So I've just come back to post, because I noticed that my last post was from April 2019, where I claimed that I was definitely done with the booze. April 2019 wasn't the last time I drank alcohol!
Oct 11th 2019 was.
Interesting that I could be so clear about quitting and still fail.
I think it goes to show that there's no point constantly making declarations, or statements full of bravado that you're going to quit, when you could easily relapse at any point.
So far, I've managed 1 year and several months since I last had a drink. I don't plan to drink again, but honestly, given my track record, I can't be 100% I never will.
The great weather outside in recent weeks and the stress of Covid and the lockdown has made me think about drinking a lot more.
I don't think I'll crack though.
I'm nervous about those "mile stone" moments though: When it gets to two years, will I let my guard down? "OK, I've done two years now, that means I'm good at not drinking! That means I've beaten my alcoholic tendencies! So I guess I can drink again!"
Or I'll just get fed up with the sober life. Simple as that. One day I'll get up and think, "You know what, fuck this sober shit, I'm fed up with it! It's my life! I can do what I want!"
I've done all of that before, I could do it again.
What helps is talking to myself about the consequences: Thinking about what happens the day after the drinking. Or the weeks after. I think about the slippery slope. The fact that I am hopeless at moderation and have very low self-discipline at times, when I want to "let my hair down". I have tried to move away from that excessive response that I have when I'm taking time off, or wanting to have a holiday etc. For example, instead of thinking, "OK! I've got an evening to myself, let's get a load of booze / drugs / porn / food lined up!!" I'll try and think, "What would I like to do tonight, that I'll still feel good about tomorrow morning?" Or, "What would tomorrow me love from me tonight?"
Basically, I just have to work through it with myself, in real time. Work through the process of how the excessive indulgences will impact the future. Talk to the part of me that remembers what happens when I open that Pandora's box of toying with substances / my addictions: The slippery slope etc.
So far that has worked for me.
Also talking about these sorts of things with other people helps. Especially a close friend I have who is nearly two years sober and had an intense time with health issues related to his alcoholism. Talking very openly and frankly with him about our addiction(s) and experiences has been incredibly helpful. Sometimes just hearing him list some facts about the day he went into hospital with DTs and seizures is enough to slap any notion of getting drunk or high, right off my face.
Sometimes it's good to be reminded of the horrors of these flippant, knee-jerk, reckless decisions.
So anyway, I came here, because another friend recently decided to stop drinking or taking any substances and it reminded me about this blog. Honestly I had totally forgotten about my April 2019 post! I will just close in saying: I don't know how the future will go. I don't know that I definitely will never drink again. I only know that my remembering and talking about all the problems I had, helps me anytime a part of me thinks about it and I know that so far I've been good at pushing away those temptations and I've been good at telling myself, "This isn't who I am anymore!"
But honestly saying, "I'll NEVER drink again" seems too ambitious, too cocky, too naive. I simply don't know that.
I just know that I'll keep trying.
If anyone is reading this and going through anything remotely similar, all I can say is, good luck with it, don't ever feel you have to quit quitting. Never quit quitting. For some people one single day of sobriety could be life changing. One day at a time can be a very powerful way to look at things too. And if you slip, don't beat yourself up over it. Guilt and shame don't get us anywhere. You've gotta love yourself too.
Aye... Lots of cliched things you've all heard before. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Talking to others genuinely helps, walking helps, feeling you've got something / anything meaningful in your life can help.
But addiction is a mad road. It's complicated as fuck. There's no easy answers.
Stopping any addiction is fucking hard, so be sure to allow yourself to feel pride / hope / self-respect / dignity if and when you can stop at any point, for any amount of time!
No comments:
Post a Comment