Day 354 - Continued...

First thing this morning as i got on the 2nd bus to work: A work colleague calls me and another guy 'gay boys' and 'big fruits'.

And she says this type of thing throughout the day.

It doesn't matter though. She doesn't mean any harm by it. And throughout the day I felt the banter was good with people and we all got on pretty well.

The way I see it, there's a good analogy about the same kind of stick I get for my beard! People are just teasing and having a bit of a joke, I could get all up in arms about it and say, "You can't say those things about bearded people! That's BEARDIST!! I find these comments deeply offensive!" But it's quite understandable that I'd be laughed at even more.

I'm sure if people at work knew I was gay they would either stop using derogatory gay words, or they'd just tease me in a different way. That's fine.

There was also an interesting point when two people were joking about who I fancied at work, one suggested a girl there and I said, slightly in mock offense, "People around here keep making assumptions about me". It was kinda, almost coming out! Sorta. Under my breath. Sorta, kinda.

Oddly though, one of my work colleagues replied (equally in a faint mumble), "You should just tell people, or it'll make it worse."

That kinda caught me off guard. 1. Because it was a very fair comment that hits the nail on the head with all this shit I've been writing about the last few days. 2. Because the way this person said it, it made it seem like they already knew. ...

I sort of sensed a slight change in the atmosphere after that, but it could have been purely imagined. A change, only in that there was a period of less banter and more quiet. Who knows if that was the collective consciousness of the room readjusting itself to these new revelations, or merely an increased sense of awareness on my part at the mild feeling of a cat being let out of a metaphorical bag. It might have just been one of the many points throughout the day when people just get on with work.

Hmmm.

One thing today I was pretty uncomfortable with was when another girl at work was kinda picked out and picked on for the amount of work she's done recently. We're all pretty much in earshot of each other, so it was slightly cringe worthy in places it seemed a bit like humiliation. Clearly it is all about keeping people on their toes and reminding us that we'll get the same treatment if we slip up! But still, is that really necessary? I know she felt pretty shitty after that.

Anyway, I've had some quite supportive comments (and a phone call) from friends in the last few days. I just want to say I don't feel like a "victim" or isolated, or helpless, or alone (any more. I'm not sure if I did feel "alone" but I definitely felt a bit victimised and probably unnecessarily).

So thanks very much people!!

I'm not sure how to progress with things in work, but I don't plan to make some big announcement, there's obviously no need. I have a feeling things will just work themselves out naturally. I'm not going to force it and hopefully no one else will feel the need to pressure me into saying or acting in some way I'm not comfortable with.

And we can all get on with our lives!

AMEN.

Day 354

354 days sober AND... 365 days off the cigarettes!

How about that?

In other news about fags...

I just seen this on the "Community Channel" while flicking through TV a couple of hours ago.

It was fairly hard hitting stuff in places: Word of advice to gay people. DON'T have your wedding in Jamaica!

It's put me in a bit of conflict. Even writing this is already putting myself in a position I'm unsure I want to be in. The question is:

Do I really want to be "Militant Gay Man"?

Challenging homophobia and it's injustices throughout the land?! No. I don't think so.

I watched that show and I think it's really fucking sad that there are so many misguided, hateful people out there. And I realise that in work there are constant comments that could be considered homophobic.

I wrote the other day that it's my choice whether or not I let it bother me. Another way to put is: Is it worth alienating myself and making my work life potentially very difficult? If I challenge someone on these comments what will happen then? People will feel uncomfortable around me. They'll stop talking to me so much, they'll be guarded around me, they'll maybe deliberately start saying these things to intimidate me.

The best that can possibly happen is that people will be happy enough to talk about it and ask questions and even have a joke about it, but will still be open with me. It's not like I'm really close to people in work, but I'd like to think we all get on pretty well. It's a small enough team.

The more likely thing is that the awkwardness will make it too hard to stay in the job.

So I don't know if it's worth "confronting" anyone about their comments. However, why should I lie about who I am?

It's so frustrating because I am constantly coming in and out of the closet all the time, depending on the situation and the people. People always assume I'm straight and I still don't completely accept myself: I understand why many people find it strange and different and I understand why my sexuality makes some people feel uncomfortable.

I might think people are wrong for judging me, but I understand where their thinking comes from, because I used to think like that too! I.e. that homosexuality isn't "natural", it's an abnormality. But then as Stephen Fry quite rightly pointed out: Morality is unnatural, love is unnatural.

Do I have to explain all this to people in work though? Do I have to try and educate them?

Fuck that. It's not my responsibility to make them use their fucking brains. It's their responsibility to have some sense and consider other people's feelings. I'm sick of hearing the phrases "you big fruit", "gay as fuck", "woofter" all day, all around me from men and women in my workplace. Am I expected to just say nothing and get over it?

But then again, we live in Northern Ireland where some people will judge you based on which religion you were born into, or which part of this city you were brought up in. I have had to listen to some talk program on the radio at work a few mornings and it's utterly depressing how backward some people in this country are. It wears me down a little, when I think how much of an outsider I really am.

Part of me likes being an outsider, but it's shite when you feel that you've no one behind you, no one understands or gives a fuck about the person underneath the fake smile and small talk. I don't expect people at work to care about me and of course I have friends who are totally accepting and supportive of who I am. I just feel like... Life is too fucking short to be hanging around in places and situations with people who expect me to be sorry for what I am, or sorry for how I feel.

On the other hand, no one needs to give a fuck! With these guys at work, we can sit around on our lunch break and there is good banter. Of course there is sleggin' and all that, but it's generally all good natured and I haven't felt excluded from that... Yet. How will that all change if I come out to these people?

Hmmm...

Alarm set for 6:30am.

Time to sleep on it.