Day 365 - SOBER FOR A YEAR!!!

I'm currently sitting in a bungalow that has a conservatory overlooking the Mourne mountains, with beautiful green fields all around us.

It's amazingly sunny for this time of year. It's mild and dry outside. The band are setting up their instruments and getting ready for a night of totally uninhibited free expression. We have canvases, paint, percussion instruments in various shapes and sizes, drums, guitars and assorted esoteric thingy-me-bobs. It's 4pm on Saturday, 30th October.

I have now been sober for a year!

Last night there were some nice disco beats at the Pavilion, followed by afterparty funnings. We talked a little about the Sober For A Year thing and I celebrated, in a quiet way, with good vibes all around me and good people. This morning I got home to pack up and found a card posted through the door:


(sorry about the crap quality of my phone pic)

This was a really sweet gesture actually, because it would have been very easy for my sister to simply hand me the card or even just phone and say "Well done!" So I was quite touched.

So to reflect a little (but not too much, you'll be glad to hear, as the Hexxed weekend of mad noises and free thought is about to begin!) ... The last year has been a great. I've achieved some great things and felt plenty of positive changes in myself. Some of these things have been subtle, but important for me, as a person who is often very sensitive to changes in my emotional state.

So will I carry on being sober?

Being completely honest, I'm thinking I might let my hair down a little bit this evening. Obviously taking into consideration how sensitive I'm going to be to any "foreign" input into my system. This is a special weekend with the guys in the band and a time to say, "Yes. I did something quite cool!" Equally I don't feel this is some sort of "reward" for my sobriety, more just a chance to have a little taster of what I missed. Niall has just taken our orders and is driving to the "The Wine King" (tee hee hee) to buy me a bottle of red wine. I might just have a wee sip.

I don't plan to drink next weekend or any after though... I've enjoyed being sober. Saving the money. Being without hangovers and the foggy head of doubt the morning after.

Right anyway.

I gotta go folks. Thanks so much for all your donations to charity, the money isn't tonnes, but it goes straight to SANE and I reckon it'll be a gesture towards a great organisation that do very important work for people who need support. The often overlooked outsiders. Thanks massively to all you people who have posted and commented on here, facebook and twitter and shown me nothing but support and encouragement. It really helped me through to log on and see that I had 2 or 3 messages waiting some days.

And thanks to all the people who offered support and encouragement when I was out and about too! It really means a lot to me. I didn't experience one negative comment from people actually. Not a single person said "What a stupid idea!" or "I think what you're doing is pointless", some people merely said, "oh good for you", but that to me was still positive.

Anyway. Less ranting. Time for noise!

Catch y'all later.

Toodley pip!!!! :)

Day 363 - Nearly there!!

Back into the closet I go...

For nearly a year I pointedly avoided talking about this topic in this here blog, for a few reasons which I will get to, but with just 2 days left to go until I am SOBER FOR A YEAR, I thought I'd say a couple of words about this, somewhat thorny subject.

But first I must say: The Hexxed - Synapse Collision gig was a hoot! Probably the most satisfying gig I've played. The turn out was made up of many fellow musicians who had never heard Hexxed before, which was nice. There was a great vibe in the room, so many cool people up for hearing some new things. Adnan and Paul played a blinder and opened the show up with some excellent tones, clanks, screeches, hits, bonks, beats, fuzz, scratches and general noise filth that made me so pleased. Paul's new instrument was premièred and had many people staring in interest. Their performance was so much about the visual aspect as well as the aural.

Livingstone were great too. It was more straight ahead tuneage, in the form of rocking and a rolling, with some very nice guitar playing and laptop beats and pieces. It was nice to see and hear something with plenty of gusto, without the need for it to be "punk" or "metal" or relying so much on heavy guitars too. A rare thing.

Hexxed performed the entire album pretty damn well. There were wee hiccups here and there, which I am fairly confident only the members of the band would have picked up on, so from that perspective, I think it was as close to perfect as we all could have hoped for. The mood was just right, the crowd seemed totally transfixed and into it. The reaction afterwards was brilliant.

I felt on form with my vocals. I felt I had plenty of room to hit all the right notes and do all the hard work on the growls and screams. I toned down my jumping about a bit, both because of space limitations and because it felt right to not try to steal attention so much: To let people see us as a unit and see us all work off each other, as opposed to the front man stealing the show.

