The last few days have been 'peculiar': That seems a fitting description.
My brain has been acting funny. It's been giving me a weird mix of stress, depression, angst. It is surprising at this point, in my sobriety, almost like it's taken just over 3 months for things to clear in my head and make room for the real scary stuff to begin to surface.
Can only recall a couple of 'episodes' really, some of it was tiredness and some of it was subtle and then it passed on by. Maybe I'm just wired all wrong.
More importantly, I have to stop faffing about on the internet and get on with ... umm... things... !
I could restrict myself from going onto Faeces Boke and Land of Twits, plus those 'other' time wasting sites that apparently make up so much online traffic.
I've been aching for some changes, while at the same time getting into comfortable positions with some creative things here. I've mixed feelings about rushing off to try and 'make it' in Londinium, but I know I don't want to stay in Belfast. I should put a date on when I expect to be out of here, then work towards getting things sorted before that date. Yes. A smart, simple plan.
Just as soon as I reply to this email, watch that youtube link and finish this conversation on MSN.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Monday, 22 February 2010
Day 115
Some of the feedback I got after doing the Feile FM interview (which was part of The Vinny Hurrell Show, incidentally) was that I could have been clearer about the benefits I've noticed since I quit drinking alcohol.
So in the last 3 months of being sober, what changes have I noticed?
- The first change I noticed was subtle. Like a cloud of fog being lifted from my day to day thinking and perception of things. I guess you could say, I immediately noticed the negative side-effects of alcohol (and at that specific time, the drugs I had recently used) fading away.
- I felt more positive. As soon as I started this I felt positive because I knew I was making a life changing decision and was enthusiastic and motivated, but over a longer period of time I have noticed a permanent positive attitude develop and noticed that I'm able to handle life challenges easier. Stress and depression are now less dominant forces in my life. The only word to describe it really, is that I've begun to feel "normal". I suppose normal isn't necessarily a good thing, in terms of a personality trait, but as far as internal mental stability is concerned I think it's definitely not a bad thing.
- I've saved money. I don't make a lot of money in my current job and I'm really bad at managing my cash. So not breaking out in sweats at the ATM because I've forgotten just how much money I've blown on partying, helps a lot with stress levels. Having money to pay the bills is good. Having more to do other stuff is even better.
- Still getting to experience all the stuff I love about going out: Socialising. Seeing and hearing great live music / art / culture / banter. Having fun, memorable, life affirming nights out! Not having a hangover the next day. Remembering how good it was, weeks down the line!
- Health benefits. People have commented that I have lost weight. Recently I've changed the amount of sugary junk food I eat and I've definitely cut down on eating so much crap, so I do think I'm losing a wee bit of weight. I haven't measured how much though. Other health benefits: I know my liver isn't getting punished so hard. I drink lots of water everyday, this is also because keeping hydrated is good for the vocal cords too, (I pee a lot!)
According to this BBC "Healthy Living" report some risks from alcohol consumption are:
"Raised blood pressure which increases the risk of Stroke; stomach disorders; depression and emotional disorders; cancers, particularly of the mouth, throat and gullet; hepatitis and cirrhosis of the liver; malnutrition;"
So I'm benefiting from less risk of all that stuff!
- I've become more confident. Having less depression, stress, anxiety, self-doubt, paranoia, has meant I've felt more confident when meeting new people and have enjoyed making new friends and find it so much easier to have genuine bonds of trust with people I admire and share common interests with.
- My weekly routine is more organised. Given that my weeks aren't broken up with these "lost weekends" of binging, or midweek tipples, I have had no real excuse for being so lazy and disorganised. This area still needs work for sure, but I have been a lot better at organising myself and this means more time for the things I love: Since I quit drinking I've been involved in the following music projects:
Hexxed (practicing with the band once a week in preparation for the launch of the new album around May 2010)
Fragile Human Organs (recording vocals and practicing with band. Our new EP is online now)
QUBe 2010 (a Queen's Uni Ensemble started up again recently, I perform voice and effects)
Working with Crucible Pictures on an animation series called Haven.
