SOBER FOR A YEAR

Long time no see!

2011-04-19T18:35:00.005+01:00

So I haven't posted in here in a while, eh?

January 11th. Ach, well only 3 and a bit months of totally avoiding this site and the SFAY mission.

Well, probably needless to say: I failed SFAY - PART 2. Massively!

I went to Brighton, mid-January and I planned to let myself drink a little, as I wanted to let my hair down.

The plan was to begin Sober For A Year - Part 2, when I got back from Brighton. But that never really materialised. Instead I just decided I'd moderate myself more, while I spent my time dedicated to the Song A Day For A Year project, which is still trucking along nicely. - I have 108 songs so far!

Have a listen PLUG!!! http://sadfay.bandcamp.com

All completely original. Most of them quite different from each other, in terms of style and music "genre" (or idiom). I've been enjoying this project, intensely. I've been collaborating with some very cool musicians with it too. Some of these songs are the best music I've ever made and that surprises me, because I never thought I could create such satisfying pieces of music in one day.

So I have been "SORT OF" reserved in my drinking in the last few months, but recently drinking has happened: Wed, Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon

Hmmm...

Am I slipping into a dodgy routine again?

Do I care?

I start a new job in May, so perhaps I'm trying to enjoy myself now, knowing this is going to be the only chance, as I won't be able to book holidays over the summer when this job begins.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm getting into a bad routine with drink again. Maybe it's not that big a deal. Maybe I do drink quite a bit, but maybe I've been able to balance that, reasonably well.

Or maybe, I'm writing all this because I am quite concerned with how much I've let myself go recently. It's a tough call. Or is it an easy call and I'm in denial?

Hmmm

Maybe it requires, a sensible, mature head and this is where MODERATION is supposed to kick in: OK, too much recently, get away from it for a couple of weeks, or just drink much, much, less if I am going out.

SOBER FOR A YEAR PART II - DAY 11

2011-01-11T16:41:00.005Z

Hmm feeling a bit frustrated at the moment.

Quitting the cigarettes is probably what's causing it. I can get a handle on it and it begins to lose it's grip, once I realise that's where the source of stress is coming from, but I've had a couple of TENSE moments the last few days.

So Day 11 into Song A Day For A Year. I woke up today at 2pm. D'oh. My sleeping cycle has been out of whack for a couple of weeks now, staying up to around 5am every night. It's probably because I don't have a "normal" job, with "normal" hours. Hopefully one is in the bag, I start training 24th January.

Yesterday's SADFAY song was done and dusted by 9pm, which was a first. Usually I start around dinner time (as will be the case today) and around 10:30pm I start really stressing out to get it finished. Finishing earlier last night and being able to go out afterwards was great!

So I'm in my bedroom, house is fucking freezing as usual, so I've got my heater on all the time. I'm doing the same routine: getting up, switching the heater on and off every 30 minutes or so, getting back into bed, getting ready to settle into creating a new song, at some point food.

It sounds like a pretty easy life, but it's getting a bit "Cabin Fever-ish". ... Too many hours on my own, in the same room, not getting enough vitamin D.

Why does it feel like such a chore today?

It's a validation thing I guess. I am thinking about "fans" and followers a lot. I'm spending a reasonable amount of time emailing and friending and spamming people online. But why is it so hard to get started on the song today in particular?

As you can see from this blog update, I am in procrastination mode (you are currently reading the second draft / edit of this entry).

With the last few days of SADFAY I've been busy with the song writing and that been enough, but I guess every now and then I think, "Why am I doing this?" Sitting here, alone in my bedroom, feeling cut off from the world, later I might venture as far as the Tescos up the street to buy dinner and that'll be the height of my interaction with reality. What is this really doing for me?

Well of course the answer is: The music!

I'm just being a whingey little spoilt brat actually. That's all it is: My work : reward, ratio has always been skewed. I've just always been that way, expecting a big return for the least amount of input and I lose interest quickly if I don't keep getting validation and support.

I think spending all this time on my own is making me more anxious about that stuff though: It's making me more needy and more desperate for validation. It's all a bit ugly really.

I still think some "structure" to my days (in the form of a job or some sort of exercise) would be healthy. Waking up at 2pm (then faffing about on line until 6pm) is not good.

As for being needy: It's not that I want people to say "oh you're so amazing", because I know I am. *SMUG GRIN... Seriously though, I do have some faith in my abilities, so it's not just being told "oh wow, you're so clever" although that is, of course, very nice.

This music-malarky, well it's my life. Does that need to imply it's like being condemned to a life of being a loner in my studio all day by myself, being secluded from all the exciting, colourful things happening in the world? Of course serious artists very often are "loners" a lot of the time. That's OK to an extent, but I believe music is supposed to be shared and celebrated with other people. I like that music brings people together. I like that enjoying art is a social activity, whether that be music, film, painting etc.

Perhaps I have delusions of grandeur, for how I want SADFAY to pan out? Maybe expecting everyone to take an interest in it is naive. I think people are so afraid to enter into a discussion about music, because they worry that it will get personal and feelings will be hurt. It's a shame that this will stifle any debate, discussion or criticism of music at all though.

However, maybe Song A Day For A Year would be much better as a private exercise. Instead of trying to gain attention for it on line, which is more of a distraction, the project should be for me and my own development as an artist.

I've already thought about issues of copyright. How should I present this work? Should I keep giving it all away for free? But I value these pieces of music. I've invested a lot of time and effort into them. One solution is to give people sample clips and maybe the odd teaser track and let them buy a collection of the songs, every so many days. (probably every month). Essentially this will create 12 albums that people could buy. That is the side of things that I could use some help with: Marketing. Promotion. Management. It'd be so awesome to have 1 or 2 people who could say "We think what you're doing is definitely worthy, so we're going to offer our services and work towards taking this work to more people" ... For a fee / percentage of course...

I need to get out and get involved in whatever sort of community exists for us muso-types here. I know there are people out there who feel the same way. Maybe I should form some sort of Musicians Anonymous?

