Day 363 - Nearly there!!

Back into the closet I go...

For nearly a year I pointedly avoided talking about this topic in this here blog, for a few reasons which I will get to, but with just 2 days left to go until I am SOBER FOR A YEAR, I thought I'd say a couple of words about this, somewhat thorny subject.

But first I must say: The Hexxed - Synapse Collision gig was a hoot! Probably the most satisfying gig I've played. The turn out was made up of many fellow musicians who had never heard Hexxed before, which was nice. There was a great vibe in the room, so many cool people up for hearing some new things. Adnan and Paul played a blinder and opened the show up with some excellent tones, clanks, screeches, hits, bonks, beats, fuzz, scratches and general noise filth that made me so pleased. Paul's new instrument was premièred and had many people staring in interest. Their performance was so much about the visual aspect as well as the aural.

Livingstone were great too. It was more straight ahead tuneage, in the form of rocking and a rolling, with some very nice guitar playing and laptop beats and pieces. It was nice to see and hear something with plenty of gusto, without the need for it to be "punk" or "metal" or relying so much on heavy guitars too. A rare thing.

Hexxed performed the entire album pretty damn well. There were wee hiccups here and there, which I am fairly confident only the members of the band would have picked up on, so from that perspective, I think it was as close to perfect as we all could have hoped for. The mood was just right, the crowd seemed totally transfixed and into it. The reaction afterwards was brilliant.

I felt on form with my vocals. I felt I had plenty of room to hit all the right notes and do all the hard work on the growls and screams. I toned down my jumping about a bit, both because of space limitations and because it felt right to not try to steal attention so much: To let people see us as a unit and see us all work off each other, as opposed to the front man stealing the show.

I am so pleased we got to perform the entire album in that atmosphere and I felt we gave it a proper send off. It's also got to be said that I believe the performance of the album now, is 10x more proficient and full of energy than what is captured on the CD (which now features recordings from about 2 years ago). I would totally be up for performing it more and taking the album on tour. I think experiencing the entire album in this way is the best way to understand it.

However I'm also happy to move onto the next stage with the band: writing and creating new songs and a whole new concept for the band.

So the gig was a massive success! The future for Hexxed is looking good and shit, y'all.

Now for the gritty stuff:

I've wrote a little about being gay and how it can be difficult working with people who immediately assume you're straight and therefore will say some, not-so-PC-things about homosexuality. They might ask you questions about your love life and put you in a position where it's incredibly hard (for me at least) to just say, "Umm actually I'm attracted to men not women, just to clarify that for you." What I still struggle with, is the "why?": Why is it so fucking hard for me to just say it?

Possible reasons:

1. A lot of gay culture offends me: Why is it acceptable for gay bars to have video juke boxes that play Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Kylie all night? Why is assumed that if I am gay I am into tacky, tasteless pop culture? WHY?!!! WHY DAMMIT!!

I feel like a minority within a minority, within a minority... Good for the ego on the one hand: I'm probably 1 in a billion. Bad for meeting like-minded people for potential relationships! *SAD FACE*

Being "gay" implies a set of behaviours to people that I don't feel fairly represent me at all: I'm not really obviously "effeminate". Lucky me eh? I get to pretend to be all butch and shit when I go to gay bars, or something... (in fairness I stopped ever going to gay bars about 4 months ago, mainly because of the music... and the creepy leery drunken queeny blokes... and the poncey bar staff... and the unlikelihood of ever meeting anyone I can even remotely relate too.... but I digress)

Many, many times I've had conversations with straight people in work, enjoying the banter, but all the while being faintly aware that that level of conversation is built upon their belief that I am straight. Conversely I've seen the negative way similar people have treated openly gay men in the workplace: There's an obvious barrier there.

I hate that. I hate that being open about one detail of myself immediately cuts me off from all this other potential social interaction that I could be sharing with people. Yet this is the way it is always going to be, as far as I can see, because there is an attitude towards homosexuality - a set of assumptions and ideas about behaviours and intentions - that is ingrained in many people. And that isn't any one individual's fault, in my opinion: The prejudice is based on what people are taught in society, the imagery they are brought up with, the media, the politics, the environment, etc. etc.

