much a strong willed motivation to get better, but something that deserves contempt. Or they think that their recovery journey was enforced on them somehow, not a choice and so deserves no credit.
I think being a 'social drinker / user' and quitting can maybe stand to say more about are accepted norms regarding our intake of these things. Maybe.
Well this is all very serious, so here is a lovely wee festive animation from Mouth Trumpet, who have also been very awesome and linked this here blog into their "People We Like" page:
http://www.mouthtrumpet.com/xmas.html
Monday, 14 December 2009
wee announcements
Two things:
1. I've now turned on Email Notifications so I should be a lot better at responding to comments. Cheers for all the encouragement so far!
2. I posted about GiftAid recently and how the JustGiving page will add GiftAid for Paypal donations. Well basically I was wrong. I've since tested the system and GiftAid will be added for Paypal and/or Debit Card donations from anyone (who is a UK Taxpayer) so it's all good!
Not exactly sure what happened with a couple of the earlier donations, but they're all accounted for now. So keep 'em coming!
1. I've now turned on Email Notifications so I should be a lot better at responding to comments. Cheers for all the encouragement so far!
2. I posted about GiftAid recently and how the JustGiving page will add GiftAid for Paypal donations. Well basically I was wrong. I've since tested the system and GiftAid will be added for Paypal and/or Debit Card donations from anyone (who is a UK Taxpayer) so it's all good!
Not exactly sure what happened with a couple of the earlier donations, but they're all accounted for now. So keep 'em coming!
Day 45
Since posting before about the choices of non-alcoholic drinks available in bars, I've found something that seems to work pretty well.
*drum roll*
... Blackcurrant cordial !
It's refreshing, it's not too sweet and the price ranges from FREE to £1.
When in Dublin I was charged 1 euro per pint of it (90p).
In Belfast bars the price has been up and down.
In The Empire first it was £1 then it dropped to 20p (in the space of two rounds!)
In Lavery's it has been 20p and 25p, but mostly FREE!
In Menagerie it has always been FREE too.
I've also been charged 50p ... in some local pub...
So the soft drink market does fluctuate dramatically in this current economical climate it seems. Or depending on who serves you and what bar you're in (and how nice you smell or something), but a pretty inexpensive night out overall, yes sir!
*drum roll*
... Blackcurrant cordial !
It's refreshing, it's not too sweet and the price ranges from FREE to £1.
When in Dublin I was charged 1 euro per pint of it (90p).
In Belfast bars the price has been up and down.
In The Empire first it was £1 then it dropped to 20p (in the space of two rounds!)
In Lavery's it has been 20p and 25p, but mostly FREE!
In Menagerie it has always been FREE too.
I've also been charged 50p ... in some local pub...
So the soft drink market does fluctuate dramatically in this current economical climate it seems. Or depending on who serves you and what bar you're in (and how nice you smell or something), but a pretty inexpensive night out overall, yes sir!
Friday, 11 December 2009
day 42
Sober 6 weeks.
The last few days have involved (prepare for Bullet Points!! *KAPOW!*):
Hopefully going to be experiencing more of said 'Phat Beats' in the Menagerie tomorrow night, courtesy of ECKER Christmas Party. Yes please sir. I shall indeed have more bass in thine face! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
The last few days have involved (prepare for Bullet Points!! *KAPOW!*):
- Being interviewed about my experiences with Mephedrone (which will hopefully draw some folk to this blog).
- A lovely "not a party" with some very cool people. A Reich of 29 and 30 year olds (See here). It was LOVELY. LOVELY!!!
- The premier of Geoff Gatt's solo album "Ten Year Road" at the Black Box, where I caught up with a bunch of the old "Hippos Crowd" (people who I acted/sang alongside with, in Geoff's musical Hippos In The Shower)
- Potential for some gigs with a new electronic music project.
- A really enjoyable lunchtime concert performing with the QUBe.
- Seeing The Ex, 65DaysofStatic and Battles in Dublin. (Adebisi Shank also played but only caught their last song, I've seen them live a few times, they're awesome, just a shame the people I was with didn't get to... Well it was their own fault for dilly-dallying over their Guinness in the pub wasn't it? They've only got themselves to blame, don't they?... I digress. ) Anyway, 65Daysofstatic played some new stuff and it was insanely good! Big Prodigy-esque beats with guitars. I wasn't expecting it and I danced my boney ass off! Battles are amazing performers. Guitar and keyboard playing at the same time, along to bass loops, while John Stanier bangs the drums like a ticking machine (poor bugger): Quite an exciting experience. Although I must confess that I don't find their music that inspiring. Some very nice grooves, but a bit too much arsing about. Class musicians and totally on top of their game though.
Hopefully going to be experiencing more of said 'Phat Beats' in the Menagerie tomorrow night, courtesy of ECKER Christmas Party. Yes please sir. I shall indeed have more bass in thine face! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Monday, 7 December 2009
Mouth Trumpet
Check out my loverly yellow Mouth Trumpet T-shirt...
... This one is called "Burger Man".
Loads more at www.mouthtrumpet.com
... This one is called "Burger Man".
Loads more at www.mouthtrumpet.com
^_^
Sunday, 6 December 2009
Day 37
According to my calculations I am now 10.1% through my Sober For A Year Challenge.
For some reason it seems more significant when I look at it like that.
In other news, so far this weekend I've had two new sober experiences. These are both causing me to look at a few things in a new light.
And after much deliberation, I think I think this will lead to positive change. I think.
For some reason it seems more significant when I look at it like that.
In other news, so far this weekend I've had two new sober experiences. These are both causing me to look at a few things in a new light.
And after much deliberation, I think I think this will lead to positive change. I think.
Friday, 4 December 2009
Day 35
Just a quick post to say...
FIVE WEEKS SOBER! Whoo-hoo!!
I've been busy this week with sound design (for an animation) and preparation for a Doctor Lilt gig tomorrow night in Lavery's Bunker (more info here).
Tonight I'm looking forward to getting out of the house to see Rachel Austin playing in Charlies Cafe at 7pm!
Meanwhile, check out these awesome cats:
Mouth Trumpet
They make some very cool T-shirts and all being well they will be supporting my Sober For A Year Challenge. More on this soon!
FIVE WEEKS SOBER! Whoo-hoo!!
I've been busy this week with sound design (for an animation) and preparation for a Doctor Lilt gig tomorrow night in Lavery's Bunker (more info here).
Tonight I'm looking forward to getting out of the house to see Rachel Austin playing in Charlies Cafe at 7pm!
Meanwhile, check out these awesome cats:
Mouth Trumpet
They make some very cool T-shirts and all being well they will be supporting my Sober For A Year Challenge. More on this soon!
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Giftaid
Giftaid is pretty sweet:
"Gift aid is tax relief on money donated to UK charities.
"Gift aid is tax relief on money donated to UK charities.
We treat donations as if the donor had already deducted basic rate tax from them. The charity can then reclaim this tax to increase the value of a donation."
Basically this means that for every £5 donation there's an extra £1.41 in Giftaid that the charity gets. That's the good news.
The bad news is that something (I'm yet to fully understand, even after the Just Giving help team and I have been emailing back and forth) is preventing people from donating using a debit card. Apparently when you choose this option the donation goes into my Paypal account, but it doesn't go through JustGiving.com, meaning no Giftaid is added.
I guess it's a bit of a shame that some donations won't be able to recieve the added bonus of Giftaid, but I don't want to scare people off from donating with whatever means they have, so please keep it coming!
