Day 276

So it's been a wee while. Aye.

I'm still sober. Been out a few times, hanging with drinkers and smokers and I must say, at times it's been a challenge. I hate being one of those non-smokers that Bill Hicks hated so much, but it does get annoying having your air filled with the minging fumes of other people's cigarettes, especially when you've made the effort to sit outside in the evening, hoping to soak up some cool, fresh, summer breeze. Aside from that, watching the social lubricating effects alcohol has on people, especially new people I'd like to get to know, as well as new people I'm getting to know, feels a little frustrating at times.

It doesn't, however, make me want to drink again. In fact, I'm more resolute than ever, that after my year of sobriety, I'm going to continue abstaining. It just gets me into wondering about alcohol and socialising and how much of the human race relies on being, in some way "removed" from their normal state of mind, to be able to function around other people for longer periods of time.

Maybe it's a type of transference on my part, but do people find it hard to tolerate each other, or tolerate large social gatherings for extended periods of time (over 4 or 5 hours)? Is it a quality of humanity, that we are actually alot more misanthropic than we care to admit to ourselves?

Or perhaps it's a cultural thing. In many western / European countries, where 'social drinking' is very popular, perhaps there are also other social conditioning factors that ultimately lead us (whether directly or indirectly) to needing booze in order to be around others.

As I say, this may well be my own baggage coming through here and not a phenomenon that has been studied or recognised.

A very important revelation occurred for me recently, after having been exposed to medium sized groups of people socialising and drinking. I've now realised that my social insecurities, paranoia, misanthropy, cynicism, depression, whatever you want to call it, stems from how I feel about myself and how I let myself respond to these feelings.

This should be fairly obvious and something I've addressed before, except, all the "addressing" and discussion of these obvious facts does not make them disappear when it comes to real interactions with people.

Change in mentality comes from experience and this is the positive aspect of what I have learnt very recently: Being comfortable with who I am and being around people who accept me, immediately breaks down all the negative barriers put up, which then take on all sorts of complicated and miserable forms of justification (paranoia: "they don't like me", low self-esteem: "I'm not good enough to be here", internal reactions against these feelings: "I can't be bothered with these people", "these people aren't good enough for me" etc.)

Again, this isn't some mind-blowing revelation, the only difference is that in very recent times, I've actually believed that I have been accepted by those around me and felt comfortable in myself.

So I think from this we have to ask: How do make ourselves believe that we are accepted, or how do we accept ourselves? And how do we make ourselves feel comfortable in any given social situation? How do we allow ourselves to behave how we want and not feel that there will be some sort of punishment / judgement for this behaviour?

Well, I think I've maybe went quite deep with all this for now, so perhaps I'll leave it there, but needless to say, it's obvious that the above definitely is very specific to me and maybe not something a lot of people are going to be able to relate to. I'd love to hear from anyone reading that would have opinions to share (as always).

So ... CHANGING THE CHANNEL...

In other news, been in London recently and had a lovely time, went to the Saatchi Gallery which was very enjoyable, also had a very nice picnic with new and interesting people.

Meanwhile I got myself a studio space sorted out, up in Dunmurray.

Here's a wee snap:

It's a great place with some cool people and I'm looking forward to spending more time there, with all my gear, which is already set up in one of the rooms. I've been lucky to have a pretty decent sized room that fits all my guitars, speakers, effects, racks etc. and Niall's electronic drum kit, which I'm hoping to practice on. Niall and I plan to get some tunes of the electronic variety on the go too.

I'm very pleased with this spot for sure. I'm hoping this will get my creative frame of mind in some new places.

Meanwhile Hexxed are playing the Limelight, this Wednesday, supporting Katatonia (swedish moody metal band) along with Stand-Up Guy. Having been away in England so much recently, I feel it's been ages since I've seen the Hexxed guys, (it's about 2 weeks) but I know this gig is going to be class. We've a lovely, short, punchy set for it, with stuff from the new album.

Oh and I got my hair cut. Yay!

Well that's all for now. Phew!

Byeeeeeeeeeee