I am so pleased we got to perform the entire album in that atmosphere and I felt we gave it a proper send off. It's also got to be said that I believe the performance of the album now, is 10x more proficient and full of energy than what is captured on the CD (which now features recordings from about 2 years ago). I would totally be up for performing it more and taking the album on tour. I think experiencing the entire album in this way is the best way to understand it.

However I'm also happy to move onto the next stage with the band: writing and creating new songs and a whole new concept for the band.

So the gig was a massive success! The future for Hexxed is looking good and shit, y'all.

Now for the gritty stuff:

I've wrote a little about being gay and how it can be difficult working with people who immediately assume you're straight and therefore will say some, not-so-PC-things about homosexuality. They might ask you questions about your love life and put you in a position where it's incredibly hard (for me at least) to just say, "Umm actually I'm attracted to men not women, just to clarify that for you." What I still struggle with, is the "why?": Why is it so fucking hard for me to just say it?

Possible reasons:

1. A lot of gay culture offends me: Why is it acceptable for gay bars to have video juke boxes that play Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Kylie all night? Why is assumed that if I am gay I am into tacky, tasteless pop culture? WHY?!!! WHY DAMMIT!!

I feel like a minority within a minority, within a minority... Good for the ego on the one hand: I'm probably 1 in a billion. Bad for meeting like-minded people for potential relationships! *SAD FACE*

Being "gay" implies a set of behaviours to people that I don't feel fairly represent me at all: I'm not really obviously "effeminate". Lucky me eh? I get to pretend to be all butch and shit when I go to gay bars, or something... (in fairness I stopped ever going to gay bars about 4 months ago, mainly because of the music... and the creepy leery drunken queeny blokes... and the poncey bar staff... and the unlikelihood of ever meeting anyone I can even remotely relate too.... but I digress)

Many, many times I've had conversations with straight people in work, enjoying the banter, but all the while being faintly aware that that level of conversation is built upon their belief that I am straight. Conversely I've seen the negative way similar people have treated openly gay men in the workplace: There's an obvious barrier there.

I hate that. I hate that being open about one detail of myself immediately cuts me off from all this other potential social interaction that I could be sharing with people. Yet this is the way it is always going to be, as far as I can see, because there is an attitude towards homosexuality - a set of assumptions and ideas about behaviours and intentions - that is ingrained in many people. And that isn't any one individual's fault, in my opinion: The prejudice is based on what people are taught in society, the imagery they are brought up with, the media, the politics, the environment, etc. etc.

I don't wish to try and undo that, because frankly that's impossible. Challenging people on it is fair enough, but it's not really a fight I could be arsed with.

2. Sex isn't really an appropriate topic for conversation in work all the time! This is why I feel uncomfortable with "gay culture" in general: For there to be a "community" of gay people, there has to be a point when people open their mouths and say, "Hey everyone, I want you to know what I do with my sexual organs! That's right, I choose to put them into these orifices here! That makes me X! Now accept me and treat me the same as everyone else, dammit!!!" I don't know about you, but I'd probably spit out my cornflakes if I heard someone actually say that shit out loud.

Point is: What we do in our sex lives is all very personal and intimate and not really the topic of a casual conversation over tea and crumpets for most people, is it? Therefore, why should anyone need to know or care?

3. The argument about homosexuality being "unnatural" does ring through to me a little. I'd like to say I'm above that, but sadly I'm not: I understand that straight people are wired to find the opposite sex attractive, that's a key part of evolution right there: Birth, procreation, death.

Whether or not to procreate is a choice and a totally different point, but the fact is: It's the natural way of life for animals to mate with the opposite sex and procreate. It happens quite a bit I hear. So, yea, I think there is a reasonable argument there that gay sex is "unnatural". What I don't accept so easily however, is that "unnatural" implies something morally wrong. How can you be so self righteous about your attraction to someone as to deem it "morally right"? Seems a bit arrogant to me,"Baby you and I should get together, because it is the right thing to do!" ... Not the best lyric in a love song I've ever heard.

This goes back to point 1 though: I understand why many people have not thought this argument through and instead are brought up to believe that man + woman = correct, man + anything else = ewwwww WRONGNESS you're going to hell, dirty sinner... Unless I move to some isolated island, working in some gay sex therapy centre or something, I think I'll have to accept, that homophobia is part of this world.

4. I haven't really seen or grown up with ANY positive gay role models. Although I am realising more and more, that there are many, many, brilliantly intellectual, articulate, creative and interesting gay people out there, which is encouraging. It's just a shame that there are so many embarrassing gay people....... NO !! WAIT!!!!

