Day 1 went fine. Most of the day I was a little grouchy from lack of sleep (due to doing long hours in work this week) but these last couple of days I have been doing an hour's 'brisk' walk and it's definitely feeling good. Being completely drenched in sweat after each session seems like a good sign. The exercise and general buzz about going through with this is keeping me going. So far so good!
Trying to consider my diet I bought salad, chicken and some bread rolls. Also bought curry noodles (snack thing) and a berry fruit salad (which was so lovely, but far too small).
While I was out doing my hour's walk tonight I used a dirt track which was in near total darkness but for the moonlight. I looked up into the sky and was so moved by the sense of space all around me: Cavehill mountain in the distance to my left and vast empty wasteland, all the way until the mouth of Belfast lough to my right.
It reminded me of some of my drug experiences in the past and I struggled to convince myself that those experiences really are the past and are never going to happen again.
I found it hard convincing myself. I concluded: Maybe one day, years from now there'll be some situation, some scenario, the right balance of things and I'll feel comfortable to risk a drug experience again.
With the right attitude leading up to the experience, then yes, perhaps the risks of taking drugs can be minimised and the positive aspects can be enjoyed. And hey, maybe doing that a handful of times years on down the line could be 'OK' (not necessarily a 'good idea' or 'safe' but equally, not a life stopping catastrophe).
I guess it's worrying that these thoughts about taking drugs again even crossed my mind, but this is part of my progress: Learning to be honest about these feelings and then finding a sensible solution.
Wow. Pragmatism. Have I really become so "normal"?