SOBER FOR A YEAR PART II - DAY 4 - KYLIE ON THE RADIO AT IKEA...

2011-01-04T23:19:00.003Z

Just going through the videos on my mobile phone. I found this from back in June 2010 when I was working as a night guard at IKEA. Good times.

SOBER FOR A YEAR PART II - DAY 4

2011-01-04T01:03:00.003Z

Sunday, the nicotine pangs: I have never wanted a cigarette so much in my life!

I still haven't got round to digging out and re-reading that Easyway book, which has helped me quit before. And after reading it, I never had ANY "withdrawl pangs", I just brushed them off with the smug satisfaction that I had now become a non-smoker.

Well on Sunday I would have cracked like Rice Crispies had I been anywhere near any tobacco product.

Today I didn't have any cravings at all. I forgot all about it. I was reminded of smoking when I was hacking up all the gooey green garbage in my chest and I was reminded of smoking this evening after finishing all my work on Day 3 of Song A Day For A Year, but I didn't want a cigarette at all. Perhaps Sunday was the worst of it?

I'll solidify that notion all the more by finding and reading the Easyway book again. But I'll dig it out in the morning, don't want to make a racket moving boxes about at this time of night.

In other news...

Sobriety goes well so far. SADFAY has kept me quite busy and feels pretty satisfying: so sobriety + creativity = good times. Now, if only I could find a way to make a living out of this...

SOBER FOR A YEAR PART II - DAY 1

2011-01-01T23:05:00.003Z

OK. It's 1st January, 2011. I am now off fegs and booze again, for another year!

New Year's Eve was fun. Lots of wine, silly dancing and good banter to see in the new year. I treated myself to a nice Frappe on the way back from the party today and eventually got round to doing my first "Song A Day For A Year" entry... Check it out!

That's about the height of things at the moment.

Here's to sobriety and getting shit done in 2011... *sips tea*

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2010-12-18T04:05:00.009Z

I hope you all have a fabulous festive day of consumption and joy-ness-ness.

It's now stopped snowing in Belfast, but the frozen ice and freezing temperatures are still a bit daunting. Hopefully this festive blog update can help cheer you all up before you embark on any treacherous journeys!

Photo taken from the Eiffel Tower, Paris (nabbed from Crap Graffiti)

Missing a ball! (photo by Ryan O'Reilly)

Lovin' the cock! (by Sean Flanigan)

And ...

But ...

So...

Finally.

The icing on the cock (see what I did there?) has got to be this...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!

^_^

AFTER / NO LONGER Sober For A Year - Day 48

2010-12-17T17:53:00.004Z

Walking home in the snow last night was really good fun! I love how the snow brings out this excitement and playfulness in people. The sense of camaraderie. We're all in it together! Collectively spurted on from the frothy bosom of Mother Nature.

Watching a serious snowball fight break out among about 20 people in the outside parlour of a crowded pub was exciting. At first it was intimidating, but it was easy enough to find cover.

I guess one of the benefits of sport and games is it can allow people to channel the normal tensions that they walk around with - all that potential for actual harm or violence towards others - into something much less dangerous or hurtful. It gives them an outlet for energy that, when not used, might become negative energy perhaps.

Anyway, the point was, it was a great thing to see, because of the sheer ruthless rebellion and childish carefree joy of it.

Why does that kind of anarchy appeal to me so much?

What is it about breaking the rules and watching people collectively disrespect authority and property that gets me so excited?

AFTER / NO LONGER Sober For A Year - Day 46

2010-12-15T15:03:00.002Z

As well as being Sober For A Year from 1st January 2011, I will also be doing this:

http://songadayforayear.blogspot.com/

I think this is going to be challenging and difficult at times, but I feel it will be a great way to keep me busy with my musical output and it'll be a great way of building up a collection of work, that while it might not be "the best" music I can make, it'll certainly be a chance to try out new ideas, work through some specific musical techniques or approaches, focus the way I work and focus me to work towards deadlines.

Already I have a few ideas in my head of how I can approach this. I am thinking on certain days I'll want to set aside many hours to one piece, so that I have something quite well established and of a better quality than, say, just banging out a few riffs. However, there will be days when I won't have as much time or access to my equipment and on those days I'll probably focus on creating something short and simple within a shorter time frame.

This will lead to a nice variety of pieces: Some long, some short. Some simple, some complex etc.

I also want to make the most of collaborating with other people. Bringing in friends to bounce ideas of and work towards something would be extremely fun and might lead to some really interesting results.

With 365 songs, there is plenty of scope for there to be themes and genres for specific weeks (or even months). I could say, "March is going to be HEAVY METAL INDUSTRIAL HELL month" or, "January week 2 is going to be all about strings and harmony" or, "This week I'm going to be writing songs with my friend Bob". There is plenty of scope!

AFTER / NO LONGER Sober For A Year - Day 45

2010-12-14T14:25:00.002Z

So after last Wednesday's post-QUBe gig session, I was wondering how I would handle the weekend. Well, Friday night I had a few glasses of wine. Nothing too heavy, maybe a bottle of red.

Then home to bed.

Saturday however, I had a lot more wine and then later some whiskey.

Surprisingly for me, I woke up on Sunday with quite a sore head. I hardly ever get physical hangovers! I spent the day feeling kind of drunk: Every time I got up, I felt I was going to bump into things. Be the evening I was OK though. I made a TO DO list for Monday. I set my alarm and then woke up at 8:45am!!

Wow! That's the earliest I've been awake in a long time!

I did my "Morning Pages" for the first time in about a year. I updated the TO DO list with other stuff I would need to do this week. Things were looking good, but then....

Well then, I let myself get sidetracked by pointless internet shite and I stayed in bed where it is nice and warm, because my bedroom is always freezing, no matter how long I leave the heat on! (One of my errands for this week is to go buy a small electric heater for my room, the radiator is just not cutting it).

Today I got up at 11am (not surprising, I was awake until about 4:30) and I've done very little. Had breakfast. Checked emails. Posted more faff and blah online. I'm going to leave the house very soon to pick up my electric heater, then hopefully later head out for more Christmas festivities.

