APRIL 11TH 2019 - FINALLY QUIT BOOZE

**As of April 11th 2019 I've been off the booze and plan never to drink again. **

A brief summary of my history with alcohol

My biggest problem with booze was that I could put quite a lot of it away.
I started drinking when I was 19. Prior to that, I had been drunk maybe once or twice with friends.

At 19, I hung out with a friend, both of us on the dole, and we'd drink a bottle of cheap whiskey between us, every couple of weeks, or every now and then. That increased pretty quickly into drinking with his friends most weekends.

Then I moved away and didn't drink a lot, but would have the odd session, with 7 or 8 pints, in pubs.

By the time I was 25, I would drink pretty heavily most weekends, 10 pints or so.

I never got hangovers, weirdly, but I did get quite depressed, usually for a couple of days after.

My drinking didn't feel too heavy at the time, as I was always hanging out with friends who would put away just as much, or more drink than me, so I didn't ever really think that it was a problem, or even excessive. It was just part of the environment I was around.

When I was 29, I decided to maybe reflect on all of that and quit all drink (and any other stuff) for a year, just to see how it would change my mental health and / or social life. Just as a social experiment really.

It went fine, but after that year, I got right back into the social drinking (and partying) with friends.

I think things changed around the time I was 32, on the dole, living alone, no real direction, not sure of my future. More friends were settling down and quitting the party lifestyle to buy houses, have kids etc. I felt people slowly distance themselves from me. It was pretty shit.

That's when the 3 bottles of wine (for a tenner in Asda) started. Couldn't afford pubs. Didn't have any friends anyway. So I would drink at home alone and watch shit on the internet.

Even then, though, I didn't think my drinking was really bad. I knew people who were worse. I felt I would find it easy to stop once I had more going on in my life. The problem was that being depressed for several days of the week, after those heavy sessions, meant I never really found the confidence or self-worth to try to better my circumstances.

Around that time I set myself this big ambitious task, to get my head into something more productive. I worked really hard one year, on my music. And it paid off. I started getting regular-ish work in theatre and had some money coming in. I had a partner at the time, too, so things were certainly a lot happier. But as that relationship started to dissolve, the two of us would just drink loads and eat shit take away every weekend. And he was like me: He could put away a lot of booze!

A lot of heavy drinking for the 6 months or so after we split up, feeling sorry for myself.

I found a 'co-dependent' / 'enabler' around this time and both of us were clearly in denial about our alcoholism. He was in the process of getting divorced and possibly losing his kids, I was just flailing really. The theatre work was good, but not regular enough to live off, so I was still on the dole most of the time.

January 4th 2016 - my "functioning" alcoholic friend and I shared some lunchtime cocktails in a bar in town (he was on his lunch break in work, he seemed to be very good at hiding his drinking) - he paid, because I was skint again. I think he spent about £50. He went back to work, I got the bus home.

On the bus I finally just snapped and decided to quit. I was worried for him and I felt horrible for enabling him and horrible having him pay for my drinks all the time.

I told him that I was quitting, that day. He laughed about it, but I think he was proud of me. He quit about 3 months later.

March 2018 - I started drinking again. Foolishly. I was on holiday in Berlin. I first convinced myself I would only drink on the holiday and stop when I got home. I didn't. I tried to convince myself I would moderate. I didn't. I spent the year on and off drink. A few weeks quitting and thinking I'd stop for good, but then flaking and getting back into it again, here and there, throughout that year.

December 30th 2018 - A party at my house, with lots and lots of booze, coke and two random strangers taking up residence in my house. We seemed to be on a 48 binge. It's all a bit of a blur. I woke up on NYE unable to walk, I had damaged my back somehow. Still don't know how I did it, possibly falling down some stairs, but the bruise was a cracker!! Massive. I was bed bound for about 4 days. Missed a couple of days' work.

Jan 1st 2019 - I stopped drinking. Realised I really had to wake up and take a look at my life and sort my fucking shit out etc... But! Halfway through February, I thought I could maybe try a new tact of drinking and moderating. This worked for a couple of weeks and I genuinely believed I'd be better at only having a couple of social drinks now and then. Most of March this year I was drinking around 4 days a week. Not moderating, but not being too reckless, in terms of behaviour. Still though, it was clear I hadn't gotten a handle on the moderation plan.

So yeah, that brings us up to April 11th this year. I had talked to a friend about quitting for a couple of weeks before this. He was concerned. I tried to defend it and tried to reason with him and myself, "the odd drink isn't too bad, so maybe I just need to be more disciplined on myself", "there are special occasions I don't want to miss out on" etc etc... Had my last night of drinking with my flat mate, we shared 3 bottles of wine. We chinked glasses when I said to him that this would be my last night of drinking! He talked about his own drinking habits and how he wanted to cut down, which I've noticed he has done, significantly.

Woke up after that session feeling good about the decision and haven't regretted it since.

So there y'all go.

My entire life story with booze.

THE END