Here at work, 23:30, someone just drove up to the gate, waited for ages, then got out of their car, started dancing around in the rain, singing a bit, then got in the car and drove off again. It was like they were waiting to see if anyone was here and would they react to this behaviour. The answer: No. I'll stay dry, safe and warm indoors, while getting some clear footage of your mug on CCTV! Thanks all the same. I wonder if they'll be back.
I started here on 4th May 2010. So I've been doing this 4 nights on / 4 nights off rota for a month. Yet, every 2nd night I'm on, I feel incredibly bummed and frustrated with all of it. I don't know why, I guess it could be a tiredness thing, or something to do with re-adjusting back into the swing of it. Without fail, I just end up feeling depressed.
Tonight I toyed with the idea of moving away from Belfast. The feeling of being free to explore a new place, instead of feeling stuck in a rut. This new job has been a great improvement over my last one, but this really isn't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life!
How much longer am I going to let myself do what I don't want to?
How do I get myself into the position where I am free to do what I want?
Could I just take off, abandon this place, wing it in a new country and maybe things would just fall into place?
I could try and get a job in another country. Any job. Any country. Just to get out of here. Just because I want the change so badly.
But then what?
A new place, but another shit job, no friends...
If I was to get a job, then a place to stay, THEN I could bring all my shit over there. All my guitars, my music gear. A new place...
But would anything be different?
Would I then "let myself" do all these things I want to do now?
Or would I just make excuses about having no time and realise nothing had changed at all?
... It's possible it would be a massive failure...
But then again, there's only one way to find out!
This is all exciting stuff, but let's rewind here, there are still 3 small things to sort out:
1. Where am I going?
2. What am I going to do when I get there?
3. Where will I stay?
Maybe I just need a holiday.
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I can completely relate to the stir crazy feeling you describe. I remember I used to feel like that all the time growing up in a place where it was basically very parochial. people loved to gossip. I could never understand why people liked gossiping so much. personally, I never got much pleasure out of it. I was far too busy trying to have an interesting life myself. perhaps because I was drinking alcoholicly, it was the wrong kind of interesting, but it still managed to attract some attention, and I resented other peoples curiosity about my life. I wanted them to go and get their own life, instead of concerning themselves about mine.
ReplyDeleteI live in an area where it's considered deeply unfashionable to be nosey, but strangely the same issues exist, but just in a different form. there are people with mental health issues who are nosey but present no real threat. so what I'm saying I suppose is that wherever you go, there is always some sort of manifestation of the problem. having said that I have no idea how I would feel if I were to to return to the type of place I grew up in.
its swings and roundabout's. you gain some things, you lose others.
There are some very charming things about Belfast, and there are also some incredibly depressing things about Belfast. banter and familiarity of people generally is very refreshing.
moving can be very stressful. starting a new job can be very stressful. trying to grasp unfamiliar cultural attitudes can be very baffling. people vary massively between different locales. unfortunately there are still Posh English types in the south of England that believe it is their right to speak to others who do not sound posh, or didn't go to Cambridge as though they are second-class citizens. I'm sure Belfast has its fair share of snobs too, but it can seem more noticeable in England. you and I know that Irish people are not inferior, but unfortunately there are still some pitiful attitudes around. I think that Irish people have a lot to offer, and can often be very talented, if a tiny bit rebellious :) so I have great faith in their ability. their heart tends to be in the right place, which is more than I can say for a lot of other people. Irish people take this for granted, but there is not nearly enough of this commodity in my opinion.
this might sound a bit strange, but I find tarot quite useful when I can't see the wood for the trees. it offers me a 2nd opinion. the proviso is that one's motive in asking should be good, as opposed 2 manipulative or exploitative. i.e. selfish. motive is everything. that's what I would recommend should you decide to use it. provided you ask honestly in an open hearted way, I believe you will get valuable feedback about your overview. if it's confusing don't worry. I find the answers are usually correct, even when they don't make any sense at the time.
sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all until years later when you have the benefit of hindsight. I think of it as a conversation. anyway I just thought I would mention it, in case you find it useful. feel free to not use it if you prefer. my experience is that it is perfectly safe provided once motive is to try and do the right thing. a spirit of generosity rather than a selfish exploitative motive. I would always recommend when using it to be as respectful as possible. just in case. always better to err on the side of caution when dealing with things you cannot actually see. The Haindl deck is very good.
http://www.facade.com/tarot/haindl/
anyway thanks for your posts. I enjoy reading them. I like the random ordinariness of the things you observe. like great observational comedy, sometimes the most ordinary things are the best material.
anyway, I'd better be of. apologies for the long comment. blame the voice activation software :)
hi there, I'm only reading this now. Not sure how I missed it.
ReplyDeleteI lot has happened since I wrote that, well it feels like a lot has happened, when in fact, all that has happened is that I've been off work a few days. I don't feel jumping ship from Belfast in the mindless spontaneous way I did when I was 21, is the way to go. It would be fun, but it would mean I would lose all the good things I have here.
I am convinced some travel and some changes in my life would put me in a much better place.
Re: Tarot cards. I'm completely atheist and quite passionately so, however I have friends who read horoscopes, tarot cards and things like the I-Ching. The interesting thing is that while they use these things to help them find answers about their future and maybe help look inside themselves, some of them have completely opposing views on issues of spirituality and religion etc.
The point is, I think these things, like any simple random suggestions, based in words or imagery, can allow us to question areas of our lives that otherwise, we might have ignored. So while I wouldn't use Tarot cards believing in any kind of "magical" quality they have (I think that is nonsense) I might use them, because the symbolism, imagery, general meanings might help trigger some new ideas in my thinking.
Another (non-mystical / non-spiritual) set of cards that interest me are the Oblique Strategies by Brian Eno / Peter Schmidt. http://www.rtqe.net/ObliqueStrategies/
Anyway, I hope I haven't offended you by stating my feelings about spiritual / supernatural matters and thanks for writing so much. Long comments are great! :)