- After arguing with a lady at the bank who wouldn't deposit his money into his account and insisted he use a machine, until she finally accepted it wasn't going to accept his money.
- As he climbed into bed around 10pm, somehow worn out after only being up for 9 or 10 hours.
"I'll do it all again tomorrow" Martin whispers before falling asleep.
I'm not sure if I have the beginnings of a cold or something, but I'm feeling quite tired and cold. I felt this way yesterday after dinner. Maybe my system is a bit run down, due to "stress" or something?
I'm not sick, just a bit tired and ... maybe a bit emotionally tender?
Meh...
On the plus side:
Handed in an application form for a job I REALLY REALLY REALLY want, so wish me luck!
Applied for a few other jobs too so I'm making an effort.
Signed on (as mentioned above) just in case.
And for the most part being mature and sensible about all this, even though there is still a lot of bitterness under the surface: I feel it was unfair dismissal really, but more than that, I feel they were, essentially, a pack of total wankers really. So fuck it. Twatterings. I do not need such twattery in my life.
I visited my parents on Saturday there and was reminded of the joys of West Belfast: In a fish & chip shop a girl, couldn't be any more than 15, wearing a blue tracksuit, gold chain starts telling her friend behind the counter (and thus the whole shop) that: "They've taken my baby off me again. That's another 12 weeks I'm nat ganna have her! I don't know what I'm ganna do. I'm ganna be even warse nay!" And her friend behind the counter agrees: "That's the thing, if they take your child off ye, yer ganna act up aren't ye leek?"
Hmm. Perhaps and maybe, I'm overstepping the line here, but you know, perhaps, having your child taken off you by social services is the very real and hard hitting message that you need to open up your eyes and fucking look at? Perhaps it is the very fact that this is happening to you, that should make you take a step back and think about the circumstances that have brought you here and what you can do to prevent this from happening again...
Christ I feel like Jeremy fucking Kyle. But maybe that's what she's herself as: Just some Jeremy Kyle future participant, explaining how hard it is and like, you know, I should be givin' help or sumfin'?
Shudder.
What a place worth fighting for eh? What charm and fucking pride one should have in their heritage and their community, wah?
"Sure we're nat all like that" No, it's not your fault. It's your parents. They fuck you up, as Larkin rightly said.
But bringing a little bundle of joy into the World, only for it to be discarded and neglected and left to face the future on it's own, while it's mum and dad couldn't care fucking less how this child feels to be rejected and to be left to fend for itself in a World it doesn't yet understand: I can't empathise with that.
And I can't help thinking about the hundreds of people brought up in these circumstances. It doesn't excuse the life of crime that normally follows, or the unwillingness to try and be educated or the total abandon and hedonism that these kids grow up in, because some people understand that to get out of a bad situation they have to approach it differently. Some people realise that just copying what everyone else does leads to the same pointless result, so they find another way.
The people who try to sabotage, bully, discourage or get in that person's way - that person who tries to get out of the crap upbringing inflicted on them: That person who truly wants to better themselves - those are the real villains. They deserve no pity or forgiveness. Though perhaps they deserve no retribution either, because their crime is their punishment: A life of never really knowing what better things exist.
Maybe I'm being a bit harsh again?
- "Well I'm a truth addict,
Oh shit I got a head rush"
Fuck it. I don't know. I don't really care. I just prefer not to be around those people and that part of the world. I don't see much to be proud of. I don't see much reason to stay there. Does that mean I'm just making a choice to bury my head in the sand over something that really effects me emotionally?
I guess teenage mum's aren't the only one avoiding the flan of harsh shite.
In other more upbeat and happy fun times news!!!
... umm... I've forgotten now. Clearly some stuff on my chest there. Hmm, of course you're all very welcome to get your psychology hats on and postulate:
Hmm maybe Martin is the one feeling neglected and these feelings stem back to his own childhood. Maybe Martin finds that his parents have never been able to give him an underlying sense of self belief or worth and he struggles with self motivation and self achievement. Maybe Martin seeks out this need for emotional and moral support in others?
Hmm maybe Martin should stop writing this shite and get back to finding a job.
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