That's the thing though, gay people don't represent me. No more than any straight person represents any other straight person!! The notion that I'm somehow responsible for Graham Norton is pretty worrying. But then I wouldn't say to my colleague in work, "You should be ashamed of yourself, that Harold Shipman was a disgrace to your kind!" Would I?

Anyway, all that shite aside: In work, things have been fine, mostly. As they have been before. However, the jokes about gayness and "Schtuff" have been still hovering about and I completely flaked on a couple of occasions when asked some pertinent questions: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Me: NO.

"Why not?"

Me: Umm... Because I ... *mumble*

Someone else interupts me: "He hasn't met the right women yet, isn't that right?"

Me: Ha. Yea. Sure. Ha. *skulk away*

And...

"Alright my big homo mates?"

"You shouldn't say that around Martin, what if he was actually gay? Would you not feel bad that you're slagging him off and he's actually a gay bloke?"

... Awkward silence, people waiting for me to react...

Me: "Yea, exactly... Ha. Mmmmhmmm..."

And tonnes more similar examples of my utter lame weak ass attempts at trying to come out at work in the quietest way known to mankind.

Meh...

I think it's important to say that I get on quite well with the majority of people in work. In fact, it's the first time since I worked in Maplins (back in 2005 / 2006) where that has been the case!

Anyway. In other newsy newsy news worthy news of news ness.....ness ness ness ness....

I've been sober for NEARLY a year!! How about that shit?

I'm pretty fucking proud of myself (even if I am a big queer... ho ho ho... err...) and I'm going to have to take a bit of time to write a decent blog entry reflecting on how the year has been and what I plan to do next...

But this is not that time!

Good night folks.

:)

This weekend the Hexxed boys are planning a wee band bonding session away and I can't friggin' wait. I think I'll probably not drink. In fact, I'm nearly certain of that. But I may have to find some way to celebrate this bit of a milestone. It'll probably be enough to be with some cool people, in a cool environment and having the craic, leek.

Day 354 - Continued...

First thing this morning as i got on the 2nd bus to work: A work colleague calls me and another guy 'gay boys' and 'big fruits'.

And she says this type of thing throughout the day.

It doesn't matter though. She doesn't mean any harm by it. And throughout the day I felt the banter was good with people and we all got on pretty well.

The way I see it, there's a good analogy about the same kind of stick I get for my beard! People are just teasing and having a bit of a joke, I could get all up in arms about it and say, "You can't say those things about bearded people! That's BEARDIST!! I find these comments deeply offensive!" But it's quite understandable that I'd be laughed at even more.

I'm sure if people at work knew I was gay they would either stop using derogatory gay words, or they'd just tease me in a different way. That's fine.

There was also an interesting point when two people were joking about who I fancied at work, one suggested a girl there and I said, slightly in mock offense, "People around here keep making assumptions about me". It was kinda, almost coming out! Sorta. Under my breath. Sorta, kinda.

Oddly though, one of my work colleagues replied (equally in a faint mumble), "You should just tell people, or it'll make it worse."

That kinda caught me off guard. 1. Because it was a very fair comment that hits the nail on the head with all this shit I've been writing about the last few days. 2. Because the way this person said it, it made it seem like they already knew. ...

I sort of sensed a slight change in the atmosphere after that, but it could have been purely imagined. A change, only in that there was a period of less banter and more quiet. Who knows if that was the collective consciousness of the room readjusting itself to these new revelations, or merely an increased sense of awareness on my part at the mild feeling of a cat being let out of a metaphorical bag. It might have just been one of the many points throughout the day when people just get on with work.

Hmmm.

One thing today I was pretty uncomfortable with was when another girl at work was kinda picked out and picked on for the amount of work she's done recently. We're all pretty much in earshot of each other, so it was slightly cringe worthy in places it seemed a bit like humiliation. Clearly it is all about keeping people on their toes and reminding us that we'll get the same treatment if we slip up! But still, is that really necessary? I know she felt pretty shitty after that.

Anyway, I've had some quite supportive comments (and a phone call) from friends in the last few days. I just want to say I don't feel like a "victim" or isolated, or helpless, or alone (any more. I'm not sure if I did feel "alone" but I definitely felt a bit victimised and probably unnecessarily).

So thanks very much people!!