Experience on the production team at Queen's Radio
Work placement at Windmill Lane Studios, Dublin
Getting an awesome weekend away to London.
Seeing countless cool gigs and shows!
There are loads of other things I can't think of right now, but I'm sure you can read all about them in this blog! The obvious point I'm making here, is that in the last 3 months I've done plenty of great things I'm quite proud of and I've never been so happy to be so busy in my life and I think I owe a lot of this to my decision to stay sober for a year.
This is also why I can't truthfully say the last 3 months has been difficult. I've seen nothing but good things come of my decision to stay sober. When people talk to me about it, they sometimes say, "I wouldn't mind trying that" or "I think I'll give that a go at some point", I often get the impression they think it would be some difficult experiment. I'm sure I even had similar thoughts to that before I started, but it's been such an easy ride. It's been all good and that it makes it hard for me to honestly call this a 'challenge' at all really.
And when asked if I'll go back on the drink after the year, I honestly don't think I will.
Saying all that, I think the main reason I've seen such significant changes, is directly related to how I react to these chemicals: I have definitely learnt through my experiences of drink and drugs that I am a lot more susceptible to their negative side-effects. Even caffeine effects me in extreme ways. And I believe this relates to various mental illness issues I've had experience with from about 10 years ago, until fairly recently.
So hopefully that's being a bit more clear about the benefits of my progress so far. In summary: I've experienced nothing but positive things since becoming sober!
I'm always keen to hear feedback from anyone reading this though, so please throw me your "two cents" worth, anytime.
So in the last 3 months of being sober, what changes have I noticed?
- The first change I noticed was subtle. Like a cloud of fog being lifted from my day to day thinking and perception of things. I guess you could say, I immediately noticed the negative side-effects of alcohol (and at that specific time, the drugs I had recently used) fading away.
- I felt more positive. As soon as I started this I felt positive because I knew I was making a life changing decision and was enthusiastic and motivated, but over a longer period of time I have noticed a permanent positive attitude develop and noticed that I'm able to handle life challenges easier. Stress and depression are now less dominant forces in my life. The only word to describe it really, is that I've begun to feel "normal". I suppose normal isn't necessarily a good thing, in terms of a personality trait, but as far as internal mental stability is concerned I think it's definitely not a bad thing.
- I've saved money. I don't make a lot of money in my current job and I'm really bad at managing my cash. So not breaking out in sweats at the ATM because I've forgotten just how much money I've blown on partying, helps a lot with stress levels. Having money to pay the bills is good. Having more to do other stuff is even better.
- Still getting to experience all the stuff I love about going out: Socialising. Seeing and hearing great live music / art / culture / banter. Having fun, memorable, life affirming nights out! Not having a hangover the next day. Remembering how good it was, weeks down the line!
- Health benefits. People have commented that I have lost weight. Recently I've changed the amount of sugary junk food I eat and I've definitely cut down on eating so much crap, so I do think I'm losing a wee bit of weight. I haven't measured how much though. Other health benefits: I know my liver isn't getting punished so hard. I drink lots of water everyday, this is also because keeping hydrated is good for the vocal cords too, (I pee a lot!)
According to this BBC "Healthy Living" report some risks from alcohol consumption are:
"Raised blood pressure which increases the risk of Stroke; stomach disorders; depression and emotional disorders; cancers, particularly of the mouth, throat and gullet; hepatitis and cirrhosis of the liver; malnutrition;"
So I'm benefiting from less risk of all that stuff!
- I've become more confident. Having less depression, stress, anxiety, self-doubt, paranoia, has meant I've felt more confident when meeting new people and have enjoyed making new friends and find it so much easier to have genuine bonds of trust with people I admire and share common interests with.