As for the debit card donations, I've put them through JustGiving from my Paypal account.
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Day 30
In the last week or so I've thought about drinking a couple of times. I've had a tiny niggling feeling that I'm missing out on some of the banter and parties will never be the same again.
On the other hand, I've had some really nice times hanging out with friends recently and have enjoyed those situations much more than any number of piss-ups. Simply because I'm no longer a drunken mess yammering nonsense into people's earholes and when I reflect upon these things afterwards I don't feel that ache of guilt that I was being an ass, saying things I shouldn't have or that I was acting like a totally different person.
My will is strong and I know I won't fail, but I have a dark premonition of how I will try to sabotage my progress. These last 4 weeks have been a great period of growing clarity, like opening my eyes slowly, or waking up out of a light sleep, but in 2 or 3 months time I will take all this clarity and positivity for granted and my head will be saying things like, "there's no need to stay sober anymore, you're better now, you're happier" or "look at all the fun you're missing out on, don't you think you've sacrificed the 'good times' enough?"
Though even as I type that I find it hard to believe those thoughts will get much attention.
That's why this blog is important to me. It's important to keep a check on these things: a form of self-counselling. It's important that I do this challenge in steps, stop to reflect regularly and keep myself aware of the internal processes that are going on that might be trying to help or hinder me.
In other news, tonight was so much fucking great fun!
Hexxed band practice: Excellent riffage and lots of mental jams. Then home for food, then meeting up with Rachel, Paul and Caroline. Then Pizza! Then lip synching, choreography and Ronan Keating... I shall say no more.
On the other hand, I've had some really nice times hanging out with friends recently and have enjoyed those situations much more than any number of piss-ups. Simply because I'm no longer a drunken mess yammering nonsense into people's earholes and when I reflect upon these things afterwards I don't feel that ache of guilt that I was being an ass, saying things I shouldn't have or that I was acting like a totally different person.
My will is strong and I know I won't fail, but I have a dark premonition of how I will try to sabotage my progress. These last 4 weeks have been a great period of growing clarity, like opening my eyes slowly, or waking up out of a light sleep, but in 2 or 3 months time I will take all this clarity and positivity for granted and my head will be saying things like, "there's no need to stay sober anymore, you're better now, you're happier" or "look at all the fun you're missing out on, don't you think you've sacrificed the 'good times' enough?"
Though even as I type that I find it hard to believe those thoughts will get much attention.
That's why this blog is important to me. It's important to keep a check on these things: a form of self-counselling. It's important that I do this challenge in steps, stop to reflect regularly and keep myself aware of the internal processes that are going on that might be trying to help or hinder me.
In other news, tonight was so much fucking great fun!
Hexxed band practice: Excellent riffage and lots of mental jams. Then home for food, then meeting up with Rachel, Paul and Caroline. Then Pizza! Then lip synching, choreography and Ronan Keating... I shall say no more.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Day 28
Four weeks sober! Whoo hoo!! Break out the champa... err... no hold on.
Well, aside from a random headache the last couple of days (that comes and goes, seemingly directly related to the weather) I've been feeling very good. I've been getting some new (Doctor Lilt) tunes down, keeping myself busy with all things music and generally getting on with stuff.
I had a truly life affirming experience at the Black Box last Sunday for The Carousel gig. It featured a bunch of brilliant local musicians sitting around the audience and taking turns playing, either their own self-penned songs, or improvising completely on their instrument. Once one musician was elected to begin a piece the others would then join in with whatever they felt worked. It was most pleasing because of the Jools Holland style pace of moving between each musician and there were interesting musical extremes all round. A lot of folk / singer songwriter type stuff, but a lot of performers with their own distinct approaches and voices, in total contrast to the free improv LSD-trip style wigging out sessions that sprang up a few times too.
I felt incredibly self-conscious from where I sat as I couldn't contain how moved I was by certain musicians and yet I didn't want to draw attention to who I was focusing on. I smiled a lot and felt more than a few goosebumps break out. With a couple of performances I had to just cover my mouth for fear of catching flies as my jaw lay on the floor.
A really great show, the next one is sometime in February I believe. I can't wait.
Other than that this week has felt nice and full. Today I was practicing with Fragile Human Organs for the first time. We had plenty of technical difficulties as we try to work out how samples, electronics and effects are shared among the band and the logicistics of all that, but jamming through things is sounding good.
I'm looking forward to it all coming together over the coming weeks with FHO fo' sho! Tomorrow I'll be practicing with Hexxed for the first time.
Well, aside from a random headache the last couple of days (that comes and goes, seemingly directly related to the weather) I've been feeling very good. I've been getting some new (Doctor Lilt) tunes down, keeping myself busy with all things music and generally getting on with stuff.
I had a truly life affirming experience at the Black Box last Sunday for The Carousel gig. It featured a bunch of brilliant local musicians sitting around the audience and taking turns playing, either their own self-penned songs, or improvising completely on their instrument. Once one musician was elected to begin a piece the others would then join in with whatever they felt worked. It was most pleasing because of the Jools Holland style pace of moving between each musician and there were interesting musical extremes all round. A lot of folk / singer songwriter type stuff, but a lot of performers with their own distinct approaches and voices, in total contrast to the free improv LSD-trip style wigging out sessions that sprang up a few times too.
I felt incredibly self-conscious from where I sat as I couldn't contain how moved I was by certain musicians and yet I didn't want to draw attention to who I was focusing on. I smiled a lot and felt more than a few goosebumps break out. With a couple of performances I had to just cover my mouth for fear of catching flies as my jaw lay on the floor.
A really great show, the next one is sometime in February I believe. I can't wait.
Other than that this week has felt nice and full. Today I was practicing with Fragile Human Organs for the first time. We had plenty of technical difficulties as we try to work out how samples, electronics and effects are shared among the band and the logicistics of all that, but jamming through things is sounding good.
I'm looking forward to it all coming together over the coming weeks with FHO fo' sho! Tomorrow I'll be practicing with Hexxed for the first time.
Sunday, 22 November 2009
Day 23
Not much more to report. I was out last night drinking alcohol free BitBurger. It was OK.
Here's a brief list of non-alcoholic beverages I might prefer to drink in a bar:
1. Pure fruit juice (like orange / pineapple / raspberry) or smoothies.
PROS: Tasty, healthy (possibly)
CONS: Keeps ye regular... Maybe too regular. Expensive! Bars tend to charge £1.50 for about 200ml of juice. Personally I think that's a bit of a rip off.
2. Thick ice-cream milshakes
PROS: mmmmmm yummy.
CONS: Could I really drink / eat that all night? Also probably quite fattening and pretty unhealthy after a while.
3. Fizzy drinks (coke / lemonade etc)
PROS: ... cold
CONS: Too sweet, too sticky, too expensive and general yuckiness
4. Water
PROS: About the most healthy thing you can drink (probably)
CONS: Image factor (including embarrassment of having to ask for it at bar. Having to ask for tap water as you don't want to pay. Having people at the bar look at you funny. Having your mates sleg the life out of you)
5. Coffe / Tea
PROS: Nice.
CONS: Caffeine MAKES ME HYPER HYPER HYPER (uppercut)... !!!!11!!1!!!!!11!!!one!!!!1111two!!! It's hard to hold a cup and saucer of tea in a crowded bar (see also: being slegged to death by your mates).