I'm not sure how to progress with things in work, but I don't plan to make some big announcement, there's obviously no need. I have a feeling things will just work themselves out naturally. I'm not going to force it and hopefully no one else will feel the need to pressure me into saying or acting in some way I'm not comfortable with.

And we can all get on with our lives!

AMEN.

Day 354

354 days sober AND... 365 days off the cigarettes!

How about that?

In other news about fags...

I just seen this on the "Community Channel" while flicking through TV a couple of hours ago.

It was fairly hard hitting stuff in places: Word of advice to gay people. DON'T have your wedding in Jamaica!

It's put me in a bit of conflict. Even writing this is already putting myself in a position I'm unsure I want to be in. The question is:

Do I really want to be "Militant Gay Man"?

Challenging homophobia and it's injustices throughout the land?! No. I don't think so.

I watched that show and I think it's really fucking sad that there are so many misguided, hateful people out there. And I realise that in work there are constant comments that could be considered homophobic.

I wrote the other day that it's my choice whether or not I let it bother me. Another way to put is: Is it worth alienating myself and making my work life potentially very difficult? If I challenge someone on these comments what will happen then? People will feel uncomfortable around me. They'll stop talking to me so much, they'll be guarded around me, they'll maybe deliberately start saying these things to intimidate me.

The best that can possibly happen is that people will be happy enough to talk about it and ask questions and even have a joke about it, but will still be open with me. It's not like I'm really close to people in work, but I'd like to think we all get on pretty well. It's a small enough team.

The more likely thing is that the awkwardness will make it too hard to stay in the job.

So I don't know if it's worth "confronting" anyone about their comments. However, why should I lie about who I am?

It's so frustrating because I am constantly coming in and out of the closet all the time, depending on the situation and the people. People always assume I'm straight and I still don't completely accept myself: I understand why many people find it strange and different and I understand why my sexuality makes some people feel uncomfortable.

I might think people are wrong for judging me, but I understand where their thinking comes from, because I used to think like that too! I.e. that homosexuality isn't "natural", it's an abnormality. But then as Stephen Fry quite rightly pointed out: Morality is unnatural, love is unnatural.

Do I have to explain all this to people in work though? Do I have to try and educate them?

Fuck that. It's not my responsibility to make them use their fucking brains. It's their responsibility to have some sense and consider other people's feelings. I'm sick of hearing the phrases "you big fruit", "gay as fuck", "woofter" all day, all around me from men and women in my workplace. Am I expected to just say nothing and get over it?

But then again, we live in Northern Ireland where some people will judge you based on which religion you were born into, or which part of this city you were brought up in. I have had to listen to some talk program on the radio at work a few mornings and it's utterly depressing how backward some people in this country are. It wears me down a little, when I think how much of an outsider I really am.

Part of me likes being an outsider, but it's shite when you feel that you've no one behind you, no one understands or gives a fuck about the person underneath the fake smile and small talk. I don't expect people at work to care about me and of course I have friends who are totally accepting and supportive of who I am. I just feel like... Life is too fucking short to be hanging around in places and situations with people who expect me to be sorry for what I am, or sorry for how I feel.

On the other hand, no one needs to give a fuck! With these guys at work, we can sit around on our lunch break and there is good banter. Of course there is sleggin' and all that, but it's generally all good natured and I haven't felt excluded from that... Yet. How will that all change if I come out to these people?

Hmmm...

Alarm set for 6:30am.

Time to sleep on it.

Day 352

So Friday night was great!

Saturday Hexxed practice was even better.

Sunday has been an exercise in utter laziness. I've done nothing but watch movies and eat junk food. It's also been a week since I've been up to my studio. Very naughty.

So this is the "9 - 5 lifestyle": Work all week and do nothing in the evenings. Nights out on the weekend. Doing minus nothing on Sunday. I've been here before. I don't care for it much.

This coming week I'm going to make a point of getting up to the studio after work. It'll be hard and tiring, because after work I just want to come home and sleep, but I'll do it and get into the habit of it. I need some sense of hope. I need to believe that my creative life isn't just going to wither and die now that I am working a "normal" day job again.

Besides, I am paying for the studio.

Having a new job at least takes away some of the worry I had a couple of weeks ago. But this situation is far from ideal. And I'm concerned that everything up to this point has just been that mentality of Summer freedom and hope with the winter bringing me back to reality with a crash: There is no career in music for me. There is no way I'm going to be able to afford to quit my day job and live off doing what I love... etc etc etc...

