Day 303

303 days sober... That calls for an Acid tinged celebration... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc3a-eWTEfs

I'm being very bad today, I'm up at the studio writing the massive introspective essay that is to follow, procrastinating when I should be getting on with actual music making activities. In my defense (and it's a pretty weak one, as they always are) ... it's Sunday! Besides, Niall and I were DJing at a very hedonistic party recently and frankly, drink or drugs weren't even relevant: After a primordial exorcism like that, your abilty to identify with the "normal" world has been altered. Needless to say, quite a few people at that party displayed behaviour that I found quite terrifying: Human beings becoming zombie-like creatures, staggering about, practically drooling on themselves, celebrating the apocolypse!

It makes sense to me that humans need to do this to themselves. It is part self-flagellation; endurance, like sport. Part of it is socialisation and it fills that need for humans to express deeper emotions to others around them. We need to feel we are not alone in this world, yet so much in our daily lives closes us off, divides us, boxes us up. So much of our awareness of the World is brought to us as bad news, as propaganda, as cynical marketing. We are still animals, we need to give into our primal urges sometimes, and that includes very loud, public displays of our inner turmoil, as well as the usual sexual needs and all the peacock displays and ritual dances tied into them.

I imagine thousands of years ago humans danced around fires and had totems made to imaginary Gods or spirits of the sky, or Earth, or whatever: these ritualistic gatherings would have many functions for tribes. I imagine that concerts and big parties and raves, work in much the same way today.

We are indeed, fucked up animals.

The studio is going rather well. Niall and I have begun making tunes! We've been setting up gear and getting into a comfortable creative flow in there.

Gemma, my (soon to be ex) flatmate has just moved out of the house. So a room at chez Chadwick is up for grabs. Very sad to see her go, we had some great times and she's altogether very lovely, but she's going to be doing well for herself in Dublin, which is awesome!

I am going to Electric Picnic next weekend. Ye ha!! ... and so on. I'll be staying in Dublin a couple of days before and then heading up to ol' Mully (Sligo, where my parents have a bungalow) for a couple of days after the festival. Proper good times, innit?

Hexxed have some gigs lined up and some promo schtuff shall been happening, combined with a few not-so-great / mixed reviews. Basically, for the most part, people hate my vocals on the Hexxed album, which has been a little hurtful. I've never received "serious" criticism for my vocals before, so it's a new experience for me.

I don't want to dwell on it. The future is looking good for Hexxed, as far as I can see. My voice has changed quite considerably since those recording sessions anyway (this is what happens when you spend 4 hours, every week for a year, screaming your lungs out) and the band has moved on quite a bit too.

Aye, so... Nearing the end of this year of sobriety and how do I feel?

Well, I guess I'm doing fine (as old Beck would say).

I've just re-read this blog entry, which was written about 3 months into this thing and it lists many positive things that came with not drinking. These things still stand: I'm probably more active with music related stuff, more organised, clearer and less depressed or paranoid.

On the other hand, there's a not-so-peachy side to things: Maybe I'm taking the benefits for granted, or maybe I've changed recently, or maybe I'm just going through a bit of a bad patch, but I think socialising hasn't really become easier for me. If anything it's harder. I put alot of this down to my recent job: I work nights and don't see people. My rota means my days off are odd and I spend my time off trying to focus on music stuff and I tend to miss all these cool sounding gigs and get-togethers that I get invited to.

I think a part of me has become quite misanthropic to some human beings and I don't like that in myself: it's kinda pathetic and I'd prefer to believe that I've grown out of all that sour faced angst and huffiness. Though when I look into this, I think it's mostly tied up with my job: My unsociable hours and missing out on the social activities that have made me much happier of late.

Hmmm. It's just a phase, I'm almost certain of it.

I'm hoping to change my job and even move away from Belfast very soon, so perhaps while I'm clinging on to that hope - for big changes in my future - I'm a bit up and down.

I miss my friends, some have moved away and some I just haven't been able to see in ages. I hate the thought that much of the positive effects of staying sober for nearly a year are being hindered by a simple lack of interaction with folk.

On the plus side, at least I've been able to write about all this and so therefore get a reasonable grasp on it, instead of crumbling into a pile of anti-social bitterness.

And on another note... I'm away to Electric Picnic next weekend, tay fawk leek!! Wa? Yeeeeeoooooo!!!!!!!!