Your suggestions are very welcome
Here's a brief list of non-alcoholic beverages I might prefer to drink in a bar:
1. Pure fruit juice (like orange / pineapple / raspberry) or smoothies.
PROS: Tasty, healthy (possibly)
CONS: Keeps ye regular... Maybe too regular. Expensive! Bars tend to charge £1.50 for about 200ml of juice. Personally I think that's a bit of a rip off.
2. Thick ice-cream milshakes
PROS: mmmmmm yummy.
CONS: Could I really drink / eat that all night? Also probably quite fattening and pretty unhealthy after a while.
3. Fizzy drinks (coke / lemonade etc)
PROS: ... cold
CONS: Too sweet, too sticky, too expensive and general yuckiness
4. Water
PROS: About the most healthy thing you can drink (probably)
CONS: Image factor (including embarrassment of having to ask for it at bar. Having to ask for tap water as you don't want to pay. Having people at the bar look at you funny. Having your mates sleg the life out of you)
5. Coffe / Tea
PROS: Nice.
CONS: Caffeine MAKES ME HYPER HYPER HYPER (uppercut)... !!!!11!!1!!!!!11!!!one!!!!1111two!!! It's hard to hold a cup and saucer of tea in a crowded bar (see also: being slegged to death by your mates).
Your suggestions are very welcome
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Day 19
As it's before 1:00am, I'm on day 19 of staying sober. Still feeling fine and dandy.
Just wanted to say that the Just Giving 'widget' on this blog, showing what has been raised in donations so far for SANE, is actually wrong. According to what is in my Paypal account there is more than that.
I've checked the small print and it's not some sort of fee that Just Giving are charging, so I'm not sure what's going on there. Maybe after the next few donations the widget will refresh properly and show the right amount. Anyway, just wanted to clear that up.
Just wanted to say that the Just Giving 'widget' on this blog, showing what has been raised in donations so far for SANE, is actually wrong. According to what is in my Paypal account there is more than that.
I've checked the small print and it's not some sort of fee that Just Giving are charging, so I'm not sure what's going on there. Maybe after the next few donations the widget will refresh properly and show the right amount. Anyway, just wanted to clear that up.
Monday, 16 November 2009
DAY 17
Still being sober. Whoo...
It's been pointed out to me that to raise more money for charity I'm going to have to consider doing more than... Well nothing. People aren't so keen to donate to someone NOT doing something for a year, so I reckon at some point I will need to think of smaller fundraisers to encourage donations. One idea was to go out on a pub crawl with a load of mates and when they are going to buy me a pint, I'll simply take the cash as a donation.
This would be a nice way to get together with people as a fundraising event, while also being a good test of my determination to stay sober being around all my mates who'd be getting rat-arsed and having a geg.
Been to training at work today, my first experience of the '9 - 5 Rat Race' since I worked in a miserable call centre a couple of years ago and I must say dear readers, I did not enjoy it one bit.
Whether I raise a lot of money for charity, get more work as a vocal performer or not, one thing I never want to do is a 9 - 5 job in any kind of city. To coin a phrase... F**K THAT!
It's been pointed out to me that to raise more money for charity I'm going to have to consider doing more than... Well nothing. People aren't so keen to donate to someone NOT doing something for a year, so I reckon at some point I will need to think of smaller fundraisers to encourage donations. One idea was to go out on a pub crawl with a load of mates and when they are going to buy me a pint, I'll simply take the cash as a donation.
This would be a nice way to get together with people as a fundraising event, while also being a good test of my determination to stay sober being around all my mates who'd be getting rat-arsed and having a geg.
Been to training at work today, my first experience of the '9 - 5 Rat Race' since I worked in a miserable call centre a couple of years ago and I must say dear readers, I did not enjoy it one bit.
Whether I raise a lot of money for charity, get more work as a vocal performer or not, one thing I never want to do is a 9 - 5 job in any kind of city. To coin a phrase... F**K THAT!
ADDICTION
A few years ago I badly wanted a copy of Trainspotting, the debut novel that made Irvine Welsh a massive literary star, of course in no small part to the iconic generation-defining movie based on the book.
I’d seen the film quite a few times and loved it. I bought the soundtrack on CD and played it until it wouldn’t anymore. So to me, absorbing the book was the last stage in completing the Trainspotting enterprise. The problem was that I am a cheapskate and I barely read. So I was only ready to read the book if either someone was willing to give me a copy, lend it to me or if I found it in a cheap second hand bookshop.
While the best second hand bookshop in Belfast had many slightly ruffled copies of Irvine Welsh’s novels (Porno, Filth, Ecstasy) I could never find Trainspotting. Perhaps it’s one that people like to hold on to? But then I ventured into the shop and had two surprises. The first was based on a book I had just ordered on Amazon for a total of £4.09: Allen Carr’s Easyway To Stop Smoking. A bargain I thought. I bought this book because while I had a copy in the house, had completed it and had given up smoking already, I had two friends who wanted to borrow it at the same time. I had placed my online order for the book and swiftly discovered around seven copies of the Easyway book in the second hand bookshop, each priced £2. Seven copies! And that was without even trying to find them.
The second surprise was seeing around the same number of copies of Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting and joy was returned to me to discover another bargain: £2. For someone who doesn’t read a lot of books, I do love that wee bookshop!
I’m now about halfway through it. The most obvious things all to come mind, so I don’t want to spend too much time saying them all again (reading Scottish slang takes a little while to get used to, the book makes the film seem like a Disney movie etc.) but I was quite intrigued when I read the chapter where Mark Renton reflects, quite astutely, on the psychology of what might lead to a life of petty crime and Heroin addiction.
To me addiction is a process and while there is a minefield of clichés I could utter on the subject and I’m sure many characters in Trainspotting would despise me for probing it, the process of addiction is the same no matter what your drug of choice.
When I hear smokers say things like, “I’ll probably give it up soon” or “I’ll try to quit one of these days” I feel a mixture of humour and frustration. I don’t believe them for a second and it is obvious people make these statements without really thinking about what they’re saying. ‘I’ll probably give it up soon’ implies no genuine certainty or assertiveness about quitting; it’s the constant mantra of the guilty smoker: “Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or next week etc” (which translates to them telling you: Just get off my back, OK?)
I feel the same frustration and slight amusement (and pity) when I see smokers who say, “I’m not addicted, I can quit when I want” as they light up and join in on the ‘social’ smoking with friends in the outside smoking area of a bar.
These delusional statements are exactly the same with any other addiction and I know I’ve heard myself say similar things when I was addicted to smoking cannabis everyday, all those years ago. “I’ll quit for three months, just to prove to myself I can, then I’ll know that I can control it.” And when I failed to reach that three month mark?
“Well I managed to stay off it for a few weeks and I feel a lot better now, so that’s OK”.
But the fact is, these are the words of an addict in total denial of their addiction.
I have often thought how hard it must be for counsellors, social workers, psychologists, carers, parents, friends and families who try to help someone deal with their addiction. How emotionally exhausting it must be to see someone destroy themselves, sometimes without even realising they’re doing it. Either oblivious to how serious their problem is and finding the concerns of others totally unwarranted, or so far gone that they simply refuse to acknowledge how much damage they’re causing.
However, I finally came to my conclusion a while ago, after witnessing a couple of close friends fall into drugs or alcohol abuse.
At the end of the day, it is their life. And while that initially may seem insensitive, it isn’t. For an addict goes through many stages of their addiction and throughout these stages you may try to help, intervene, scare them, support them etc. and you’ll pull your hair out and wear yourself down emotionally for absolutely nothing. Because there is only one point in the addiction process where an addict is going to acknowledge any of these expressions of concern or hands of help being reached out to them and that is when the addict finally accepts the full extent of what his addiction is.