Anyway. In other news-y-news-y-Knee-use-y-Noos....

I have decided, I am giving up booze completely in the New Year. *GASP!*

Moderation isn't going to work with me and it'll only mean I'll be miserable on those times when I do go out with people. Best to cut it out completely and focus on just enjoying other aspects of socialising.

This is the best way forward.

So from 01.01.11 I will begin SOBER FOR A YEAR PART II!

I need a good corny "tagline". Suggestions please.

SOBER FOR A YEAR - PART II - The rounds are on me... (with an image of someone unloading bullets into a bar or something?)

SOBER FOR A YEAR - PART II - The Teetotaller Strikes Back...

SOBER FOR A YEAR - PART II - What most people call Beer, he calls Blackcurrant.

Yea, as you can see, my wit has possibly been blunted a wee bit by my lack of leaving the house to interact with the World properly in the last several weeks. Hmmm

I'm also going to organise myself a bit better in 2011. SOBER FOR A YEAR 1, taught me that I can do a year without drinking or partying. I've proven that to myself now, so PART II it's time to do that, but add some extras: Like managing my time. Making proper plans and sticking to them. All that stuff.

Here's to the future!

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 40

2010-12-09T18:47:00.002Z

Maybe instead of "AFTER Sober For A Year" I should label these posts "NO LONGER Sober For A Year".

Hmmm.

I played with the QUBe last night at SARC, Belfast. It was fun times. I think it went pretty well.

After I had, basically, my weekly allowance of alcohol in one night: 5 or 6 (lost count) pints of Guinness. 1 double vodka and coke. 3 or 4 (...err) shots of.... stuff... and then another double of JD back home. The final tipple was a wee splash of the leftover red.

Aye, so that was the kinda session that I think I can probably do the odd time, but not more than once a week. AND I think if I allow myself to have that kind of session, then it means I need to restrain any other drinking. I suppose 1 or 2 bottles of beer in a chilled social situation on top of last night's fun could be OK, but we'll see.

The weekend will be an interesting test.

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 37

2010-12-07T03:31:00.003Z

Quitting the fags again. Yep, when I started drinking again, I also started smoking again and I was off them even longer than the drink!! I'm an idiot. But I've just smoked my last one.

I had two left in my pack and didn't smoke all day, but I just couldn't leave them sitting there or rip them up. That's me done with the fags now though.

Talked with a few close friends about my "moderation" approach to drinking too. I'm thinking something between 5 and 8 pints a week is the way to go. It means I can let myself have that odd night out, without going wild. And as discussed before, moderation is going to require way more effort than cutting booze out of my life completely. It'll take much more self control and attention to my behaviour. I think this will be a better lesson in the long run: Learning not to just give in when people offer me the chance to imbibe. Learning to say, "No" based on what I feel is right for me, within reasonable self-assigned limits.

Of course, I can choose to do less than 8 pints a week.

On the other hand, I am very fond of sleeping in and letting myself just drift the day(s) after a session. If I let myself have these random pints during the week, will I still get up early and get on with other important things?

I've got to look into that side of things, you know, having the motivation, the ENERGY, the willpower to push through that laziness.

That's really what needs to change more than anything. Exercise! .... Ugh a terrifying word really, but an active lifestyle seems to make most sense: Making the most of my time, so things get done and don't always feel like such a challenge.

Hmmm...

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 36

2010-12-05T17:37:00.002Z

So I was just looking into "Moderation" and got a general bit of information that men can drink around 3 - 4 units of alcohol a day. That amounts to just less than 2 pints of beer or 2 glasses of wine or 2 shots of a spirit.

So 2 pints a day x 7 = 14 pints a week?

That's surprisingly high! Obviously the problem is that I tend to drink around that amount (and sometimes a lot more) over 2 or 3 days, rather than smaller amounts across the week. And then again, looking at my recent intake it's definitely been way over the recommended amount.

The thing is, my problem isn't necessarily the health aspects of drinking, though that is a factor, my problem is how these drinking sessions affect the rest of my life.

So it looks like in the space about 36 days since I quit booze for a year, I've come back around to the same realisations I had back at the end of October 2009:

Drinking is disrupting many other aspects of my life.
It's bloody expensive.
It affects my overall state of mind and attitude to life.

Should I quit again though? That is the question.

Moderation could be interesting: A chance for me to put more control on myself and learn to be mature and discipline myself. To me, that will be a lot more of a challenge than quitting altogether.

However, how do I moderate?

Only allow myself a certain number of drinks a week?

How many? 5 pints a week? 10 units a week? Do I allow "exceptions" for special occasions? Or more to the point, am I going to be able to stop myself from going over on those occasions? Might I just end up hating the fact that I have to hold back and won't it just spoil the evening for me, when parties are in full swing etc?

Of course this all reads like I just don't trust myself to moderate. I've just never done it before.

A few things to consider really. I shall make a decision very soon!

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 30

2010-11-29T01:41:00.004Z

When I lived in London I won a CD called Mas Confusion, which was a compilation CD of various artists making smooth electronica and easy-listening glitchy beats, released by M.A.S Records.

Tonight I was just listening to my favourite track from the album: "Risa" by Lusine Icl (though he is more well known as just Lusine) and I remembered how it was funny that I ended up with the CD.

I was doing my security guard thing for Group 4 and asked to go to this random empty office block in some part of London that I have zero recollection of. When I got there, I put on the radio and left it on the first station I found playing good music. The DJ gave out a number and said to phone in if you wanted to win a copy of this CD. I did and got through to him straight away. The phone didn't even ring, if I remember correctly. So he asked me a bit about myself and got my details and I received the CD a few days later.

The reason I'm recounting all this is because it reminds me how we can attach a meaning to certain music. This album will always remind me of my time living in London, as I remember playing it to people at the SAE while I was doing my Audio Engineering Diploma there too.