So it's important for me to keep making time for the things I love, otherwise I will give into that negative way of thinking and frankly, life will feel like an utterly pointless franchise.

Time to sleep. Alarm set for 6am. GROAN!!

[EDIT: I just realised my post the other day said "Day 346" when it should have been "Day 350", corrected it now. That's only the 2nd time in almost a year I've made a mistake like that, but my google calendar put me right. I know I'm right, because Day 350 fell on WEEK 50 also, so that all checks out! Sorry for the confusion. All sorted now. Carry on...]

Day 350

Day 5 at the new job complete. Things are going fine really, but maybe more on this later.

It's Friday, so time to get the feck out of the house and go shake it to some PHAT BEATS!!! Off to Ecker we go. Can't wait for Kid Kameleon!

Meanwhile, I uploaded a new piece of music to Soundcloud as Doctor Lilt.

Also, I just watched this video and thought it was definitely worth sharing with you all:

I found this incredibly moving. I know it's easy to snub this sort of thing and take the piss, but it caught me with my defences down and the message in it deeply affects me, especially right now in this new working environment.

The new piece of music on Soundcloud I mentioned above is loosely related to this video (and the "It Gets Better" campaign).

Anyway, enough of the seriousness.

Big long Hexxed practice tomorrow for preparations of the Synapse Collision gig in Auntie Annies, Thursday 21st October, and then some time in the studio to catch up on various music related bits and bobs. Shhhhaaaaayyyyyyes!!!

Toodle pip for now.

Day 349 - Bikes = Yikes!

Back in the summer months I bought a bike.

I talked about it for a long time before eventually making a concerted effort to find one. My sister (and yes I am blaming this on you. Partly anyway! :P ... ) suggested I find a cheap second hand bike somewhere, so I searched on Gumtree.

The bike I bought was a bargain (you know where this is going already, don't you?) at £40! I decided to spend £30 on a bike helmet (best to be safe on the road, since this was going to be an ambitious new hobbie and method of transport!) and £10 on a pump and a lock.

Took the bike to work for the first time and it was great: A proper trek that wore me out, but I liked "feeling the burn" and I realised it would get easier with time! Cycled home from work. All good!

A couple of days later I decided to cycle into town to meet a friend for coffee...

KABLAM!!!! Pssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttt....

Here. Have a puncture buddy. Do you like that?

Umm No. Not really.

Well, guess what, it's a huge big screw, wedged right into the tyre. How do you like that?

Umm, that's... That's kinda not cool, I'm going to have to walk with this punctured bike all the way into town and home again later.

So. My original enthusiasm was diminished somewhat after this little event. You could say my enthusiasm deflated like a punctured tyre.

I bought a puncture repair kit a few days (or a couple of weeks) later, took the back wheel off, patched over the hole in the tube. I checked the tube was sealed. It was! I put the back wheel back on.

I pumped up the tyre. All good. Squeezing the back tyre I thought "Nah, it could take more air than this!" I pumped more. And you guessed it...

KABLAM!!!! Pssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttt....

I pumped too much! The new patch ripped. The tube was dead. OK. Fuck this, I thought. Time to buy a new tube and while I'm at it, I'm going to buy a new back tyre. So I went to Mc Garvey's in the town, got a new tube and a brand new tyre for £10! Which is pretty damn cheap!

Several months later (yes, procrastination is a hell of a thing) I decided to try and fit the new tube and tyre onto the back wheel.

So tonight, I was working away. Got the new tyre and tube fitted pretty easily. I decided to tinker with the brakes: see if I could loosen them from rubbing against the back wheel. Bad idea! Fucked about with that for about an hour.

Eventually, I got the bike out the door and decided to take her for a wee spin around the block. It all seemed to be going well, until I tried to change gears....

CRACK!! CRACKLE!! KADINK! KADINK!! KADINK !!! ... Half a heart attack...

I look down. The gear sprockets have literally ripped right off the bike! The chain is tangled up around the pedals. The thing is a mangled mess!

And that was how I spent the evening after my third day of work at the new job. Now it's time for bed. 6 hours sleep. Then up to shower, make sandwiches and off to work I go again. But not on my bike. No.

It's another day ticket on the bus tomorrow morning and maybe I'll save my money for a decent bike in future.