It’s when the addict stops living in denial of his problem.
One day, about eleven years ago, I woke up and I made a decision, “I have to quit taking this drug as it’s having obvious negative effects on my life!” Clearly at that time certain things in my life had been so bad that I came to this decision. Perhaps other people advised me, perhaps I simply felt depressed and lethargic all the time. Whatever the circumstances I knew that my addiction to cannabis had gotten so bad that I needed to stop and reflect on my usage.
At that point I tried to make a realistic goal for myself, “If I can quit for three months, I’ll have proven to myself I can control my usage of this drug, instead of letting it control me”. However, pretty soon I was overwhelmed with this idea that I’d done ‘enough’ to prove to myself I was in control and so this original goal I made for myself was now selectively wiped out of my own memory.
So to summarise, I had a plan: I would convince myself I was in control of this addiction by staying off this drug for 3 months
I had a result: Failure after less than 2 months.
And so the outcome: I unequivocally proved to myself that I was NOT in control of my addiction at all.
Cue several more months of drug abuse. Of course every addict has excuses and their particular experience is unique and complex, but it's one of the most frustrating things to see someone you care about caught in that spiral of addiction (at whatever point), you can so clearly see their future and yet feel unable to do anything about it. Especially if you've already been through it yourself.
I’d seen the film quite a few times and loved it. I bought the soundtrack on CD and played it until it wouldn’t anymore. So to me, absorbing the book was the last stage in completing the Trainspotting enterprise. The problem was that I am a cheapskate and I barely read. So I was only ready to read the book if either someone was willing to give me a copy, lend it to me or if I found it in a cheap second hand bookshop.
While the best second hand bookshop in Belfast had many slightly ruffled copies of Irvine Welsh’s novels (Porno, Filth, Ecstasy) I could never find Trainspotting. Perhaps it’s one that people like to hold on to? But then I ventured into the shop and had two surprises. The first was based on a book I had just ordered on Amazon for a total of £4.09: Allen Carr’s Easyway To Stop Smoking. A bargain I thought. I bought this book because while I had a copy in the house, had completed it and had given up smoking already, I had two friends who wanted to borrow it at the same time. I had placed my online order for the book and swiftly discovered around seven copies of the Easyway book in the second hand bookshop, each priced £2. Seven copies! And that was without even trying to find them.
The second surprise was seeing around the same number of copies of Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting and joy was returned to me to discover another bargain: £2. For someone who doesn’t read a lot of books, I do love that wee bookshop!
I’m now about halfway through it. The most obvious things all to come mind, so I don’t want to spend too much time saying them all again (reading Scottish slang takes a little while to get used to, the book makes the film seem like a Disney movie etc.) but I was quite intrigued when I read the chapter where Mark Renton reflects, quite astutely, on the psychology of what might lead to a life of petty crime and Heroin addiction.
To me addiction is a process and while there is a minefield of clichés I could utter on the subject and I’m sure many characters in Trainspotting would despise me for probing it, the process of addiction is the same no matter what your drug of choice.
When I hear smokers say things like, “I’ll probably give it up soon” or “I’ll try to quit one of these days” I feel a mixture of humour and frustration. I don’t believe them for a second and it is obvious people make these statements without really thinking about what they’re saying. ‘I’ll probably give it up soon’ implies no genuine certainty or assertiveness about quitting; it’s the constant mantra of the guilty smoker: “Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or next week etc” (which translates to them telling you: Just get off my back, OK?)
I feel the same frustration and slight amusement (and pity) when I see smokers who say, “I’m not addicted, I can quit when I want” as they light up and join in on the ‘social’ smoking with friends in the outside smoking area of a bar.
These delusional statements are exactly the same with any other addiction and I know I’ve heard myself say similar things when I was addicted to smoking cannabis everyday, all those years ago. “I’ll quit for three months, just to prove to myself I can, then I’ll know that I can control it.” And when I failed to reach that three month mark?
“Well I managed to stay off it for a few weeks and I feel a lot better now, so that’s OK”.
But the fact is, these are the words of an addict in total denial of their addiction.
I have often thought how hard it must be for counsellors, social workers, psychologists, carers, parents, friends and families who try to help someone deal with their addiction. How emotionally exhausting it must be to see someone destroy themselves, sometimes without even realising they’re doing it. Either oblivious to how serious their problem is and finding the concerns of others totally unwarranted, or so far gone that they simply refuse to acknowledge how much damage they’re causing.
However, I finally came to my conclusion a while ago, after witnessing a couple of close friends fall into drugs or alcohol abuse.
At the end of the day, it is their life. And while that initially may seem insensitive, it isn’t. For an addict goes through many stages of their addiction and throughout these stages you may try to help, intervene, scare them, support them etc. and you’ll pull your hair out and wear yourself down emotionally for absolutely nothing. Because there is only one point in the addiction process where an addict is going to acknowledge any of these expressions of concern or hands of help being reached out to them and that is when the addict finally accepts the full extent of what his addiction is.
It’s when the addict stops living in denial of his problem.
One day, about eleven years ago, I woke up and I made a decision, “I have to quit taking this drug as it’s having obvious negative effects on my life!” Clearly at that time certain things in my life had been so bad that I came to this decision. Perhaps other people advised me, perhaps I simply felt depressed and lethargic all the time. Whatever the circumstances I knew that my addiction to cannabis had gotten so bad that I needed to stop and reflect on my usage.
At that point I tried to make a realistic goal for myself, “If I can quit for three months, I’ll have proven to myself I can control my usage of this drug, instead of letting it control me”. However, pretty soon I was overwhelmed with this idea that I’d done ‘enough’ to prove to myself I was in control and so this original goal I made for myself was now selectively wiped out of my own memory.
So to summarise, I had a plan: I would convince myself I was in control of this addiction by staying off this drug for 3 months
I had a result: Failure after less than 2 months.
And so the outcome: I unequivocally proved to myself that I was NOT in control of my addiction at all.
Cue several more months of drug abuse. Of course every addict has excuses and their particular experience is unique and complex, but it's one of the most frustrating things to see someone you care about caught in that spiral of addiction (at whatever point), you can so clearly see their future and yet feel unable to do anything about it. Especially if you've already been through it yourself.
Saturday, 14 November 2009
SANE.org.uk
Yes. As mentioned before I have found a charity to try and raise money for and I think this one is especially deserving given my own mental illness experiences and that of others very close to me. I definitely feel strongly about some of the attitudes in society that treat people with any of sort of mental illness with distrust and disapproval. I think that while there are obviously carers and professional people out there who take the welfare of their patients seriously, my experience has shown me that a lot of institutions are more than happy to ply people with medication and send them on their way. People close to me who have suffered from mental illness have received totally inadequate support from our health services and I find this is partly due to a large misunderstanding to what people's needs are.
Anyway, when I seen that raising awareness and providing help to people with mental illness are two of SANE's main goals, I thought they would be a great organisation to try to support an I very much hope I can convince you to feel the same way too.
In their own words:
SANE has three objectives:
- To raise awareness and respect for people with mental illness and their families and secure better services
- To undertake research into the causes of serious mental illness through The Prince of Wales International Centre for SANE Research
- To provide help and information to those experiencing mental health problems, their families and carers throughSANEline and SANEmail.
