ADDICTION

A few years ago I badly wanted a copy of Trainspotting, the debut novel that made Irvine Welsh a massive literary star, of course in no small part to the iconic generation-defining movie based on the book.

I’d seen the film quite a few times and loved it. I bought the soundtrack on CD and played it until it wouldn’t anymore. So to me, absorbing the book was the last stage in completing the Trainspotting enterprise. The problem was that I am a cheapskate and I barely read. So I was only ready to read the book if either someone was willing to give me a copy, lend it to me or if I found it in a cheap second hand bookshop.

While the best second hand bookshop in Belfast had many slightly ruffled copies of Irvine Welsh’s novels (Porno, Filth, Ecstasy) I could never find Trainspotting. Perhaps it’s one that people like to hold on to? But then I ventured into the shop and had two surprises. The first was based on a book I had just ordered on Amazon for a total of £4.09: Allen Carr’s Easyway To Stop Smoking. A bargain I thought. I bought this book because while I had a copy in the house, had completed it and had given up smoking already, I had two friends who wanted to borrow it at the same time. I had placed my online order for the book and swiftly discovered around seven copies of the Easyway book in the second hand bookshop, each priced £2. Seven copies! And that was without even trying to find them.

The second surprise was seeing around the same number of copies of Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting and joy was returned to me to discover another bargain: £2. For someone who doesn’t read a lot of books, I do love that wee bookshop!

I’m now about halfway through it. The most obvious things all to come mind, so I don’t want to spend too much time saying them all again (reading Scottish slang takes a little while to get used to, the book makes the film seem like a Disney movie etc.) but I was quite intrigued when I read the chapter where Mark Renton reflects, quite astutely, on the psychology of what might lead to a life of petty crime and Heroin addiction.

To me addiction is a process and while there is a minefield of clichés I could utter on the subject and I’m sure many characters in Trainspotting would despise me for probing it, the process of addiction is the same no matter what your drug of choice.

When I hear smokers say things like, “I’ll probably give it up soon” or “I’ll try to quit one of these days” I feel a mixture of humour and frustration. I don’t believe them for a second and it is obvious people make these statements without really thinking about what they’re saying. ‘I’ll probably give it up soon’ implies no genuine certainty or assertiveness about quitting; it’s the constant mantra of the guilty smoker: “Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or next week etc” (which translates to them telling you: Just get off my back, OK?)

I feel the same frustration and slight amusement (and pity) when I see smokers who say, “I’m not addicted, I can quit when I want” as they light up and join in on the ‘social’ smoking with friends in the outside smoking area of a bar.

These delusional statements are exactly the same with any other addiction and I know I’ve heard myself say similar things when I was addicted to smoking cannabis everyday, all those years ago. “I’ll quit for three months, just to prove to myself I can, then I’ll know that I can control it.” And when I failed to reach that three month mark?

“Well I managed to stay off it for a few weeks and I feel a lot better now, so that’s OK”.

But the fact is, these are the words of an addict in total denial of their addiction.

I have often thought how hard it must be for counsellors, social workers, psychologists, carers, parents, friends and families who try to help someone deal with their addiction. How emotionally exhausting it must be to see someone destroy themselves, sometimes without even realising they’re doing it. Either oblivious to how serious their problem is and finding the concerns of others totally unwarranted, or so far gone that they simply refuse to acknowledge how much damage they’re causing.

However, I finally came to my conclusion a while ago, after witnessing a couple of close friends fall into drugs or alcohol abuse.

At the end of the day, it is their life. And while that initially may seem insensitive, it isn’t. For an addict goes through many stages of their addiction and throughout these stages you may try to help, intervene, scare them, support them etc. and you’ll pull your hair out and wear yourself down emotionally for absolutely nothing. Because there is only one point in the addiction process where an addict is going to acknowledge any of these expressions of concern or hands of help being reached out to them and that is when the addict finally accepts the full extent of what his addiction is.

It’s when the addict stops living in denial of his problem.

One day, about eleven years ago, I woke up and I made a decision, “I have to quit taking this drug as it’s having obvious negative effects on my life!” Clearly at that time certain things in my life had been so bad that I came to this decision. Perhaps other people advised me, perhaps I simply felt depressed and lethargic all the time. Whatever the circumstances I knew that my addiction to cannabis had gotten so bad that I needed to stop and reflect on my usage.

At that point I tried to make a realistic goal for myself, “If I can quit for three months, I’ll have proven to myself I can control my usage of this drug, instead of letting it control me”. However, pretty soon I was overwhelmed with this idea that I’d done ‘enough’ to prove to myself I was in control and so this original goal I made for myself was now selectively wiped out of my own memory.

So to summarise, I had a plan: I would convince myself I was in control of this addiction by staying off this drug for 3 months

I had a result: Failure after less than 2 months.

And so the outcome: I unequivocally proved to myself that I was NOT in control of my addiction at all.

Cue several more months of drug abuse. Of course every addict has excuses and their particular experience is unique and complex, but it's one of the most frustrating things to see someone you care about caught in that spiral of addiction (at whatever point), you can so clearly see their future and yet feel unable to do anything about it. Especially if you've already been through it yourself.