Day 237

Looking out the window at 4:30am here in work, I see the pale blue and cloudy sky over the silhouette of the mountains and it's beautiful.

Every night I work here I am so lucky to see a beautiful sunset and sunrise, through these large windows I get a great panoramic view of it all.

It's something I try not to take for granted, but I do.

My sleeping pattern is fucked. It's partly my own lazy ways: I won't push myself through the grip of sleep if I don't have anything immediately pressing to get out of bed for. So, many of my days off I'll happily sleep for 10 or more hours. This is pretty disgraceful. However, my body seems to do it happily, so maybe a part of me needs that rest.

I suspect it's the response to this almost, jet lag type behaviour with my work shifts and days off. My body clock is trying to cope and as it tries to adjust, there comes a point where it just would rather sleep it off, very heavily.

On the other hand, maybe it is nothing more than pure, bone-idle laziness on my part?

Depression is a word that's been floating around me recently. I can't just walk out on this job, what else am I going to do? I ain't working in no fucking call centre again, that's for sure.

OK. Things that will help:

Pursuing a studio space. Definitely an immediate priority, the list of reasons is long and benefits many, I reckon. Basically I want my own little spot for making noise without fear of neighbours or flatmates. It'll also get me into a completely different frame of mind towards music related work.

Getting a bike. Exercise will help with depression, maybe help me sleep less and save money on bus fairs.

Keep looking for jobs in the field I'm interested in, or failing that, keep busy with creative projects that are rewarding.

Good things of late:

Hexxed gig in Dublin went really well. Some good feedback too. General Hexxed hanging out and banter has been top notch!

YoYo DJs on Blast FM was quite fun, lots of air time to discuss our night and have a bit of a laugh. I really enjoyed it!

A recent "illegal picnic" in the middle of a undisclosed location ;)

Very good times! Even completely sober, I loved this.

Recording songs with Sean for our new Post-Lotion project. Sounding pretty good so far.

OK. Enough "sharing"...

Day 221

Here at work, 23:30, someone just drove up to the gate, waited for ages, then got out of their car, started dancing around in the rain, singing a bit, then got in the car and drove off again. It was like they were waiting to see if anyone was here and would they react to this behaviour. The answer: No. I'll stay dry, safe and warm indoors, while getting some clear footage of your mug on CCTV! Thanks all the same. I wonder if they'll be back.

I started here on 4th May 2010. So I've been doing this 4 nights on / 4 nights off rota for a month. Yet, every 2nd night I'm on, I feel incredibly bummed and frustrated with all of it. I don't know why, I guess it could be a tiredness thing, or something to do with re-adjusting back into the swing of it. Without fail, I just end up feeling depressed.

Tonight I toyed with the idea of moving away from Belfast. The feeling of being free to explore a new place, instead of feeling stuck in a rut. This new job has been a great improvement over my last one, but this really isn't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life!

How much longer am I going to let myself do what I don't want to?

How do I get myself into the position where I am free to do what I want?

Could I just take off, abandon this place, wing it in a new country and maybe things would just fall into place?

I could try and get a job in another country. Any job. Any country. Just to get out of here. Just because I want the change so badly.

But then what?

A new place, but another shit job, no friends...

If I was to get a job, then a place to stay, THEN I could bring all my shit over there. All my guitars, my music gear. A new place...

But would anything be different?
Would I then "let myself" do all these things I want to do now?
Or would I just make excuses about having no time and realise nothing had changed at all?

... It's possible it would be a massive failure...

But then again, there's only one way to find out!

This is all exciting stuff, but let's rewind here, there are still 3 small things to sort out:

1. Where am I going?
2. What am I going to do when I get there?
3. Where will I stay?

Maybe I just need a holiday.

Day 216 - [CONCLUDED]

... well that decision was the right one!

I went for the rush-for-the-bus option and caught the other bus (I hadn't noticed on the time table) at 07:12. I ended up making it to my front door by 07:40! Normally I'm not home until 08:30! Getting home nearly an hour earlier is quite significant and has cheered me up no end!

Only thing I will have to change: Footwear! Running for a bus in heavy duty work shoes is quite sore: Converse in future! That'll shave another minute or so off the time it takes to get from work to the bus stop, which will be good.

OK, so enough of this thinking out loud stuff.

Basically, I just also wanted to add, how amazing it is for me, to connect with people. It's got to have something to do with the fact that I've been single for a fair few months now, but I think it also has something to do with being sober. Without drugs or drink to cause that shadow over my mind, I rejoice a lot more in making "real" connections with "real" things. I.e. people! And their interesting minds.

Honestly, it seems a little weird, but when I stumble upon a blog or a piece of literature where someone has expressed some interesting thoughts that click with me, I'm nearly overwhelmed with joy. For example: I really love this comic The idea of incremental steps is something that has, in part, been the basis of EVERYTHING I've done, over the last few years of my life. It's all a bit corny: But there's just a real joy from realising there are people out there who can express the things that I constantly think about but never find a way of sharing.