- My weekly routine is more organised. Given that my weeks aren't broken up with these "lost weekends" of binging, or midweek tipples, I have had no real excuse for being so lazy and disorganised. This area still needs work for sure, but I have been a lot better at organising myself and this means more time for the things I love: Since I quit drinking I've been involved in the following music projects:
Hexxed (practicing with the band once a week in preparation for the launch of the new album around May 2010)
Fragile Human Organs (recording vocals and practicing with band. Our new EP is online now)
QUBe 2010 (a Queen's Uni Ensemble started up again recently, I perform voice and effects)
Working with Crucible Pictures on an animation series called Haven.
Experience on the production team at Queen's Radio
Work placement at Windmill Lane Studios, Dublin
Getting an awesome weekend away to London.
Seeing countless cool gigs and shows!
There are loads of other things I can't think of right now, but I'm sure you can read all about them in this blog! The obvious point I'm making here, is that in the last 3 months I've done plenty of great things I'm quite proud of and I've never been so happy to be so busy in my life and I think I owe a lot of this to my decision to stay sober for a year.
This is also why I can't truthfully say the last 3 months has been difficult. I've seen nothing but good things come of my decision to stay sober. When people talk to me about it, they sometimes say, "I wouldn't mind trying that" or "I think I'll give that a go at some point", I often get the impression they think it would be some difficult experiment. I'm sure I even had similar thoughts to that before I started, but it's been such an easy ride. It's been all good and that it makes it hard for me to honestly call this a 'challenge' at all really.
And when asked if I'll go back on the drink after the year, I honestly don't think I will.
Saying all that, I think the main reason I've seen such significant changes, is directly related to how I react to these chemicals: I have definitely learnt through my experiences of drink and drugs that I am a lot more susceptible to their negative side-effects. Even caffeine effects me in extreme ways. And I believe this relates to various mental illness issues I've had experience with from about 10 years ago, until fairly recently.
So hopefully that's being a bit more clear about the benefits of my progress so far. In summary: I've experienced nothing but positive things since becoming sober!
I'm always keen to hear feedback from anyone reading this though, so please throw me your "two cents" worth, anytime.
Féile FM
I'm going to be doing a live interview regarding this here Sober For A Year thang on Féile FM this evening. http://www.feilefm.com/
I'm not exactly sure what time it will be happening, but I am told it will be live, so this could be interesting. Ha!
Listen Live here: http://www.radiomonitor.com/webradio/playlists/FeileFM.m3u
I'm not exactly sure what time it will be happening, but I am told it will be live, so this could be interesting. Ha!
Listen Live here: http://www.radiomonitor.com/webradio/playlists/FeileFM.m3u
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Day 114
So I'm in work this morning, just covering someone who has been unable to make it in today, probably due to the slightly snowy conditions. Snow! I wasn't expecting to see that today!
After settling in I get a phonecall:
Me:"Hello, security. How can I help?"
Someone: "Is that Martin?"
Me: "err... Yes. How can I help?"
Someone: "Martin who?"
Me: "err... Sorry, who's this?"
Someone: Mumbles. Hangs up.
Basically, I’m fairly sure it’s the other guard who’s due to arrive very soon, so I’m wondering what he’s going to be like. First impressions: He seems like a dick*.
Anyway, that's about the height of my excitement on this chilly Sunday morning. I’m a little grouchy and tired today. It’s been a very busy weekend, which is good I suppose. A few more hours in bed this morning would have been great though!
I’ve more to update actually, but the other guard has just arrived. He sort of apologised in the sense that he just explained that he wasn’t sure what was happening or whatever, or something, or meh… Maybe he’s not a total dick, but already he’s asked me to write lines into the daily report book, because it will look bad if there aren’t enough! Meaning I’ve had to write “11:00 Nothing to report. 12:00 Nothing to report”.
UPDATE:
I hate the term "jobs worth", I really do. I hate that it implies that people who want to do a job right are meant to treated with disdain. However there are people who want to do the job right and people who just do these pointless routines, because they've been doing the job so long and they're stuck into their little ways of doing things and they can't fathom the concept of altering these things or looking at the bigger picture of how pointless these little things actually are.