And yet, it's kinda just a n0-big-deal collection of relatively unknown electronic producers. I guess that says to me that little things can mean a lot to people. And we don't all have to be fucking MEGA STARS to make an impact on people.

But more than that, this story reminds me how sometimes taking a little notion to try something "new" or a bit silly (making a phone call to a radio station when I just started my shift for example) can lead to interesting results.

I'm also going to get back into doing my "Morning Pages" and finally read Walking In The World by Julia Cameron. I remember when I read The Artist's Way, (a similar book by the same author) it mentioned how the Universe can open for us when we ask for something; How strange co-incidences and opportunities happen when we are open to them. Basically, I'm not really into a lot of this "New Age"-y kinda bullshit, but I definitely got a lot of use out of the Artist's Way and I was very creative and productive while going through it.

But I have to say, remembering that story tonight, while also having decided to start my morning pages again, reminds me what it was like when some of those strange little opportunities came about and lead to interesting new results or experiences. So I think this is a very good decision.

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 23

2010-11-22T17:55:00.003Z

OK so I've been drinking quite a bit since I last blogged. General summary:

Mon 15th : A couple of pints in Lavery's. Followed by a couple of cans of Carlsberg back at mine.

Tues 16th : Bear Nation at the QFT. NO BOOZE!

Wed 17th : QUBe practice, followed by pizza and 1 pint of Guinness at The Parlour. Followed by quite a lot of Guinness and whiskey in Lavery's.

Thur 18th : NO BOOZE! Instead, cheap chinese food and chilling out at home with copious amounts of sweets and DVDs.

Fri 19th : Yummy (cajun spiced chicken fillet) burger and pint of Guinness at Globe. Coffee at Common Grounds, then a few pints of Guinness at Front Page.

Saturday 20th : 6 cans of Carlsberg.

Sunday 21st : Half a bottle of JD! 2 or 3 vodka and cokes!

I'm not really going to try and justify this or make excuses. I'm just keeping a record of it all at this stage. There are going to be a couple of New Year's Resolutions I suspect.

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 17

2010-11-16T22:24:00.005Z

I've just got home after watching "Bear Nation" at the QFT. Part of the Outburst Queer Arts Festival happening in Belfast at the moment.

The film has quite a lot of talking head segments and then footage of a couple of "bear bashes" (mainly one in Chicago, as far as I can tell). The talking head segments are guys who consider themselves bears or have an attraction to bear type guys. These guys seemed to cover a decent range of the different types of people who have found themselves connecting with the bear label and culture.

The film stays in the US for the most part, but there's a short segment of the London bear scene and then we fly back to the states. So Europe and the rest of the world is excluded, (though there is one mention of how the gay scene in Europe influenced the bear scene, but this is never delved into).

Some positive things about this movie:

When discussing "Community", there was a general consensus that it's not necessarily a group that welcomes all shapes and sizes. There are prejudices. There are people who consider themselves the elite. One guy made a very good point about how for him, there wasn't really a need for a "bear community" anymore, as he felt he was part of a generation of young people that are more accepting of gay people, so while he understood the need for this scene to exist, helping many gay men find a place for themselves, he found that his straight friends, both male and female, could all get along, understanding their own diversities and therefore didn't need the segregation.

The other very positive thing (and I know most people won't care) was the fact that the movie had a soundtrack of completely guitar based music! They interviewed Bob Mould from Hüsker Dü and showed some clips from his band: generally punk-y rock stuff. The film soundtrack had some lovely soft folk music in places, some lighter pop punk and some harder edged rock. Not a single cheesy dance beat or naff house track anywhere! EVEN when they showed clips of the London Bear Club, XXL in full swing and interviewed a couple of the DJs there. They didn't use the original audio from that footage, they overdubbed good-old-fashioned-rock and punk music over it.

That made me quite happy.

One thing that didn't make so happy however, was giving even a second of screen time to Mark Ames (who in my humble opinion is a total dick). He made some very bad comments on his Facebook back in June 2010. Clearly not a good spokesperson for .... anyone really.

It bothered me that the film said XXL was responsible for the bear scene in London. That before XXL there was only 1 bar (The Kings Arms). This has some truth in it though: Before XXL there wasn't a big bear club, but there have been bear club nights all over London (and the rest of the UK) for years! But I guess, what more do you expect from someone who works at XXL?

Overall, it was good to see people relate to their experiences discovering they like big guys and how it was like "coming out twice" (once as gay, then again having to explain to people that you find big fat guys attractive!) and it was good that the film dared to reveal the bear world isn't some really positive, welcoming, totally accepting place, because it isn't quite like that. But it's made me realise that while I don't go to bear clubs or have any need to be part of it, I don't have to hold any grudge against it either.

I like big guys, I always have and I realised this when I was about 16 / 17. I, like many (if not everyone) in this film, discovered the term "bear" online and that was really exciting and liberating for me at the time: To know there were not only many other gay men who felt the same way I did, but also that there were enough of them out there for there to be a label for it and events for it!

As I got older (and after I lived in London a while) I found it all to be a bit superficial and dull: I didn't really have anything in common with the bear-type men I met, I really hated that bear nights never offered any alternative to the usual clichéd entertainment of the gay world: Tacky karaoke, or really bad drag acts, or just utterly shit pop and dance music.

I also found The Kings Arms, (a bear bar I frequented regularly, advertised online as being really friendly), to be anything but warm and welcoming! I was treated as an outsider there and ignored, probably because I wasn't a bear (I was a 'chaser' or an 'admirer'), I didn't have a beard, I didn't wear plaid shirts and I wasn't overweight or hairy. I went there often in the hope of meeting new, friendly people, as I was quite lonely in London, but I was snubbed. The film dealt with this through interviewing one particular guy who also didn't have any of the bear physical attributes and he spoke about how hard it was trying to find his place too.

Still, the long and short of it is: I like big hairy guys. I always have and probably always will. So whether or not the club scene suits me doesn't really matter, I still feel some affiliation with the "bear" label, even if only as a way of describing what I find attractive. I am glad the film drew attention to the different aspects of it all in an honest way.

