Day 221

Here at work, 23:30, someone just drove up to the gate, waited for ages, then got out of their car, started dancing around in the rain, singing a bit, then got in the car and drove off again. It was like they were waiting to see if anyone was here and would they react to this behaviour. The answer: No. I'll stay dry, safe and warm indoors, while getting some clear footage of your mug on CCTV! Thanks all the same. I wonder if they'll be back.

I started here on 4th May 2010. So I've been doing this 4 nights on / 4 nights off rota for a month. Yet, every 2nd night I'm on, I feel incredibly bummed and frustrated with all of it. I don't know why, I guess it could be a tiredness thing, or something to do with re-adjusting back into the swing of it. Without fail, I just end up feeling depressed.

Tonight I toyed with the idea of moving away from Belfast. The feeling of being free to explore a new place, instead of feeling stuck in a rut. This new job has been a great improvement over my last one, but this really isn't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life!

How much longer am I going to let myself do what I don't want to?

How do I get myself into the position where I am free to do what I want?

Could I just take off, abandon this place, wing it in a new country and maybe things would just fall into place?

I could try and get a job in another country. Any job. Any country. Just to get out of here. Just because I want the change so badly.

But then what?

A new place, but another shit job, no friends...

If I was to get a job, then a place to stay, THEN I could bring all my shit over there. All my guitars, my music gear. A new place...

But would anything be different?
Would I then "let myself" do all these things I want to do now?
Or would I just make excuses about having no time and realise nothing had changed at all?

... It's possible it would be a massive failure...

But then again, there's only one way to find out!

This is all exciting stuff, but let's rewind here, there are still 3 small things to sort out:

1. Where am I going?
2. What am I going to do when I get there?
3. Where will I stay?

Maybe I just need a holiday.