Raising awareness
SANE campaigns to combat stigma and ignorance and improve care, giving nearly 400 interviews each year on national and local television and radio, generating hundreds of column inches in the press and participating in government and professional initiatives.
Major concerns highlighted by SANE have been the prevention of suicide and self-harm, the improverishment of psychiatric wards and services, the need for a better balance between rights in mental health law, and the link between cannabis and psychosis.
SANE's Art Awards have encouraged nearly 200 artists and writer with serious mental illness to explore their creative ability.
Undertaking research
In 2003 SANE opened The Prince of Wales International Centre for SANE Research in Oxford. Under the guidance of Professor Tim Crow the centre aims to establish the causes of and better treatments forschizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and to act as an international forum, disseminating education, awareness and information to other scientists and the public.
Providing help
SANE's national telephone helpline, SANEline, was set up in 1992. SANEline volunteers currently handle an average of over 2000 calls every month from men, women and children affected by mental health problems as well as their carers and health professionals.
SANE's vision is to use its proven helpline expertise to reach many more people affected by mental illness, their families and friends. In 2007, SANEmail was launched. This new email support service provides vital online support to people who may find talking about their mental health problems difficult, or who perhaps can't use the phone because of a disability.
We cannot do this without your help and support so please consider making a donation or perhaps offering your time as a volunteer on SANEline or SANEmail.
I've also setup a page at Just Giving and added a widget to this blog so people can find it even easier to donate!
So that's all for now. I'm onstage in a couple of hours here at SARC, supporting Chris Corsano. I'm wearing my SANE t-shirt and hopefully there will be some video (and maybe some photos) to follow!
DAY 15
Things have been hectic the last few days as I get prepared for a gig tomorrow evening.
More info (and tickets) here.
I haven't yet had time to blog about the great news of the charity I'm going to be raising money for with my Sober For A Year Challenge, but I have received their info in the post along with a couple of t-shirts! I shall be proudly wearing one onstage while performing tomorrow.
More info (and tickets) here.
I haven't yet had time to blog about the great news of the charity I'm going to be raising money for with my Sober For A Year Challenge, but I have received their info in the post along with a couple of t-shirts! I shall be proudly wearing one onstage while performing tomorrow.
I'm still sober and feeling good for it. I haven't done my exercise in the last few days and partly that was my sore foot (which is fine now), the miserable weather and nearly entirely pure laziness. Oh well.
....mañana. mañana. mañana.
Diet wise: mostly boiled eggs, brown nutty bread and camomile tea! So tonight I 'rewarded' myself with a dirty Mixed Chicken Kebab from the take away around the corner. Oh it was delicious.
Bought some sweeties from the shop beside that too. Well, it's for all my 'hard work' spending hours here in college to practice, prepare and program the technology I'm using in my setup (A laptop running a Max/MSP patch, a Korg Kaoss Pad and NanoKontrol, an M-Audio 49e).
The last three nights I've been doing all nighters here, (3am, 6am then tonight, probably about 2:30am) so for once I'm actually glad my job puts my sleeping pattern all out of sync.
Just winding down now, typing this from a Mac in the SARC, MA Lab (leaving my laptop and gear here, all plugged in, setup and ready to go). This is also probably the last time I'll be here in this part of the SARC. Tomorrow will be a nice way to say goodbye to the place. Looking forward to performing and then getting to enjoy Chris Corsano's performance afterwards.
Bye for now.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Day 12
ARRRGGHHH I can't sleeeeeeeeeep!! Damn you WEEKEND OF NIGHT SHIFT!!!
It's 5:25 am and I feel about as sleepy as an insomniac washing himself in a shower of espresso.
Yesterday, as in Tuesday 10th November, I spent sometime sorting out a passport, renewing my library membership, drinking far too much coffee and then pummelling the crap out of my cousin's drumkit and guitars. Good times.
In other less frantic and despairing news, in fact in wonderfully good news:
I have found a charity that I am going to donate all the proceeds of my Sober For A Year challenge to. I shall explain more about this when I am in a better condition at a less hideous hour of the day.
At which point I shall expect you all to dig deep and give generously. Or else!
Actually is threatening people a positive way to win over their willingness to donate money to a just and worthy cause?
Perhaps not.
Well anyway, good 'night' for now...
It's 5:25 am and I feel about as sleepy as an insomniac washing himself in a shower of espresso.
Yesterday, as in Tuesday 10th November, I spent sometime sorting out a passport, renewing my library membership, drinking far too much coffee and then pummelling the crap out of my cousin's drumkit and guitars. Good times.
In other less frantic and despairing news, in fact in wonderfully good news:
I have found a charity that I am going to donate all the proceeds of my Sober For A Year challenge to. I shall explain more about this when I am in a better condition at a less hideous hour of the day.
At which point I shall expect you all to dig deep and give generously. Or else!
Actually is threatening people a positive way to win over their willingness to donate money to a just and worthy cause?
Perhaps not.
Well anyway, good 'night' for now...
Monday, 9 November 2009
Day 10
Walking to and from work is going well.
Eating too many Walkers Mango Chilli crisps (but it's only 92p for 6 packets!) however. Cycling or swimming is becoming a more and more sensible idea.
Pros:
Swimming would exercise more of my body.
Cycling would probably be a better 'cardio' workout (or something).
I live close to QUB's Gym. There's also FitSpace not far from me.
There's also Falls Swimming Pool. Andersonstown Leisure centre. Olympia Leisure centre. All within reasonable distance to me.
Cons:
Gyms are too expensive and I don't want to sign up to some contract.
I feel awfully prudish about getting into wee swimming trunks / been years since I've gotten naked around other men in the shower room. Feel all... umm... Yea...
These are pretty weak "cons" aren't they?
I can just use the leisure centres the odd time, just to see if I like them before signing any contract. As for swimming trunks, I can use shorts. Stripping off in shower room? I can use a towel.
OK. No more silly excuses.
I am also considering buying a bike again.
Someone stole my last one. Though to be honest I was kinda glad, as I was about to move house and it wouldn't have fit in the removal van. Plus I was sick of constantly fixing punctures on it.
Still haven't found a charity to do all this for. I was thinking Children In Need which is coming up on the 20th November, but I don't know if a year long fundraiser would appeal to them. I suppose I could phone them. Must research a bit more...
Eating too many Walkers Mango Chilli crisps (but it's only 92p for 6 packets!) however. Cycling or swimming is becoming a more and more sensible idea.
Pros:
Swimming would exercise more of my body.
Cycling would probably be a better 'cardio' workout (or something).
I live close to QUB's Gym. There's also FitSpace not far from me.
There's also Falls Swimming Pool. Andersonstown Leisure centre. Olympia Leisure centre. All within reasonable distance to me.
Cons:
Gyms are too expensive and I don't want to sign up to some contract.
I feel awfully prudish about getting into wee swimming trunks / been years since I've gotten naked around other men in the shower room. Feel all... umm... Yea...
These are pretty weak "cons" aren't they?
I can just use the leisure centres the odd time, just to see if I like them before signing any contract. As for swimming trunks, I can use shorts. Stripping off in shower room? I can use a towel.
OK. No more silly excuses.
I am also considering buying a bike again.
Someone stole my last one. Though to be honest I was kinda glad, as I was about to move house and it wouldn't have fit in the removal van. Plus I was sick of constantly fixing punctures on it.
Still haven't found a charity to do all this for. I was thinking Children In Need which is coming up on the 20th November, but I don't know if a year long fundraiser would appeal to them. I suppose I could phone them. Must research a bit more...