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 16

2010-11-15T16:09:00.003Z

Quite obviously the excesses of the weekend have caught up with me today. In fairness, I only had 3 hours sleep last night, but right now there's a fog over everything.

BAD. BAD. BAD. BAD. BAD.

Things will be OK, I know it. I just need to sleep off this tiredness. Tomorrow I'll be up at the same time (7:30am) and I'll feel more refreshed. More positive. Clearer.

Right now though, I am re-learning that lesson that just seems to slip through my mind, incapable of leaving a permanent dent in my memory: Alcohol is ALWAYS going to do this to me. Excesses like the weekend past are ALWAYS going to leave me feeling this way all through Monday. It's not a hangover. A hangover would be bliss compared to this!

It's a fog between me and hope. It's the constant sinking feeling in my chest; that stone in the throat; that emotional delicacy that can break into pathetic tears in an instant. Always swaying from just-about-coping to just-about-to-completely-breakdown.

I'm no use to anyone in this state.

All I can see is the shite side of the moon.

And I actually feel a sense of wanting to blame someone else for all this, somehow. How naive! As though this wasn't self inflicted. But people told me I'd be OK. Everyone was having a laugh, no one said, "Hey, be careful, come Monday you're going to regret this!" But that's because no one seems to believe that the way my system reacts to this stuff is very different to how they (and the majority of others) react to this stuff.

Yea. But the reality is: I'm a fucking adult and I have to take responsibility for my own well being and my own mental health.

So for now it's dry-your-eyes time, go home, climb into bed and 'chillax'! *Flips black dyed fringe*

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 15

2010-11-14T21:00:00.004Z

So 15 days since I completed Sober For A Year. Let's recap on consumption levels:

Saturday 31st October 2010

1.5 pints of Guinness

Wednesday 3rd November 2010

1 pint of Guinness

Friday 5th November 2010

1 bottle of Tiger Beer at QFT for The Hub gig.
3 pints of Guinness in Lavery's.
0.5 bottle of wine at my house.

Wednesday 10th November 2010

2 pints of Guinness at The Parlour (post QUBe pints)
Bottle of wine at home after

Friday 12th November 2010a

Approx. 4 bottles of Peroni beer
and a couple of swigs of Buckfast up at the Studio
Approx. 4 pints of Guinness at ECKER in McHughs Basement
4 cans of Carlsberg,
1 JD and coke
and a couple of swigs of Pimms (ewww) at house party after ECKER

Saturday 13th November 2010

3 pints of Guinness at Katy Daly's
around 3 cans of Carlsberg and 1 bottle of red wine at party after

I've also put all that into this: http://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tips-and-tools/drink-diary/

Though, I don't feel much the wiser. I know that this is considerably over the "recommended" amount of alcohol "Da'Govimint" says I should consume, so in a way I guess it's hard to call this "moderation"?

Certainly this last Friday night was pretty full on. Partying was a-happy-happenin' for sure. Friday last weekend wasn't quite so bad, but then baring in mind that I had spent a year sober, I was cautious to not overdo it immediately. So from that point of view, it was still a large amount of giving in to temptation.

I guess I'm feeling fine now. I've spent all day being in bed really, but I don't feel any negative, mental aspects.

I've been a little anxious the last few days when thinking to myself, "What have I really learnt from the last year?"

I am worried that I don't really know!

I've learnt that I can choose to stay off drink if I want to, but, well I don't want to, anymore. I guess.

But not so long ago I was planning on NEVER drinking again. Yet, within hours of completing the Sober For A Year challenge I'd a pint of Guinness. It says to me that being honest with myself about these things, is still an issue: I've always lied to myself in the past about my relationship with drink, "Oh, I don't drink that much. I have control of it. I can moderate", when blatantly I rarely had any control over myself whenever I went out to drink with people. Moderation has NEVER been a skill of mine. So here I am again, back on the sauce and already the delusions about how much I will or won't have come back, "After the year being sober I probably won't drink again". And even in the last couple of weeks, "I've been drinking again, but I'll keep an eye on it". Yea. Right.

I'm not being too hard on myself either: I have really enjoyed the last few nights I've been drinking with people and it hasn't resulted in any bad behaviour or loss of control, maybe just a thump in the pocket really.

But I feel somewhat of a fraud now: Any attempt to climb up on some sort of soap box, making a commentary on drinking habits and alcohol in our culture is kind of diminished by how quickly I went straight back to drinking.

Oh well?!

Hmmm.

AFTER Sober For A Year - Day 5

2010-11-03T21:31:00.005Z

Since I completed Sober For A Year I've had 2.5 pints of Guinness.

One of these pints I had tonight.

Afterwards I felt quite emotional and upset.

Now I feel like ranting online.

Christ. Someone stop me from ordering the Guinness next time. Please.

Another year sober is definitely on the cards.

It could go either way though:

Another year sober, or a year completely rat arsed and mangled on all sorts of chemicals. Just to make up for lost time. Just to say, "Actually, FUCK IT ALL!"

I'm fed up people.

I'm fucking fed up.

I'm fed up with my shite dead end job (who are now asking us all to work more hours up to Christmas). I'm fed up with the shite 9 - 5 working class existence, where people are supposed to be fucking grateful and loyal that some rich people want them to do a bunch of menial piss ass boring dicking about, while they line their pockets and patronisingly pat you on the back with pep talks and meetings about how we can all do really well if we work together as a team.

How about you pay me to not set fire to the place? A one off payment of £50,000 will do sure, that'll save you all the hassle of having to see me every morning for the next 3 or 4 years?

Yea, I'm fed up with my position in the Universe. The way I am a floating turd being carried along the current of raw sewage into an inevitable ocean of averageness. I will turn 40 and shrug and say "My life was OK, I guess".

I'm fed up with being a fucking cliché.

So there, have "drunken" rant.

Probably a bit of a first on this here blog. HA!

But. No more booze.

And no more painfully unoriginal blogging about how shit life is.

Night.

Day 365 - SOBER FOR A YEAR!!!

