Day 30

In the last week or so I've thought about drinking a couple of times. I've had a tiny niggling feeling that I'm missing out on some of the banter and parties will never be the same again.

On the other hand, I've had some really nice times hanging out with friends recently and have enjoyed those situations much more than any number of piss-ups. Simply because I'm no longer a drunken mess yammering nonsense into people's earholes and when I reflect upon these things afterwards I don't feel that ache of guilt that I was being an ass, saying things I shouldn't have or that I was acting like a totally different person.

My will is strong and I know I won't fail, but I have a dark premonition of how I will try to sabotage my progress. These last 4 weeks have been a great period of growing clarity, like opening my eyes slowly, or waking up out of a light sleep, but in 2 or 3 months time I will take all this clarity and positivity for granted and my head will be saying things like, "there's no need to stay sober anymore, you're better now, you're happier" or "look at all the fun you're missing out on, don't you think you've sacrificed the 'good times' enough?"

Though even as I type that I find it hard to believe those thoughts will get much attention.
That's why this blog is important to me. It's important to keep a check on these things: a form of self-counselling. It's important that I do this challenge in steps, stop to reflect regularly and keep myself aware of the internal processes that are going on that might be trying to help or hinder me.

In other news, tonight was so much fucking great fun!
Hexxed band practice: Excellent riffage and lots of mental jams. Then home for food, then meeting up with Rachel, Paul and Caroline. Then Pizza! Then lip synching, choreography and Ronan Keating... I shall say no more.