Day 347 - 18 Days To Go!

347 days off the booze and everything else. That's 18 days to go, until I've completed an entire year sober. It's also 51 weeks since I gave up smoking too!

So I started my new job today.

Well, the bad news first:

It's pretty monotonous and dull. There was some awkward socialising stuff. The place was roasting at one point and I had to stand all day except for the breaks. It's about 45 minutes for me by bus.

The good news then:

I took to the job pretty quickly and got my head down. The entire operation is pretty straight forward, which gives me a sense that my place in the scheme of things is relevant and I'm not just a drone (even if I am). There was some good socialising stuff! There were 3 breaks.

OK, so more bad news:

This is kinda the epitome of "dead end job". There's no career in this. I am completely replaceable and expendable. Apparently the boss has a serious temper problem (though I haven't encountered him yet).

Something I've tried to program into myself with this job (which I didn't do with my last job) is to try and actually be open and honest with people. I feel it's the only way I'll be able to tolerate the job: If I am hiding part of myself or constantly thinking things that I feel I can not say, then I'm just not going to be able to enjoy being there. And the self-censorship will eventually lead to frustration and I'll just want to leave the place. That same self-censorship is the thing that always leads me to becoming paranoid and insecure, detaching myself from the reality around me. So maybe I can see this job as a test of this principle: I'll try my best to simply be honest with myself and others around me. A chance to see if all my usual ridiculous fears about people not accepting me, are really that ridiculous or not. I suspect I will learn that people don't mind the real me, because I'm actually a pretty reasonable guy... I think.

Anyway, I made an attempt at this "new found honesty plan!" today and still found that I couldn't stick to it completely.

In my head I thought, "Once again, I'm being put into this position of blah blah blah..." but then I realised it was completely my decision to feel that way. It was my decision to get offended when someone started making comments about becoming a "woofter" if you worked there too long. I could simply choose to say, "What's wrong with being a woofter?" and CONFRONT the comments head on. Or I could say something along those lines. BUT... I CHOSE NOT TO.

And besides, it wasn't meant in any kind of malicious way, I don't think. There was more of that type of humour later on, (straight guys joking about gayness and acting gay ... blah blah blah)...

Why do I choose to take that shit personally?

I think it's because I don't want anyone to censor themselves on my behalf, so I don't want to confront the issue and tell them that their comments effect me.

On the other hand, people adjust their behaviour because of me being there anyway. Whether I like it or not, I'm a new guy there and so it's perfectly natural for their behaviour to be adjusted accordingly around me, for a while. Whether in the sense that they'll be trying to get to know me, or trying to avoid me. I'm not invisible. I can't make people not respond to me. I'm there and that's how it is, for now.

So with that in mind, I should take control of the impression I give to people... I should ASSERT myself.

Well... It's easier said than done. As usual. But after all this is said and done, I think I got on all right with some people. I probably have to accept that getting to know people will take time, it will take them time to get used to me and vice versa.

This is all rudimentary social stuff, that really shouldn't require such a outpouring into this here blog, so I apologise people. I just felt it was best to spew it out now, or forever hold my peace.

In other good news:

I had a great weekend. Friday night awesome beats (courtesy of DJ Foamo), Saturday night, insane-ness at the Pavilion with Hexxed and some other bands. Some of which were unafraid to embrace dressing up in costumes (there were wizards and ... I think... Vikings?)

Hexxed played a blinder of course. We all enjoyed ourselves.

Sunday was excellent craic too. Recording some backing vocals with Rachel Austin up at Studio 23. Really good fun!

Today was a very productive day for me in some ways. Starting this new job has got my imagination all fired up. I went home and wrote this idea for film. I'm quite pleased with it. It's kinda complete. It has 4 different endings.

Then I got writing some lyrics and finishing a new song I've wrote on guitar. It's sounding really lovely. I'm especially pleased with the middle section, which I spent a good couple of hours plotting out. It felt like a good time to focus on the details. Zoom in on areas I normally just glance over. Practice and practice until my fingers were aching. Yes! Constructive-ings!

Finally, I want to say a big thank you everyone's donations so far!! Some recent ones over the weekend are great to see. Cheers.