2010-10-30T15:55:00.004+01:00

I'm currently sitting in a bungalow that has a conservatory overlooking the Mourne mountains, with beautiful green fields all around us.

It's amazingly sunny for this time of year. It's mild and dry outside. The band are setting up their instruments and getting ready for a night of totally uninhibited free expression. We have canvases, paint, percussion instruments in various shapes and sizes, drums, guitars and assorted esoteric thingy-me-bobs. It's 4pm on Saturday, 30th October.

I have now been sober for a year!

Last night there were some nice disco beats at the Pavilion, followed by afterparty funnings. We talked a little about the Sober For A Year thing and I celebrated, in a quiet way, with good vibes all around me and good people. This morning I got home to pack up and found a card posted through the door:

(sorry about the crap quality of my phone pic)

This was a really sweet gesture actually, because it would have been very easy for my sister to simply hand me the card or even just phone and say "Well done!" So I was quite touched.

So to reflect a little (but not too much, you'll be glad to hear, as the Hexxed weekend of mad noises and free thought is about to begin!) ... The last year has been a great. I've achieved some great things and felt plenty of positive changes in myself. Some of these things have been subtle, but important for me, as a person who is often very sensitive to changes in my emotional state.

So will I carry on being sober?

Being completely honest, I'm thinking I might let my hair down a little bit this evening. Obviously taking into consideration how sensitive I'm going to be to any "foreign" input into my system. This is a special weekend with the guys in the band and a time to say, "Yes. I did something quite cool!" Equally I don't feel this is some sort of "reward" for my sobriety, more just a chance to have a little taster of what I missed. Niall has just taken our orders and is driving to the "The Wine King" (tee hee hee) to buy me a bottle of red wine. I might just have a wee sip.

I don't plan to drink next weekend or any after though... I've enjoyed being sober. Saving the money. Being without hangovers and the foggy head of doubt the morning after.

Right anyway.

I gotta go folks. Thanks so much for all your donations to charity, the money isn't tonnes, but it goes straight to SANE and I reckon it'll be a gesture towards a great organisation that do very important work for people who need support. The often overlooked outsiders. Thanks massively to all you people who have posted and commented on here, facebook and twitter and shown me nothing but support and encouragement. It really helped me through to log on and see that I had 2 or 3 messages waiting some days.

And thanks to all the people who offered support and encouragement when I was out and about too! It really means a lot to me. I didn't experience one negative comment from people actually. Not a single person said "What a stupid idea!" or "I think what you're doing is pointless", some people merely said, "oh good for you", but that to me was still positive.

Anyway. Less ranting. Time for noise!

Catch y'all later.

Toodley pip!!!! :)

Day 363 - Nearly there!!

2010-10-28T22:48:00.002+01:00

Back into the closet I go...

For nearly a year I pointedly avoided talking about this topic in this here blog, for a few reasons which I will get to, but with just 2 days left to go until I am SOBER FOR A YEAR, I thought I'd say a couple of words about this, somewhat thorny subject.

But first I must say: The Hexxed - Synapse Collision gig was a hoot! Probably the most satisfying gig I've played. The turn out was made up of many fellow musicians who had never heard Hexxed before, which was nice. There was a great vibe in the room, so many cool people up for hearing some new things. Adnan and Paul played a blinder and opened the show up with some excellent tones, clanks, screeches, hits, bonks, beats, fuzz, scratches and general noise filth that made me so pleased. Paul's new instrument was premièred and had many people staring in interest. Their performance was so much about the visual aspect as well as the aural.

Livingstone were great too. It was more straight ahead tuneage, in the form of rocking and a rolling, with some very nice guitar playing and laptop beats and pieces. It was nice to see and hear something with plenty of gusto, without the need for it to be "punk" or "metal" or relying so much on heavy guitars too. A rare thing.

Hexxed performed the entire album pretty damn well. There were wee hiccups here and there, which I am fairly confident only the members of the band would have picked up on, so from that perspective, I think it was as close to perfect as we all could have hoped for. The mood was just right, the crowd seemed totally transfixed and into it. The reaction afterwards was brilliant.

I felt on form with my vocals. I felt I had plenty of room to hit all the right notes and do all the hard work on the growls and screams. I toned down my jumping about a bit, both because of space limitations and because it felt right to not try to steal attention so much: To let people see us as a unit and see us all work off each other, as opposed to the front man stealing the show.

I am so pleased we got to perform the entire album in that atmosphere and I felt we gave it a proper send off. It's also got to be said that I believe the performance of the album now, is 10x more proficient and full of energy than what is captured on the CD (which now features recordings from about 2 years ago). I would totally be up for performing it more and taking the album on tour. I think experiencing the entire album in this way is the best way to understand it.

However I'm also happy to move onto the next stage with the band: writing and creating new songs and a whole new concept for the band.

So the gig was a massive success! The future for Hexxed is looking good and shit, y'all.

Now for the gritty stuff:

I've wrote a little about being gay and how it can be difficult working with people who immediately assume you're straight and therefore will say some, not-so-PC-things about homosexuality. They might ask you questions about your love life and put you in a position where it's incredibly hard (for me at least) to just say, "Umm actually I'm attracted to men not women, just to clarify that for you." What I still struggle with, is the "why?": Why is it so fucking hard for me to just say it?

Possible reasons:

1. A lot of gay culture offends me: Why is it acceptable for gay bars to have video juke boxes that play Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Kylie all night? Why is assumed that if I am gay I am into tacky, tasteless pop culture? WHY?!!! WHY DAMMIT!!

I feel like a minority within a minority, within a minority... Good for the ego on the one hand: I'm probably 1 in a billion. Bad for meeting like-minded people for potential relationships! *SAD FACE*

Being "gay" implies a set of behaviours to people that I don't feel fairly represent me at all: I'm not really obviously "effeminate". Lucky me eh? I get to pretend to be all butch and shit when I go to gay bars, or something... (in fairness I stopped ever going to gay bars about 4 months ago, mainly because of the music... and the creepy leery drunken queeny blokes... and the poncey bar staff... and the unlikelihood of ever meeting anyone I can even remotely relate too.... but I digress)

Many, many times I've had conversations with straight people in work, enjoying the banter, but all the while being faintly aware that that level of conversation is built upon their belief that I am straight. Conversely I've seen the negative way similar people have treated openly gay men in the workplace: There's an obvious barrier there.