So I guess that is what encouraged todays stream of consciousness blogginess. So apologies, but you should direct your disapproval towards that comic. Or towards these other nuggets of wonderfully insightful thoughts

Day 216 - [CONTINUED]

So I am about to leave work and I have two choices: I finish at 7am, but the first bus doesn't get here until 7:30am. This bus will get me into town about 8am. However, I could make a mad dash to the next nearest bus stop, where there will be a bus at 7:16am and it will arrive in the City Centre (my destination) at 7:48, but it might take me 15 minutes to get there. The next bus from there will be 7:31.

The question is: Do I want to wait around here for 30 mintes, or make a mad dash to another bus stop, which in the end might not save me any time anyway.

Y'see to me there are pros and cons for both: Namely, I don't want to hang around here for 30 minutes, because doing "nothing" annoys me. And the idea of the mad dash means I get a bit of a run!

On the other hand, most sensible people would say "what's the point of rushing? You're not going to save anytime in the long run?" which is why I would normally go with that thinking, go get a cuppa tea and then casually stroll out to the bus stop.

The thing is, this is the last of my 4 nights in a row (I work 4 on / 4 off) and the excitement of getting home and getting off for 4 days is filling me with more enthusiasm for the run-for-the-bus-for-no-real-reason....

Decisions, decisions.

Day 216 - Me ... On TV!

In case you missed it, here is the performance I did with Quire for the finale of BBC1's Art Space programme. It'll only be available for a week or so (and I won't be allowed to upload my own copy later), so in the words of Snopp Dogg, drop it like it's hot. And by that I mean, err... Click on the embedded window below and watch the clip!

Cheers :)

Day 215

Howdy people. I have now been sober 215 days. I am feeling good. My new job has been great, although is it bad if I am now resorting to snorting water to try and get some moisture into that area of my face? Yes, the security control room I spend my time in here is quite stuffy, warm and dry. The fan does little to help. Though, that is generally the extent of my worries. There's a stunning view from here of the Belfast City Airport and the mountains. The fact that this place is sort of, out of the way, also means a general lack of tracksuited little hoodlums trying to reak their carefree havoc onto anything not nailed into titanium.

In the unlikely event that I haven't spammed you all to death with my new website, you can have a look at it here: www.martinbyrnemusic.co.uk

I think it looks great and I'm quite proud of my internet acumen in making it look so flashy and nice, in preparation for the tonnes of traffic generated by my appearance on national television tomorrow!

What's that you say? Marty are you going to be on TV, that most distinguished of multi-media portals?

Why yes! Yes I am. I shall be performing a short piece of music alongside a group known as Quire, who are a choir of singers made up of LGBT people (that's Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual and Transgendered people for the uninitiated.) The group and I were asked to collaborate on a piece for the BBC 1 TV show Art Space. It's for the final episode of the series and it will be on BBC 1 Northern Ireland, tomorrow night (Wednesday) at 10:45pm. It'll also be on the BBC Iplayer for a week after that.

Working with the choir was definitely a fun experience. We didn't actually have as much time to prepare for the show that I might have liked, but it was understandable considering how many people were involved and how hard it is to arrange times for all these people to play together, when we all have day jobs and other commitments to manage too. However, disclaimers aside, I think the piece we put together was great and our TV performance will hopefully have captured that well.

Watch it, even if only to see me fluff yet another live interview. (I just don't do this whole "speaking" thing very well.)

So what else?

The Qube gig at the Black Box was much fun. I think it was our strongest yet. There was a sense of catastrophe about it, but the performances and playing were spot on, full of conviction and the whole vibe of the evening was relaxed and fun. Qube is about playing challenging music and performances, I felt this gig achieved that really well, without being too uptight or pretentious. And it was great to get my purple dress out of the wardrobe again (it's been almost 2 years since I last wore it.)

YoYo News: First proper night at Slide went quite well. I was having doubts at some points, but at the end of the night, we realised it was definitely a success. We just need to keep getting the word about and getting regular punters down. Slide is a great wee spot, it's a shame more people don't know about it. It's a great venue inside too. Combined with Niall and I's awesome DJ playlists (but of course), YoYo should really be rammed every month. We shall see...

Hexxed news: Dublin gig, Saturday June 12th at the Twisted Pepper.

Other newsy news things of news worthy newsness: Ummm well, covered the new job, the gigs and stuff... Hmm... Yea, that's about it.

Gathering some ideas and forming things of a certain nature, at the moment for future plans, but I don't want to speak of any of this until it's a bit more solid, except to say, that I am very much liking the idea of getting more organised with all things music related.

And sobriety: It all goes well. I really don't envy people who deal with side effects, hangovers and all the pain associated with partying. I don't miss it at all. Of late, I feel I have missed out on some very cool gigs, but that was due to work and money, usual story. Anyway, hopefully with the new job (and a rota that I can plan my life around) and a bit more pay, I can plan to see more of the local stuff going on.

It seems there are a few really cool bands / acts happening in N.I / R.O.I recently too. Yes, I want to be one of the scenster, hipster, cool-as-ferk kids, for a change. Except for the naff haircuts and blood clot inducing tight jeans, it looks like fun!