Day 347 - Continued... Day 2 of New Job Complete

Well I must say, today was much easier than yesterday. With hindsight I can see that I was understandably on my guard a little yesterday, because it was my first day in that whole new environment with new people and new things to learn.

The job went by easy enough today, I just got my head down. Other than my breaks I worked solidly. At some points it was getting a bit sore on my back, being on my feet all day, but the breaks helped and it was easy enough work. I'm getting the swing of it all rightly. In fact, I don't think there's much more to learn.

People there also told me that Monday's are always hardest because of the backlog of orders over the weekend.

So today made me realise that I'm really warming to these people at work already. This is a bit odd really, because I haven't really chat with them that much, or know much about them. Possibly I just realise the massive contrast between my relationship with people at work in my last job, compared to how it is now. There's been no patronising condescension. There's been no dirty looks or snipey comments. The people at work are jovial and good natured. There are even people into proper music there! (!) ... (when I say 'proper' I mean more than just sticking on the radio and/or watching X-Factor)...

I don't want to paint it like there's some rainbow pouring through the windows constantly and everyone is smiling, but it's a good enough atmosphere and everyone's been cool.

OK, so yesterday I mentioned this stuff about the "woofter" comments and such, but today I saw another side to that sense of humour: The way women have just as much power to make fun of the so-called "macho" guys in the workplace. The traditional idea of men sexually harassing women, leering about like animals and making inappropriate comments doesn't exist here (as far as I can see) and it's more like a small family just having a laugh, teasing each other.

So anyway, thumbs up all round.

I am kind of tempted to keep reporting on some of the details of my progress through this job, because it could make for an interesting document. Won't that be kinda creepy though?

I have been warned about THE BOSS a couple of times. I still haven't spoke to him. I've seen him pass through. Perhaps this is going to be the "catch" with an otherwise tolerable job. I don't plan on letting someone just scream at me for no reason though. If gives me shit and it's offensive and unreasonable in any shape of form, I'll tell him so: As a colleague mentioned yesterday, "No job is worth taking abuse like that". He also hasn't encountered this infamous temper of the boss, but like myself, he has been warned about it.

I would like to be able to convince myself that it's all just a running joke and the boss is actually the total opposite of aggressive or short (he certainly doesn't look like the type that will fly off the handle). But time will tell.

That's all for now. . . Carry on.

Day 347 - 18 Days To Go!

347 days off the booze and everything else. That's 18 days to go, until I've completed an entire year sober. It's also 51 weeks since I gave up smoking too!

So I started my new job today.

Well, the bad news first:

It's pretty monotonous and dull. There was some awkward socialising stuff. The place was roasting at one point and I had to stand all day except for the breaks. It's about 45 minutes for me by bus.

The good news then:

I took to the job pretty quickly and got my head down. The entire operation is pretty straight forward, which gives me a sense that my place in the scheme of things is relevant and I'm not just a drone (even if I am). There was some good socialising stuff! There were 3 breaks.

OK, so more bad news:

This is kinda the epitome of "dead end job". There's no career in this. I am completely replaceable and expendable. Apparently the boss has a serious temper problem (though I haven't encountered him yet).

Something I've tried to program into myself with this job (which I didn't do with my last job) is to try and actually be open and honest with people. I feel it's the only way I'll be able to tolerate the job: If I am hiding part of myself or constantly thinking things that I feel I can not say, then I'm just not going to be able to enjoy being there. And the self-censorship will eventually lead to frustration and I'll just want to leave the place. That same self-censorship is the thing that always leads me to becoming paranoid and insecure, detaching myself from the reality around me. So maybe I can see this job as a test of this principle: I'll try my best to simply be honest with myself and others around me. A chance to see if all my usual ridiculous fears about people not accepting me, are really that ridiculous or not. I suspect I will learn that people don't mind the real me, because I'm actually a pretty reasonable guy... I think.

Anyway, I made an attempt at this "new found honesty plan!" today and still found that I couldn't stick to it completely.

In my head I thought, "Once again, I'm being put into this position of blah blah blah..." but then I realised it was completely my decision to feel that way. It was my decision to get offended when someone started making comments about becoming a "woofter" if you worked there too long. I could simply choose to say, "What's wrong with being a woofter?" and CONFRONT the comments head on. Or I could say something along those lines. BUT... I CHOSE NOT TO.

And besides, it wasn't meant in any kind of malicious way, I don't think. There was more of that type of humour later on, (straight guys joking about gayness and acting gay ... blah blah blah)...