It's that type of "jobs worth"-type behaviour that bugs me.
*As it transpired though, in the end, the fella was actually pretty dead on and it was an easy shift. He gave me a couple of half hour breaks and he also let me go home a wee bit early. So... Result!
Also got some very cheap sandwiches from Asda for lunch and ended up seeing 3 seperate people who I know. (one cousin and his girlfriend, later another cousin and then a fella I went to college with). Tis a small World, afterall.
Now, perhaps bizarrely for a Sunday, I really must get out of the house this evening and dance! Somewhere. Anywhere! Well anywhere that has good loud music.
After settling in I get a phonecall:
Me:"Hello, security. How can I help?"
Someone: "Is that Martin?"
Me: "err... Yes. How can I help?"
Someone: "Martin who?"
Me: "err... Sorry, who's this?"
Someone: Mumbles. Hangs up.
Basically, I’m fairly sure it’s the other guard who’s due to arrive very soon, so I’m wondering what he’s going to be like. First impressions: He seems like a dick*.
Anyway, that's about the height of my excitement on this chilly Sunday morning. I’m a little grouchy and tired today. It’s been a very busy weekend, which is good I suppose. A few more hours in bed this morning would have been great though!
I’ve more to update actually, but the other guard has just arrived. He sort of apologised in the sense that he just explained that he wasn’t sure what was happening or whatever, or something, or meh… Maybe he’s not a total dick, but already he’s asked me to write lines into the daily report book, because it will look bad if there aren’t enough! Meaning I’ve had to write “11:00 Nothing to report. 12:00 Nothing to report”.
UPDATE:
I hate the term "jobs worth", I really do. I hate that it implies that people who want to do a job right are meant to treated with disdain. However there are people who want to do the job right and people who just do these pointless routines, because they've been doing the job so long and they're stuck into their little ways of doing things and they can't fathom the concept of altering these things or looking at the bigger picture of how pointless these little things actually are.
It's that type of "jobs worth"-type behaviour that bugs me.
*As it transpired though, in the end, the fella was actually pretty dead on and it was an easy shift. He gave me a couple of half hour breaks and he also let me go home a wee bit early. So... Result!
Also got some very cheap sandwiches from Asda for lunch and ended up seeing 3 seperate people who I know. (one cousin and his girlfriend, later another cousin and then a fella I went to college with). Tis a small World, afterall.
Now, perhaps bizarrely for a Sunday, I really must get out of the house this evening and dance! Somewhere. Anywhere! Well anywhere that has good loud music.
Monday, 15 February 2010
Day 108
Just a quick note to say, one of the bands I sing in has released an EP, which you can listen to or download from bandcamp.
Check it out:
In The Eyes Of Machines - by Fragile Human Organs
I am obviously really excited about this EP being finished and unleashed onto the world and very proud to be part of this band. I hope it gets the attention it deserves, as Adam and G have spent countless hours working on this recording and the music definitely shows this, but I also feel as a complete package we've all contributed to make something really unique and... Well... It's f**king cool.
Check it out:
In The Eyes Of Machines - by Fragile Human Organs
I am obviously really excited about this EP being finished and unleashed onto the world and very proud to be part of this band. I hope it gets the attention it deserves, as Adam and G have spent countless hours working on this recording and the music definitely shows this, but I also feel as a complete package we've all contributed to make something really unique and... Well... It's f**king cool.
Friday, 12 February 2010
Day 105
105 days, that's 15 weeks, which is 2520 hours.
Right now, it's approximately 151220 minutes sober... And counting.
It's handy that I have my calculator beside me, because looking at some figures I can see just how f**ked I am going to be for the following 30 days or so! Sigh.
Basically I didn't get very much work in January. Only 3 shifts in fact.
That means my pay this month is just about going to cover my rent.
This is just f**king ridiculous really. Obviously, I can't survive on so little hours from my current employer so I've started looking at alternatives and for the first time in about 12 years, benefits from DA GOVIMENT!