I don't wish to try and undo that, because frankly that's impossible. Challenging people on it is fair enough, but it's not really a fight I could be arsed with.

2. Sex isn't really an appropriate topic for conversation in work all the time! This is why I feel uncomfortable with "gay culture" in general: For there to be a "community" of gay people, there has to be a point when people open their mouths and say, "Hey everyone, I want you to know what I do with my sexual organs! That's right, I choose to put them into these orifices here! That makes me X! Now accept me and treat me the same as everyone else, dammit!!!" I don't know about you, but I'd probably spit out my cornflakes if I heard someone actually say that shit out loud.

Point is: What we do in our sex lives is all very personal and intimate and not really the topic of a casual conversation over tea and crumpets for most people, is it? Therefore, why should anyone need to know or care?

3. The argument about homosexuality being "unnatural" does ring through to me a little. I'd like to say I'm above that, but sadly I'm not: I understand that straight people are wired to find the opposite sex attractive, that's a key part of evolution right there: Birth, procreation, death.

Whether or not to procreate is a choice and a totally different point, but the fact is: It's the natural way of life for animals to mate with the opposite sex and procreate. It happens quite a bit I hear. So, yea, I think there is a reasonable argument there that gay sex is "unnatural". What I don't accept so easily however, is that "unnatural" implies something morally wrong. How can you be so self righteous about your attraction to someone as to deem it "morally right"? Seems a bit arrogant to me,"Baby you and I should get together, because it is the right thing to do!" ... Not the best lyric in a love song I've ever heard.

This goes back to point 1 though: I understand why many people have not thought this argument through and instead are brought up to believe that man + woman = correct, man + anything else = ewwwww WRONGNESS you're going to hell, dirty sinner... Unless I move to some isolated island, working in some gay sex therapy centre or something, I think I'll have to accept, that homophobia is part of this world.

4. I haven't really seen or grown up with ANY positive gay role models. Although I am realising more and more, that there are many, many, brilliantly intellectual, articulate, creative and interesting gay people out there, which is encouraging. It's just a shame that there are so many embarrassing gay people....... NO !! WAIT!!!!

That's the thing though, gay people don't represent me. No more than any straight person represents any other straight person!! The notion that I'm somehow responsible for Graham Norton is pretty worrying. But then I wouldn't say to my colleague in work, "You should be ashamed of yourself, that Harold Shipman was a disgrace to your kind!" Would I?

Anyway, all that shite aside: In work, things have been fine, mostly. As they have been before. However, the jokes about gayness and "Schtuff" have been still hovering about and I completely flaked on a couple of occasions when asked some pertinent questions: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Me: NO.

"Why not?"

Me: Umm... Because I ... *mumble*

Someone else interupts me: "He hasn't met the right women yet, isn't that right?"

Me: Ha. Yea. Sure. Ha. *skulk away*

And...

"Alright my big homo mates?"

"You shouldn't say that around Martin, what if he was actually gay? Would you not feel bad that you're slagging him off and he's actually a gay bloke?"

... Awkward silence, people waiting for me to react...

Me: "Yea, exactly... Ha. Mmmmhmmm..."

And tonnes more similar examples of my utter lame weak ass attempts at trying to come out at work in the quietest way known to mankind.

Meh...

I think it's important to say that I get on quite well with the majority of people in work. In fact, it's the first time since I worked in Maplins (back in 2005 / 2006) where that has been the case!

Anyway. In other newsy newsy news worthy news of news ness.....ness ness ness ness....

I've been sober for NEARLY a year!! How about that shit?

I'm pretty fucking proud of myself (even if I am a big queer... ho ho ho... err...) and I'm going to have to take a bit of time to write a decent blog entry reflecting on how the year has been and what I plan to do next...

But this is not that time!

Good night folks.

:)

This weekend the Hexxed boys are planning a wee band bonding session away and I can't friggin' wait. I think I'll probably not drink. In fact, I'm nearly certain of that. But I may have to find some way to celebrate this bit of a milestone. It'll probably be enough to be with some cool people, in a cool environment and having the craic, leek.