I hate that. I hate that being open about one detail of myself immediately cuts me off from all this other potential social interaction that I could be sharing with people. Yet this is the way it is always going to be, as far as I can see, because there is an attitude towards homosexuality - a set of assumptions and ideas about behaviours and intentions - that is ingrained in many people. And that isn't any one individual's fault, in my opinion: The prejudice is based on what people are taught in society, the imagery they are brought up with, the media, the politics, the environment, etc. etc.

I don't wish to try and undo that, because frankly that's impossible. Challenging people on it is fair enough, but it's not really a fight I could be arsed with.

2. Sex isn't really an appropriate topic for conversation in work all the time! This is why I feel uncomfortable with "gay culture" in general: For there to be a "community" of gay people, there has to be a point when people open their mouths and say, "Hey everyone, I want you to know what I do with my sexual organs! That's right, I choose to put them into these orifices here! That makes me X! Now accept me and treat me the same as everyone else, dammit!!!" I don't know about you, but I'd probably spit out my cornflakes if I heard someone actually say that shit out loud.

Point is: What we do in our sex lives is all very personal and intimate and not really the topic of a casual conversation over tea and crumpets for most people, is it? Therefore, why should anyone need to know or care?

3. The argument about homosexuality being "unnatural" does ring through to me a little. I'd like to say I'm above that, but sadly I'm not: I understand that straight people are wired to find the opposite sex attractive, that's a key part of evolution right there: Birth, procreation, death.

Whether or not to procreate is a choice and a totally different point, but the fact is: It's the natural way of life for animals to mate with the opposite sex and procreate. It happens quite a bit I hear. So, yea, I think there is a reasonable argument there that gay sex is "unnatural". What I don't accept so easily however, is that "unnatural" implies something morally wrong. How can you be so self righteous about your attraction to someone as to deem it "morally right"? Seems a bit arrogant to me,"Baby you and I should get together, because it is the right thing to do!" ... Not the best lyric in a love song I've ever heard.

This goes back to point 1 though: I understand why many people have not thought this argument through and instead are brought up to believe that man + woman = correct, man + anything else = ewwwww WRONGNESS you're going to hell, dirty sinner... Unless I move to some isolated island, working in some gay sex therapy centre or something, I think I'll have to accept, that homophobia is part of this world.

4. I haven't really seen or grown up with ANY positive gay role models. Although I am realising more and more, that there are many, many, brilliantly intellectual, articulate, creative and interesting gay people out there, which is encouraging. It's just a shame that there are so many embarrassing gay people....... NO !! WAIT!!!!

That's the thing though, gay people don't represent me. No more than any straight person represents any other straight person!! The notion that I'm somehow responsible for Graham Norton is pretty worrying. But then I wouldn't say to my colleague in work, "You should be ashamed of yourself, that Harold Shipman was a disgrace to your kind!" Would I?

Anyway, all that shite aside: In work, things have been fine, mostly. As they have been before. However, the jokes about gayness and "Schtuff" have been still hovering about and I completely flaked on a couple of occasions when asked some pertinent questions: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Me: NO.

"Why not?"

Me: Umm... Because I ... *mumble*

Someone else interupts me: "He hasn't met the right women yet, isn't that right?"

Me: Ha. Yea. Sure. Ha. *skulk away*

And...

"Alright my big homo mates?"

"You shouldn't say that around Martin, what if he was actually gay? Would you not feel bad that you're slagging him off and he's actually a gay bloke?"

... Awkward silence, people waiting for me to react...

Me: "Yea, exactly... Ha. Mmmmhmmm..."

And tonnes more similar examples of my utter lame weak ass attempts at trying to come out at work in the quietest way known to mankind.

Meh...

I think it's important to say that I get on quite well with the majority of people in work. In fact, it's the first time since I worked in Maplins (back in 2005 / 2006) where that has been the case!

Anyway. In other newsy newsy news worthy news of news ness.....ness ness ness ness....

I've been sober for NEARLY a year!! How about that shit?

I'm pretty fucking proud of myself (even if I am a big queer... ho ho ho... err...) and I'm going to have to take a bit of time to write a decent blog entry reflecting on how the year has been and what I plan to do next...

But this is not that time!

Good night folks.

This weekend the Hexxed boys are planning a wee band bonding session away and I can't friggin' wait. I think I'll probably not drink. In fact, I'm nearly certain of that. But I may have to find some way to celebrate this bit of a milestone. It'll probably be enough to be with some cool people, in a cool environment and having the craic, leek.

Day 354 - Continued...

2010-10-19T18:19:00.003+01:00

First thing this morning as i got on the 2nd bus to work: A work colleague calls me and another guy 'gay boys' and 'big fruits'.

And she says this type of thing throughout the day.

It doesn't matter though. She doesn't mean any harm by it. And throughout the day I felt the banter was good with people and we all got on pretty well.

The way I see it, there's a good analogy about the same kind of stick I get for my beard! People are just teasing and having a bit of a joke, I could get all up in arms about it and say, "You can't say those things about bearded people! That's BEARDIST!! I find these comments deeply offensive!" But it's quite understandable that I'd be laughed at even more.

I'm sure if people at work knew I was gay they would either stop using derogatory gay words, or they'd just tease me in a different way. That's fine.

There was also an interesting point when two people were joking about who I fancied at work, one suggested a girl there and I said, slightly in mock offense, "People around here keep making assumptions about me". It was kinda, almost coming out! Sorta. Under my breath. Sorta, kinda.

Oddly though, one of my work colleagues replied (equally in a faint mumble), "You should just tell people, or it'll make it worse."