Stress.
Phoned around a few companies for work and so far I've not had anything too promising.
I know there's no real point moaning about it really, I'm just a bit feckin' stressed out right now and need to vent. On the bright side, a couple of things that might actually make a bit of money look like they could be panning out, but not for a wee while yet (another month or two). I have work this weekend and a long shift next weekend, which is good, but I can't put up with the stress of not knowing how much work I'm going to get, week by week, much longer.
And my porridge is now all cold, lumpy and bluergh...
CHOOSE LIFE KIDS!
Right now, it's approximately 151220 minutes sober... And counting.
It's handy that I have my calculator beside me, because looking at some figures I can see just how f**ked I am going to be for the following 30 days or so! Sigh.
Basically I didn't get very much work in January. Only 3 shifts in fact.
That means my pay this month is just about going to cover my rent.
This is just f**king ridiculous really. Obviously, I can't survive on so little hours from my current employer so I've started looking at alternatives and for the first time in about 12 years, benefits from DA GOVIMENT!
Stress.
Phoned around a few companies for work and so far I've not had anything too promising.
I know there's no real point moaning about it really, I'm just a bit feckin' stressed out right now and need to vent. On the bright side, a couple of things that might actually make a bit of money look like they could be panning out, but not for a wee while yet (another month or two). I have work this weekend and a long shift next weekend, which is good, but I can't put up with the stress of not knowing how much work I'm going to get, week by week, much longer.
And my porridge is now all cold, lumpy and bluergh...
CHOOSE LIFE KIDS!
Monday, 8 February 2010
Day 101
So I celebrate the end of my Sober For A Year 100th Day milestone with:
Terrible drag queens, cabaret, bingo AAAAAAAAAANDDD (most filthy of all...)
The cheesy chilli chip!
Oh yeah baby.
So I had a pretty good Sunday at work, then treated myself to a wee hour of the gayest shenanigans Belfast has to offer in the form of Union Street Bar's Sunday Bingo Night.
The walk home (with aforementioned chip of DOOM!) felt good and overall, I don't know how exactly, but I had myself a pretty good night.
Fabulous.
Not even slightly bothered by the spides who were slegging my hat. Acutally, they were saying "that hat looks cu-lass me-ate!" and that was OK with me.
Not even the horrible ear slicing cackle of some (obviously very classy girl) shouting "ewwwww, you're ugly!" from some sports car got a rise out of me.
Take that World.
KAPOW!
Right, chips nearly done. Time to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of Collins & Herrings latest podcast(!)
Terrible drag queens, cabaret, bingo AAAAAAAAAANDDD (most filthy of all...)
The cheesy chilli chip!
Oh yeah baby.
So I had a pretty good Sunday at work, then treated myself to a wee hour of the gayest shenanigans Belfast has to offer in the form of Union Street Bar's Sunday Bingo Night.
The walk home (with aforementioned chip of DOOM!) felt good and overall, I don't know how exactly, but I had myself a pretty good night.
Fabulous.
Not even slightly bothered by the spides who were slegging my hat. Acutally, they were saying "that hat looks cu-lass me-ate!" and that was OK with me.
Not even the horrible ear slicing cackle of some (obviously very classy girl) shouting "ewwwww, you're ugly!" from some sports car got a rise out of me.
Take that World.
KAPOW!
Right, chips nearly done. Time to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of Collins & Herrings latest podcast(!)
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Day 95
I really couldn't be arsed with anything that requires any thought or effort right now. I'm back on standby. This is my normal operating mode. This is how I end up spending months and months doing nothing with my life.
I got up at 7:10am this morning, had porridge then got stuck into some sound design work. I had a meeting at 10:30 (arrived at 10:45) and got back home about noon. I stuck on some clothes to wash, washed the dishes and made some popcorn. OK, so I've just spent an hour faffing about online: I checked emails. I read some facebook and twitter guff.
I need to move on and do some proper work / tasks now.