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Day 8?
It's awfully confusing for me working out the days for this thing. Mainly because I quit 'officially' just after 1:00am on 30th October 2009. Basically that means by 31st Oct 09 I completed 1 day of sobriety. Actually... Hold on. It isn't confusing at all. I'm just being a pillock... Nevermind.
I walked to work tonight. A journey of about 45 mins. My foot seems to hurt more when I'm off my feet. So the first couple of minutes walking to work were a little sore, but then the pain subsided a bit. It's still hurting now, but I can walk again so that's something. I don't think I'm ready to jog yet. Cycling would be a bloody good idea: exercise and not having to worry about foot pain. I don't have a bike though. Hmmm.
The problem, as I mentioned before is the random night shifts in work. I am now here in work until 8am. When I leave here in the morning I will want to do little more than sleep. It's just the way my head works: After a long shift it's time to wind down, even if the entire shift consists of sitting in a portacabin, drinking tea, eating crisps and writing this blog.
Diet news:
Noodles and toast today. Tonight I'm having a nice chicken tikka baguette, pot noodle thing, crisps (and another guilty pleasure in the form of a lovely sugary big 2lt bottle of lemon fanta). Plus lots of camomille tea (been drinking LOADS of this stuff recently, in an attempt to cut down on caffeine).
I walked to work tonight. A journey of about 45 mins. My foot seems to hurt more when I'm off my feet. So the first couple of minutes walking to work were a little sore, but then the pain subsided a bit. It's still hurting now, but I can walk again so that's something. I don't think I'm ready to jog yet. Cycling would be a bloody good idea: exercise and not having to worry about foot pain. I don't have a bike though. Hmmm.
The problem, as I mentioned before is the random night shifts in work. I am now here in work until 8am. When I leave here in the morning I will want to do little more than sleep. It's just the way my head works: After a long shift it's time to wind down, even if the entire shift consists of sitting in a portacabin, drinking tea, eating crisps and writing this blog.
Diet news:
Noodles and toast today. Tonight I'm having a nice chicken tikka baguette, pot noodle thing, crisps (and another guilty pleasure in the form of a lovely sugary big 2lt bottle of lemon fanta). Plus lots of camomille tea (been drinking LOADS of this stuff recently, in an attempt to cut down on caffeine).
Friday, 6 November 2009
1 WEEK
Woot! Woot! Wee celebration. 1 week and counting.
At the 1 week mark, how am I feeling?
Well I'm glad you asked! As I said in the previous post, I really crapped my foot up there on Tuesday. If anything that pain is even worse now. So I've been in bed all day, meaning no joggy/walk exercise this evening. Naughtiness. I know, I know, I know...
Still, the most important thing is my commitment to stop drinking alcohol or take any substances stronger than tea/coffee for an entire year and I'm sticking to that with no problems at all so far.
So yes, I felt guilty for doing bugger all today, limping around the house at those few times I've climbed out of bed. I need to organise my time better and I mean something more effective than writing "to do" lists for errands: I need a rigorous daily/weekly routine and it needs to take into account my slightly random work rota.
Talking about my work situation, here are some points that have come to mind recently:
1. As I am a 'floater' I get work whenever I'm needed. This means I get asked to do shifts with, at most, about a week's advance notice. Generally I get asked to do shifts one or two days before. Sometimes I get asked to go into work on the same day. I'm OK with this really, but not knowing my rota week by week (or even day by day) is causing problems for organising a lot of other areas in my life. My job also doesn't guarantee the number of hours of work I get per week. My monthly pay can fluctuate fairly significantly throughout the year.
A situation that was fine while I was a student at Queen's (until June this year) as I was also recieving quarterly student benefits, which certainly helped things.
2. However, now my pay is pretty crap. I'm not struggling, but I am constantly asking myself: At 30 years old, how long do I plan to be on minimum wage? The rest of my working life?
3. If I am going to consider some sort of more profitable career and it isn't going to be with my music skills, then what will it be? Am I going to consider getting educated or qualified in another vocation?
Stuff to give some thought to in the coming weeks.
At the 1 week mark, how am I feeling?
Well I'm glad you asked! As I said in the previous post, I really crapped my foot up there on Tuesday. If anything that pain is even worse now. So I've been in bed all day, meaning no joggy/walk exercise this evening. Naughtiness. I know, I know, I know...
Still, the most important thing is my commitment to stop drinking alcohol or take any substances stronger than tea/coffee for an entire year and I'm sticking to that with no problems at all so far.
So yes, I felt guilty for doing bugger all today, limping around the house at those few times I've climbed out of bed. I need to organise my time better and I mean something more effective than writing "to do" lists for errands: I need a rigorous daily/weekly routine and it needs to take into account my slightly random work rota.
Talking about my work situation, here are some points that have come to mind recently:
1. As I am a 'floater' I get work whenever I'm needed. This means I get asked to do shifts with, at most, about a week's advance notice. Generally I get asked to do shifts one or two days before. Sometimes I get asked to go into work on the same day. I'm OK with this really, but not knowing my rota week by week (or even day by day) is causing problems for organising a lot of other areas in my life. My job also doesn't guarantee the number of hours of work I get per week. My monthly pay can fluctuate fairly significantly throughout the year.
A situation that was fine while I was a student at Queen's (until June this year) as I was also recieving quarterly student benefits, which certainly helped things.
2. However, now my pay is pretty crap. I'm not struggling, but I am constantly asking myself: At 30 years old, how long do I plan to be on minimum wage? The rest of my working life?
3. If I am going to consider some sort of more profitable career and it isn't going to be with my music skills, then what will it be? Am I going to consider getting educated or qualified in another vocation?
Stuff to give some thought to in the coming weeks.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Day 5
I was up recording vocals for the first batch of brand new Fragile Human Organs' tracks today. http://www.myspace.com/fragilehumanorgans
I think we have now got all the recording done and dusted. Nothing left but for the Chief Captain on Deck to get her all fixed and mixed up and then we've got ourselves a finished release! Can't wait to hear it when it's done.
More of this sort of thing.
In other news, tonight I didn't do my joggy/walk exercise. Long story short, I've injured my foot badly (by wearing an old crap pair of trainers).
Besides, after recording I went to see Up at the cinema (ooh is that something in my contact lense *sniff* *sniff*...) followed by a chinese all-you-can-eat buffet. So long day, loads of food and I'm pretty wrecked now.
All in all, I've done 6 days in a row of the joogy/walk routine. That's not too bad. So I'm allowed a day off. I'll do more again tomorrow, promise.
Diet: Well "meal deal" at tescos: Fruit juice, pasta chicken salad thing and crisps, that wasn't too heavy and kept me going for the day, but then of course all that chinese food was pretty big on the calorie count I'm sure.
*BURRRRAAAAPPPPP*
I think we have now got all the recording done and dusted. Nothing left but for the Chief Captain on Deck to get her all fixed and mixed up and then we've got ourselves a finished release! Can't wait to hear it when it's done.
More of this sort of thing.
In other news, tonight I didn't do my joggy/walk exercise. Long story short, I've injured my foot badly (by wearing an old crap pair of trainers).
Besides, after recording I went to see Up at the cinema (ooh is that something in my contact lense *sniff* *sniff*...) followed by a chinese all-you-can-eat buffet. So long day, loads of food and I'm pretty wrecked now.
