... And then I met someone who I could talk to about all this is in a rational, non-judgmental way.

I decided to give moderation another go and he has been supportive of me through this time.

I've never really been an alcoholic and I feel implying tthrough this website, that I once may have been,  is grossly misleading and dangerous.

I've had bouts, or periods of overindulgence. I've had periods of letting myself go, maybe too much, due to a lack of stimulation in other areas of my life, in those times I've been concerned that I've not had control over my drinking, I've worried about my patterns.

But when I met my partner this year and through talking about it and feeling genuinely supported by him over several months, I realised I could drink in a responsible way and that there was never really a time that I was out of control. Yes, there were times I was drinking too much, but I don't consider that alcoholism. And it's not that I'm 'ashamed' to think of myself that way. In fact, I am more concerned that some people reading this, who have had a much harder time with alcohol or addiction, will feel I am being dismissive about the impact of drink and how dangerous it can be.

So it's not right for me to play into the amateur dramatics of discussing having a 'problem' when, actually, I've never truly felt that I have had a serious problem.

Or to put it another way:

A problem with moderation doesn't immediately equal a problem with addiction.

And this is what is really difficult to discuss: It's not a useful or popular stance to take on the topic of addiction or recreational use, as it doesn't help people who have had harder experience with it, but there is a definite area of using / drinking etc. that isn't a serious problem.

I guess that's where dangerous patterns arise: Using too much inevitably leads to addiction. ... WITHOUT MODERATION.

Moderation (as I've said a million times before) has always been hard for me. But that changed when I met my partner. I felt my life had been given some direction again. I realised that often I had been drinking because I was bored and lonely. When I met my partner in July 2012, I wasn't drinking. It was Oct 6th, when I had my first drink since May 16th. Nearly 5 months without booze. And it was 3 months into our relationship before I had a drink.

So I guess I am concerned that I said I would never drink again on May 16th. How do I justify breaking that promise? I guess I can say sorry to anyone reading this.

I am sorry for making dramatic promises that were based on exaggerated details of my life at that time.

I have made a new promise to myself since then: No more ALL or NOTHING approaches to life. There is always a dramatic, knee-jerk way to respond and deal with things in life. And sometimes that attitude gets things done. But it's determination and focus that really changes things, not stubbornness, not knee-jerk reaction.

The future for me is considering options, making mature decisions, trying things out, not condemning them in fear or shying away from alternatives. Not quick fix solutions. Not 'one way or no way'. Not short sighted goals, but evolving and growing with new discoveries and achievements.

We'll see how it goes...

All the best for 2013!

Boozy Bye Byes...

So it's been over a year since I came here.

I thought I'd update y'all about one wee thing:

I decided to quit booze completely and forever on Wednesday 16th May 2012 while chatting to my sister about recent drinking habits and my personal relationship with alcohol over the last year or two.

I thought I'd announce it here, because I want to get it off my chest and out in the open, but at the same time, I don't want to bombard close friends with all the ME ME ME ME - OH GOSH LET'S ALL TALK ABOUT MY BIG DRAMATIC DECISION SHALL WE? nonsense!

I know only a handful of people read this and they're people who care about this subject, so that's cool. My other friends and family can find out if and when they so desire to ask or bring up the subject.

So why?

It's clear to me that I can't moderate my alcohol intake very well.

I tried.

I failed.

I feel grateful that I'm lucky enough to be at a place right now where I can stop and look at the past and my drinking habits see that slippery slope for what it is!

I'm not really that "OUT OF CONTROL" right now. But by the time I get to the stage where it is out of control, I fear it'll be too late to stop the pattern / vicious cycle / bad habit etc...


Over the last 18 months or so, I tried to have a reasonable relationship with alcohol. My aim was to not go too overboard or spend too much time drunk / recovering from being drunk / or spend too much money on booze, but it's been the same 'slippery slope' every time:

Maybe I started drinking until I couldn't drink anymore, pretty much every Fri and Sat. The kind of social drinking that's extreme, but seen by many people as totally acceptable.

Then my weekends would become Fri, Sat & Sun. Then Fri, Sat, Sun and occasionally Mon.

Mostly drinking at home, alone. So that would mean recovering on Tuesday, but also feeling pretty rubbish on Wednesday too, Thursday would be a day to get things back in order, then Friday, it'd be time to party again.

And so on and so on...

With those 'recovery' days feeling worse and worse and those 'clearer' days not being so clear at all.

Then there's a couple of weeks of drinking every night. A binge fortnight. Telling myself, "I'm just going through a wee phase. I'm just taking a wee break from things for a couple of weeks" But after the 'wee phase' I find myself still drinking 4 nights a week.

Feeling a dark cloud slowly growing over my life, feeling slowly but surely that everything I'm doing is a waste of time. Feeling no real point to making the effort in many things. Working hard at some things, but the quality and commitment suffers....

No one else seems to notice, so maybe it's not that bad. No one close to me comments on it, so maybe I'm OK?

Or are they just afraid of bringing it up?

Eventually realising that I'm being far too apathetic about this issue: Looking back on the last few months, it's been a steady decline. And so, while I'm not totally out of control with it, right now, (I have still been working and creating music etc) I can see the decline and I know where it's heading to: A place where it gets harder and harder to turn back.

It's all such a cliche isn't it? But yea, that's because it's fucking true!

I've seen myself lose direction and I've felt hope fading away for me in the last few months and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling useless and hopeless.

So this is definitely the right decision for me. I feel life's too short to waste anymore of it trying to wrestle with this issue, or lie to myself about how much control I have over it. No. I want to get on with living my life and doing some constructive and creative things.

The booze is only going to get in the way of that. It's one distraction I just don't need.

So that's that. Bye bye booze, we've had some great times, but you're too needy and I have wasted too much time dealing with your shit. All the best!