Except, now all I want to do is sleep. I'm done for the afternoon. I've made plans for later, so for now I just want to press stop and power down completely.
Why am I so friggin' lazy?
Probably because I don't have a job or a daily regular workout of some kind to keep me focused or keep my motivation up. It's annoying that I'm going to waste another day when I know I've hundreds of things to get on with, but I just. Can't. Make. Myself. Do. It.
Sigh.
I need a drill sargeant to kick down the door and kick my ass into shape.
Some people pay good money for that sort of thing, you know?
I got up at 7:10am this morning, had porridge then got stuck into some sound design work. I had a meeting at 10:30 (arrived at 10:45) and got back home about noon. I stuck on some clothes to wash, washed the dishes and made some popcorn. OK, so I've just spent an hour faffing about online: I checked emails. I read some facebook and twitter guff.
I need to move on and do some proper work / tasks now.
Except, now all I want to do is sleep. I'm done for the afternoon. I've made plans for later, so for now I just want to press stop and power down completely.
Why am I so friggin' lazy?
Probably because I don't have a job or a daily regular workout of some kind to keep me focused or keep my motivation up. It's annoying that I'm going to waste another day when I know I've hundreds of things to get on with, but I just. Can't. Make. Myself. Do. It.
Sigh.
I need a drill sargeant to kick down the door and kick my ass into shape.
Some people pay good money for that sort of thing, you know?
Monday, 1 February 2010
Day 94
A couple of wee mentions here...
Firstly, Good After-Morning! http://goodaftermornings.blogspot.com/
Which is quite simply the best blog I've ever followed. I greedily feast on every update like a hungry work-shy dog. Anyone who has ever had a job and hated their boss (um, like, pretty much everyone) should love it! I think the eventual book, followed by TV series, followed by massive Hollywood blockbuster is inevitable really.
Secondly, Belfast4Haiti http://belfast4haiti.com/
It's amazing how quickly everything came together for this cause. There are still events happening around Belfast to raise money for the victims of the Haiti Earthquake, as far as I know, and so there's still plenty of opportunity to enjoy great local events and donate to a very worthy cause.
Also, if anyone is interested you can check out the set I played last night at the Belfast4Haiti gig in the Limelight, on soundcloud
http://soundcloud.com/doctorlilt/belfast4haiti-dj-set-31st-january-2010
Umm, I definitely feel I'm forgetting something. Or a few things.
Today's felt a bit hectic, even though all I did was eat. Actually maybe that explains my tirdness and desire to have a very early night: I probably ate more food today than I have in the last week or so. Why? Well, I felt like letting myself go a bit today and it was just too easy to give in.
I feel bad for it, but it was all so tasty. Just means extra work when I finally bother my ass to do any exercise. Ha!
Firstly, Good After-Morning! http://goodaftermornings.blogspot.com/
Which is quite simply the best blog I've ever followed. I greedily feast on every update like a hungry work-shy dog. Anyone who has ever had a job and hated their boss (um, like, pretty much everyone) should love it! I think the eventual book, followed by TV series, followed by massive Hollywood blockbuster is inevitable really.
Secondly, Belfast4Haiti http://belfast4haiti.com/
It's amazing how quickly everything came together for this cause. There are still events happening around Belfast to raise money for the victims of the Haiti Earthquake, as far as I know, and so there's still plenty of opportunity to enjoy great local events and donate to a very worthy cause.
Also, if anyone is interested you can check out the set I played last night at the Belfast4Haiti gig in the Limelight, on soundcloud
http://soundcloud.com/doctorlilt/belfast4haiti-dj-set-31st-january-2010
Umm, I definitely feel I'm forgetting something. Or a few things.
Today's felt a bit hectic, even though all I did was eat. Actually maybe that explains my tirdness and desire to have a very early night: I probably ate more food today than I have in the last week or so. Why? Well, I felt like letting myself go a bit today and it was just too easy to give in.
I feel bad for it, but it was all so tasty. Just means extra work when I finally bother my ass to do any exercise. Ha!
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