All in all, I've done 6 days in a row of the joogy/walk routine. That's not too bad. So I'm allowed a day off. I'll do more again tomorrow, promise.
Diet: Well "meal deal" at tescos: Fruit juice, pasta chicken salad thing and crisps, that wasn't too heavy and kept me going for the day, but then of course all that chinese food was pretty big on the calorie count I'm sure.
*BURRRRAAAAPPPPP*
Monday, 2 November 2009
DAY 4
Glad to have a day off after a stretch of night shifts up in the Landfill. While I have been doing some minimal exercise while at work, tonight was my first attempt to do a "wee bit of jogging, followed by 1 hour of brisk walking" in a more public place - with pedestrians and cars about etc.
I didn't feel too self-conscious because it was dark and I went out towards Upper Malone Road, where there were fewer people walking around who might point and laugh at me.
I need proper running trainers and probably shorts (instead of jeans) though.
Oh well, feel all the better for it.
I'm now going to have an early night, which is good, hopefully gets my sleep pattern back in order.
Oh, food wise: Not very good. Pizza and potato croquettes. err... Yea, I know.
I bought a salad, but I didn't use any of it.
Oh well. I still have a bit of work to do on that side of things.
Night.
I didn't feel too self-conscious because it was dark and I went out towards Upper Malone Road, where there were fewer people walking around who might point and laugh at me.
I need proper running trainers and probably shorts (instead of jeans) though.
Oh well, feel all the better for it.
I'm now going to have an early night, which is good, hopefully gets my sleep pattern back in order.
Oh, food wise: Not very good. Pizza and potato croquettes. err... Yea, I know.
I bought a salad, but I didn't use any of it.
Oh well. I still have a bit of work to do on that side of things.
Night.
Saturday, 31 October 2009
DAY 1
Day 1 went fine. Most of the day I was a little grouchy from lack of sleep (due to doing long hours in work this week) but these last couple of days I have been doing an hour's 'brisk' walk and it's definitely feeling good. Being completely drenched in sweat after each session seems like a good sign. The exercise and general buzz about going through with this is keeping me going. So far so good!
Trying to consider my diet I bought salad, chicken and some bread rolls. Also bought curry noodles (snack thing) and a berry fruit salad (which was so lovely, but far too small).
While I was out doing my hour's walk tonight I used a dirt track which was in near total darkness but for the moonlight. I looked up into the sky and was so moved by the sense of space all around me: Cavehill mountain in the distance to my left and vast empty wasteland, all the way until the mouth of Belfast lough to my right.
It reminded me of some of my drug experiences in the past and I struggled to convince myself that those experiences really are the past and are never going to happen again.
I found it hard convincing myself. I concluded: Maybe one day, years from now there'll be some situation, some scenario, the right balance of things and I'll feel comfortable to risk a drug experience again.
With the right attitude leading up to the experience, then yes, perhaps the risks of taking drugs can be minimised and the positive aspects can be enjoyed. And hey, maybe doing that a handful of times years on down the line could be 'OK' (not necessarily a 'good idea' or 'safe' but equally, not a life stopping catastrophe).
I guess it's worrying that these thoughts about taking drugs again even crossed my mind, but this is part of my progress: Learning to be honest about these feelings and then finding a sensible solution.
Wow. Pragmatism. Have I really become so "normal"?
Trying to consider my diet I bought salad, chicken and some bread rolls. Also bought curry noodles (snack thing) and a berry fruit salad (which was so lovely, but far too small).
While I was out doing my hour's walk tonight I used a dirt track which was in near total darkness but for the moonlight. I looked up into the sky and was so moved by the sense of space all around me: Cavehill mountain in the distance to my left and vast empty wasteland, all the way until the mouth of Belfast lough to my right.
It reminded me of some of my drug experiences in the past and I struggled to convince myself that those experiences really are the past and are never going to happen again.
I found it hard convincing myself. I concluded: Maybe one day, years from now there'll be some situation, some scenario, the right balance of things and I'll feel comfortable to risk a drug experience again.
With the right attitude leading up to the experience, then yes, perhaps the risks of taking drugs can be minimised and the positive aspects can be enjoyed. And hey, maybe doing that a handful of times years on down the line could be 'OK' (not necessarily a 'good idea' or 'safe' but equally, not a life stopping catastrophe).
I guess it's worrying that these thoughts about taking drugs again even crossed my mind, but this is part of my progress: Learning to be honest about these feelings and then finding a sensible solution.
Wow. Pragmatism. Have I really become so "normal"?
Friday, 30 October 2009
Charity
I think a good incentive for me to 'stay on the wagon' for a year is to try and get some charity involved. The idea being that if I can raise money for a charity of some sort, then I'm going to be even more inclined to succeed in staying completely sober!
At this present point in time I have yet to find a charity for you lovely and wonderful readers to donate to. I have, however, already set up a Donate button there at the top of this blog where you super, giving, awesome folk can easily donate some money directly into my paypal account. I promise (and will give you it signed in writing if you want) that I won't spend a single penny of this money and it will entirely be given to a proper, needy charity. As soon as I figure out who that charity is going to be!
Any suggestions?
At this present point in time I have yet to find a charity for you lovely and wonderful readers to donate to. I have, however, already set up a Donate button there at the top of this blog where you super, giving, awesome folk can easily donate some money directly into my paypal account. I promise (and will give you it signed in writing if you want) that I won't spend a single penny of this money and it will entirely be given to a proper, needy charity. As soon as I figure out who that charity is going to be!
Any suggestions?
Some benefits...
So, no more drink, nothing stronger than tea or coffee for the next 365 days (at least).
What will I actually get out of this?
My main concern is health, both mental and physical.
Phsyically
- Having no energy = nothing gets done!
- Having energy = more positive feelings, more motivation!
- Regular exercise = losing weight / looking better = more confidence!
So while I cut out drink (and drugs), I also plan to do some (not intense) exercising, like an hours 'brisk' walk everyday, a burst of jogging, cycling, swimming etc. I think this will help keep my energy levels up and help keep me feeling better. I also hope to lose a bit of weight, as the beer belly is starting to become a bit of keg and I'm not too keen on that look for myself.
Mentally
I'm looking forward to losing the feelings I've come to associate with the 'hangover' of alcohol. The depression, the paranoia, the laziness, the mopiness.
Thing is, for me, I am cursed and blessed: I don't actually get physically hungover with alcohol AT ALL. I am sure a lot of my drinking friends hate me for it. But bizarrely, no matter how much I drink, I never wake up with a headache. I may wake up a bit bleary eyed and dizzy, but usually my hangover cure is: lots of water and more sleep!
On the other hand, what I do experience, usually a day or so after a big drinking session are bouts of fairly intense depression, or feelings of failure, lack of motivation etc. (I think this is linked back to my days of doing 'other' substances and how those have effected my mental state).
So I believe I stand to gain a lot in terms of positive mental health from staying sober and actually, I can't wait to experience the benefits!
What will I actually get out of this?
My main concern is health, both mental and physical.
Phsyically
- Having no energy = nothing gets done!
- Having energy = more positive feelings, more motivation!
- Regular exercise = losing weight / looking better = more confidence!
So while I cut out drink (and drugs), I also plan to do some (not intense) exercising, like an hours 'brisk' walk everyday, a burst of jogging, cycling, swimming etc. I think this will help keep my energy levels up and help keep me feeling better. I also hope to lose a bit of weight, as the beer belly is starting to become a bit of keg and I'm not too keen on that look for myself.