Why do I choose to take that shit personally?

I think it's because I don't want anyone to censor themselves on my behalf, so I don't want to confront the issue and tell them that their comments effect me.

On the other hand, people adjust their behaviour because of me being there anyway. Whether I like it or not, I'm a new guy there and so it's perfectly natural for their behaviour to be adjusted accordingly around me, for a while. Whether in the sense that they'll be trying to get to know me, or trying to avoid me. I'm not invisible. I can't make people not respond to me. I'm there and that's how it is, for now.

So with that in mind, I should take control of the impression I give to people... I should ASSERT myself.

Well... It's easier said than done. As usual. But after all this is said and done, I think I got on all right with some people. I probably have to accept that getting to know people will take time, it will take them time to get used to me and vice versa.

This is all rudimentary social stuff, that really shouldn't require such a outpouring into this here blog, so I apologise people. I just felt it was best to spew it out now, or forever hold my peace.

In other good news:

I had a great weekend. Friday night awesome beats (courtesy of DJ Foamo), Saturday night, insane-ness at the Pavilion with Hexxed and some other bands. Some of which were unafraid to embrace dressing up in costumes (there were wizards and ... I think... Vikings?)

Hexxed played a blinder of course. We all enjoyed ourselves.

Sunday was excellent craic too. Recording some backing vocals with Rachel Austin up at Studio 23. Really good fun!

Today was a very productive day for me in some ways. Starting this new job has got my imagination all fired up. I went home and wrote this idea for film. I'm quite pleased with it. It's kinda complete. It has 4 different endings.

Then I got writing some lyrics and finishing a new song I've wrote on guitar. It's sounding really lovely. I'm especially pleased with the middle section, which I spent a good couple of hours plotting out. It felt like a good time to focus on the details. Zoom in on areas I normally just glance over. Practice and practice until my fingers were aching. Yes! Constructive-ings!

Finally, I want to say a big thank you everyone's donations so far!! Some recent ones over the weekend are great to see. Cheers.

Day 342 - I love coffee

I love coffee and I have been drinking a lot of it lately. Because of the Niallator!! (yes, I am blaming you) I am now a total hipster dick head who can say "Can I get a Grande Ice Blended Caffe Creme Frappuccino with extra cream please?" and keep a totally straight face in Starbucks.

I don't care though. They are delicious.

Caffeine is my new addiction. I am only good at moderating my intake when I start getting light headed and everything I see gets a bit fuzzier. Until that point, I can guzzle massive mugs of the stuff. I get exercise from my constant trips to the toilet (for number ones).

In other news, I got a job! YAAAYY!!!!!!! I start on Monday! YAY!!! It's two bus journeys away from my house! Yay... And it's NOT the job I was really, really hoping for. yay...

I am going to be working again, so that's the important thing. It's regular hours too which will hopefully get me into a healthier routine with things.

BUT! I need to make a promise to myself to cut out my levels of FAFF, regarding Facebook and other internet time wasting pish.

I need an anti-FAFF-ray.

There is the Pomodoro Technique (thanks Chris), which is a simple and effective approach and I've done this a couple of times while up at studio to good effect.

I need to split my time into simple categories:

CRAP DAY JOB / STUDIO / SLEEP

And that's it. None of this "eating" or "socialising" malarky. Not in this lifetime kiddo. I think I'll be much happier this way.

In also other news (and such as), Hexxed performing the Synapse Collision album at Auntie Annies 21st October. Tell your grannies. The entire album! No breaks! THE WHOLE FUCKING ALBUM!!! I can't wait to do this gig and I hope y'all are going to come down and get your bounce on. This will be the last Hexxed gig for quite sometime. Then it's To The Song Writing Mobile! to get new things happening. Everyone is keen for that. But in the meantime we want to see the Synapse Collision off properly, so no excuses mofos! Get your shit down to this gig!!

Aye, so day 342! Wah? Just over 3 more weeks to go.

Madness leek. It has gone by very quickly, that's very true. Thoughts of, "And then what?" have been recurring more frequently. This is to be expected I suppose. I don't plan to drink again. I don't miss it at all. I can see the future being even better without it.

The charity side of things is still important to me though. I wonder if there's something else I can do for a year afterwards that would generate more cash? (And please don't even waste your time suggesting "celibacy for a year", that's NOT going to happen).

Some suggestions would be nice though. Feel free to splurge your idea muck all over my gaping mind hole. Err... Yea!