354 days sober AND... 365 days off the cigarettes!
How about that?
In other news about fags...
It was fairly hard hitting stuff in places: Word of advice to gay people. DON'T have your wedding in Jamaica!
It's put me in a bit of conflict. Even writing this is already putting myself in a position I'm unsure I want to be in. The question is:
Do I really want to be "Militant Gay Man"?
Challenging homophobia and it's injustices throughout the land?! No. I don't think so.
I watched that show and I think it's really fucking sad that there are so many misguided, hateful people out there. And I realise that in work there are constant comments that could be considered homophobic.
I wrote the other day that it's my choice whether or not I let it bother me. Another way to put is: Is it worth alienating myself and making my work life potentially very difficult? If I challenge someone on these comments what will happen then? People will feel uncomfortable around me. They'll stop talking to me so much, they'll be guarded around me, they'll maybe deliberately start saying these things to intimidate me.
The best that can possibly happen is that people will be happy enough to talk about it and ask questions and even have a joke about it, but will still be open with me. It's not like I'm really close to people in work, but I'd like to think we all get on pretty well. It's a small enough team.
The more likely thing is that the awkwardness will make it too hard to stay in the job.
So I don't know if it's worth "confronting" anyone about their comments. However, why should I lie about who I am?
It's so frustrating because I am constantly coming in and out of the closet all the time, depending on the situation and the people. People always assume I'm straight and I still don't completely accept myself: I understand why many people find it strange and different and I understand why my sexuality makes some people feel uncomfortable.
I might think people are wrong for judging me, but I understand where their thinking comes from, because I used to think like that too! I.e. that homosexuality isn't "natural", it's an abnormality. But then as Stephen Fry quite rightly pointed out: Morality is unnatural, love is unnatural.
Do I have to explain all this to people in work though? Do I have to try and educate them?
Fuck that. It's not my responsibility to make them use their fucking brains. It's their responsibility to have some sense and consider other people's feelings. I'm sick of hearing the phrases "you big fruit", "gay as fuck", "woofter" all day, all around me from men and women in my workplace. Am I expected to just say nothing and get over it?
But then again, we live in Northern Ireland where some people will judge you based on which religion you were born into, or which part of this city you were brought up in. I have had to listen to some talk program on the radio at work a few mornings and it's utterly depressing how backward some people in this country are. It wears me down a little, when I think how much of an outsider I really am.
Part of me likes being an outsider, but it's shite when you feel that you've no one behind you, no one understands or gives a fuck about the person underneath the fake smile and small talk. I don't expect people at work to care about me and of course I have friends who are totally accepting and supportive of who I am. I just feel like... Life is too fucking short to be hanging around in places and situations with people who expect me to be sorry for what I am, or sorry for how I feel.
On the other hand, no one needs to give a fuck! With these guys at work, we can sit around on our lunch break and there is good banter. Of course there is sleggin' and all that, but it's generally all good natured and I haven't felt excluded from that... Yet. How will that all change if I come out to these people?
Hmmm...
Alarm set for 6:30am.
Time to sleep on it.
It can be such an annoying thing to constantly have to 'come out', can't it? I used to feel that I had to explain myself, and worry about what people would think. Nowadays, while I certainly don't think I worry as much about being gay and letting others know about it, I still detest having to 'come out.' After all, when was the last time someone had to tell you they were heterosexual?
ReplyDeleteThing is, when your new work mates get to know you, chances are, if they're worth bothering about, they won’t care if you're gay. They'll have got to know you as a person. Your sexuality is just one small aspect of who you are. The other thing is that it will show them that not all gay men are fans of Kylie Minogue, for example. Which is a good thing: reinforces the fact that we're not all the stereotypes we’re usually perceived to be by those who’ve probably never met a real live gay person.
If you feel inclined, you could just casually slip it into the conversation. If not, cool. Don't beat yourself up about it.
And well done again on the sobriety and ‘unfagginess’ of your last year. Soz. Couldn’t resist. Any idea how much dosh your've raised so far for charity?? :o)
Hey dude, it's £170.50 so far. There was a widget that showed how much I raised, which was much handier than the one I have on the front page now, but for some reason it stopped working and the Just Giving guys have been unable to resolve it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other stuff, I agree with everything you're saying: I shouldn't have to tell people, equally, I don't feel too much pressure or anything from people at work. Today was great, I feel I get on with all the people there pretty well. And I also have a strong enough feeling that they won't care either way.
So I guess all the gay comments shouldn't be taken too harshly. I don't think they are meant to be hurtful or malicious in any way.
Nice to hear from you dude! Hope we can all get together again soon.