Mentally
I'm looking forward to losing the feelings I've come to associate with the 'hangover' of alcohol. The depression, the paranoia, the laziness, the mopiness.
Thing is, for me, I am cursed and blessed: I don't actually get physically hungover with alcohol AT ALL. I am sure a lot of my drinking friends hate me for it. But bizarrely, no matter how much I drink, I never wake up with a headache. I may wake up a bit bleary eyed and dizzy, but usually my hangover cure is: lots of water and more sleep!
On the other hand, what I do experience, usually a day or so after a big drinking session are bouts of fairly intense depression, or feelings of failure, lack of motivation etc. (I think this is linked back to my days of doing 'other' substances and how those have effected my mental state).
So I believe I stand to gain a lot in terms of positive mental health from staying sober and actually, I can't wait to experience the benefits!
A bit of my history...
I think it’s important that I explain a little about my mental / physical history and relationship with alcohol (and other ‘substances’) to give a better understanding about my motivations for doing this and what I think I will gain from it.
Let me start around the middle.
When I was about 20 years old (10 years ago) I had a couple of fairly serious 'episodes' that were directly linked to my constant use of cannibis and other illegal substances. I basically had quite extreme bouts of paranoia and psychosis, to the point where I spent sometime in a mental institute. After this I was prescribed medication for a short period. After that I decided to stop smoking cannibis and taking other drugs.
However I did start to drink alcohol (something I had turned my nose up at before, as a hardened pothead). I wasn't an alcoholic, I don't think, but I did drink regularly and when I did drink I usually binged quite heavily too.
This calmed down a bit when I moved to London for 3 years, though it was obvious that, now that I had stopped taking illegal substances, alcohol was my new drug of choice.
Between the age of 21 - 26 I think I only smoked cannibis four times and took a stronger class A drug once! Again, I did drink and drink heavily, but only on social ocassions.
Between the age of 27 and 30 I believe I have taken class A drugs about 6 times. And once again, my alcohol consumption has steadily risen. Social binge drinking, sometimes quite frequently in a given period of weeks or months.
That just about brings us up to date. Until, in the last few months I was made aware of this new drug called Mephedrone (read more here). It's basically legal and the first time I tried it (in a relatively small dose) I found it had the same effects of Ecstasy without the usual weird come down and several days of feeling rough afterward.
Well that was until the weekend just past!
On Sunday 25th October I took around 1 gram of Mephedrone, a good 3/4 of a half bottle of whisky and several pints of beer. Not exactly that intense, but at the same time, mixing drinks and substances: Asking for trouble!
Come Monday morning I felt OK. Tired, but that was to be expected. Come Tuesday, I felt worse. By Wednesday I felt in utter despair. I had to go to work and on the bus I was actually having suicidal thoughts. Now as I have mentioned, over the last few years I've dabbled a little in class A drugs, but I've always been prepared for the aftermath and always been ready to give myself a couple of days to recover from the negative side-effects of getting out of my head. The side-effects, while unpleasant, have always been reasonably manageable.
Not this time! These side-effects took me right back! Right back to the harsh paranoia of ten years ago! And that really scared me. Those same creeping feelings of psychosis were so familiarm just like back when I was 20 years old.
It was at this point I knew I had to stop playing Russian Roulette with my mental health.
I consider myself very fortunate to have survived the mental breakdown that I had when I was 20 years old. I think it was touch and go whether I was going to be able to return to reality, or end up permanently brain damaged.
And so the accumulation of this recent drug 'scare' along with other things - like the bad habits I get into when I have these regular binge drinking sessions, how nothing ever gets done, how I often feel depressed and tired - have all added up to make me come to this decision and bring me to this point that I'm at right now!
Let me start around the middle.
When I was about 20 years old (10 years ago) I had a couple of fairly serious 'episodes' that were directly linked to my constant use of cannibis and other illegal substances. I basically had quite extreme bouts of paranoia and psychosis, to the point where I spent sometime in a mental institute. After this I was prescribed medication for a short period. After that I decided to stop smoking cannibis and taking other drugs.
However I did start to drink alcohol (something I had turned my nose up at before, as a hardened pothead). I wasn't an alcoholic, I don't think, but I did drink regularly and when I did drink I usually binged quite heavily too.
This calmed down a bit when I moved to London for 3 years, though it was obvious that, now that I had stopped taking illegal substances, alcohol was my new drug of choice.
Between the age of 21 - 26 I think I only smoked cannibis four times and took a stronger class A drug once! Again, I did drink and drink heavily, but only on social ocassions.
Between the age of 27 and 30 I believe I have taken class A drugs about 6 times. And once again, my alcohol consumption has steadily risen. Social binge drinking, sometimes quite frequently in a given period of weeks or months.
That just about brings us up to date. Until, in the last few months I was made aware of this new drug called Mephedrone (read more here). It's basically legal and the first time I tried it (in a relatively small dose) I found it had the same effects of Ecstasy without the usual weird come down and several days of feeling rough afterward.
Well that was until the weekend just past!
On Sunday 25th October I took around 1 gram of Mephedrone, a good 3/4 of a half bottle of whisky and several pints of beer. Not exactly that intense, but at the same time, mixing drinks and substances: Asking for trouble!
Come Monday morning I felt OK. Tired, but that was to be expected. Come Tuesday, I felt worse. By Wednesday I felt in utter despair. I had to go to work and on the bus I was actually having suicidal thoughts. Now as I have mentioned, over the last few years I've dabbled a little in class A drugs, but I've always been prepared for the aftermath and always been ready to give myself a couple of days to recover from the negative side-effects of getting out of my head. The side-effects, while unpleasant, have always been reasonably manageable.
Not this time! These side-effects took me right back! Right back to the harsh paranoia of ten years ago! And that really scared me. Those same creeping feelings of psychosis were so familiarm just like back when I was 20 years old.
It was at this point I knew I had to stop playing Russian Roulette with my mental health.
I consider myself very fortunate to have survived the mental breakdown that I had when I was 20 years old. I think it was touch and go whether I was going to be able to return to reality, or end up permanently brain damaged.
And so the accumulation of this recent drug 'scare' along with other things - like the bad habits I get into when I have these regular binge drinking sessions, how nothing ever gets done, how I often feel depressed and tired - have all added up to make me come to this decision and bring me to this point that I'm at right now!
The Beginning
The Pledge
On Oct 30th 2009, around 1 am, I decided to stop drinking for an entire year!
On Oct 30th 2009, around 1 am, I decided to stop drinking for an entire year!
I realised that since the age of 13, I have dabbled in some sort of alcoholic shenanigans (or 'other' chemicals) and that I have never had a period longer than a couple of months of total sobriety. Whether it was those first bottles of cider as a teenager, or those crazy four day binges of alcohol fuelled madness at some music festival, alcohol has always been a part of my life in some way.
The point of this exercise is that I want to feel what it is like to be COMPLETELY sober for an extended period of time. Sure, a couple of months or even weeks sober is plenty of time to get your head cleared, focused and into the real World, but how will the real World feel if I spend a year completely sober? Replacing all those drinking sessions with some simple exercise (just walking for a couple of hours or maybe cycling) and how will I cope when I have to find enjoyment in other things without a drink? Will I find it mind numbing? Or will I find it liberating?
After a whole year of getting clean and healthier, will I find that I want to continue being sober for even longer? Or will I be straining at the leash to get a pint down my neck the second the year is up?
Either way, I have made this decision and I plan to stick it!
This blog will record my progress.
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