That kinda caught me off guard. 1. Because it was a very fair comment that hits the nail on the head with all this shit I've been writing about the last few days. 2. Because the way this person said it, it made it seem like they already knew. ...

I sort of sensed a slight change in the atmosphere after that, but it could have been purely imagined. A change, only in that there was a period of less banter and more quiet. Who knows if that was the collective consciousness of the room readjusting itself to these new revelations, or merely an increased sense of awareness on my part at the mild feeling of a cat being let out of a metaphorical bag. It might have just been one of the many points throughout the day when people just get on with work.

Hmmm.

One thing today I was pretty uncomfortable with was when another girl at work was kinda picked out and picked on for the amount of work she's done recently. We're all pretty much in earshot of each other, so it was slightly cringe worthy in places it seemed a bit like humiliation. Clearly it is all about keeping people on their toes and reminding us that we'll get the same treatment if we slip up! But still, is that really necessary? I know she felt pretty shitty after that.

Anyway, I've had some quite supportive comments (and a phone call) from friends in the last few days. I just want to say I don't feel like a "victim" or isolated, or helpless, or alone (any more. I'm not sure if I did feel "alone" but I definitely felt a bit victimised and probably unnecessarily).

So thanks very much people!!

I'm not sure how to progress with things in work, but I don't plan to make some big announcement, there's obviously no need. I have a feeling things will just work themselves out naturally. I'm not going to force it and hopefully no one else will feel the need to pressure me into saying or acting in some way I'm not comfortable with.

And we can all get on with our lives!

AMEN.

Day 354

2010-10-18T23:32:00.004+01:00

354 days sober AND... 365 days off the cigarettes!

How about that?

In other news about fags...

I just seen this on the "Community Channel" while flicking through TV a couple of hours ago.

It was fairly hard hitting stuff in places: Word of advice to gay people. DON'T have your wedding in Jamaica!

It's put me in a bit of conflict. Even writing this is already putting myself in a position I'm unsure I want to be in. The question is:

Do I really want to be "Militant Gay Man"?

Challenging homophobia and it's injustices throughout the land?! No. I don't think so.

I watched that show and I think it's really fucking sad that there are so many misguided, hateful people out there. And I realise that in work there are constant comments that could be considered homophobic.

I wrote the other day that it's my choice whether or not I let it bother me. Another way to put is: Is it worth alienating myself and making my work life potentially very difficult? If I challenge someone on these comments what will happen then? People will feel uncomfortable around me. They'll stop talking to me so much, they'll be guarded around me, they'll maybe deliberately start saying these things to intimidate me.

The best that can possibly happen is that people will be happy enough to talk about it and ask questions and even have a joke about it, but will still be open with me. It's not like I'm really close to people in work, but I'd like to think we all get on pretty well. It's a small enough team.

The more likely thing is that the awkwardness will make it too hard to stay in the job.

So I don't know if it's worth "confronting" anyone about their comments. However, why should I lie about who I am?

It's so frustrating because I am constantly coming in and out of the closet all the time, depending on the situation and the people. People always assume I'm straight and I still don't completely accept myself: I understand why many people find it strange and different and I understand why my sexuality makes some people feel uncomfortable.

I might think people are wrong for judging me, but I understand where their thinking comes from, because I used to think like that too! I.e. that homosexuality isn't "natural", it's an abnormality. But then as Stephen Fry quite rightly pointed out: Morality is unnatural, love is unnatural.

Do I have to explain all this to people in work though? Do I have to try and educate them?

Fuck that. It's not my responsibility to make them use their fucking brains. It's their responsibility to have some sense and consider other people's feelings. I'm sick of hearing the phrases "you big fruit", "gay as fuck", "woofter" all day, all around me from men and women in my workplace. Am I expected to just say nothing and get over it?

But then again, we live in Northern Ireland where some people will judge you based on which religion you were born into, or which part of this city you were brought up in. I have had to listen to some talk program on the radio at work a few mornings and it's utterly depressing how backward some people in this country are. It wears me down a little, when I think how much of an outsider I really am.

Part of me likes being an outsider, but it's shite when you feel that you've no one behind you, no one understands or gives a fuck about the person underneath the fake smile and small talk. I don't expect people at work to care about me and of course I have friends who are totally accepting and supportive of who I am. I just feel like... Life is too fucking short to be hanging around in places and situations with people who expect me to be sorry for what I am, or sorry for how I feel.

On the other hand, no one needs to give a fuck! With these guys at work, we can sit around on our lunch break and there is good banter. Of course there is sleggin' and all that, but it's generally all good natured and I haven't felt excluded from that... Yet. How will that all change if I come out to these people?

Hmmm...

Alarm set for 6:30am.

Time to sleep on it.

Day 352

2010-10-17T21:42:00.005+01:00

So Friday night was great!

Saturday Hexxed practice was even better.

Sunday has been an exercise in utter laziness. I've done nothing but watch movies and eat junk food. It's also been a week since I've been up to my studio. Very naughty.

So this is the "9 - 5 lifestyle": Work all week and do nothing in the evenings. Nights out on the weekend. Doing minus nothing on Sunday. I've been here before. I don't care for it much.

This coming week I'm going to make a point of getting up to the studio after work. It'll be hard and tiring, because after work I just want to come home and sleep, but I'll do it and get into the habit of it. I need some sense of hope. I need to believe that my creative life isn't just going to wither and die now that I am working a "normal" day job again.

Besides, I am paying for the studio.

Having a new job at least takes away some of the worry I had a couple of weeks ago. But this situation is far from ideal. And I'm concerned that everything up to this point has just been that mentality of Summer freedom and hope with the winter bringing me back to reality with a crash: There is no career in music for me. There is no way I'm going to be able to afford to quit my day job and live off doing what I love... etc etc etc...

So it's important for me to keep making time for the things I love, otherwise I will give into that negative way of thinking and frankly, life will feel like an utterly pointless franchise.

Time to sleep. Alarm set for 6am. GROAN!!

[EDIT: I just realised my post the other day said "Day 346" when it should have been "Day 350", corrected it now. That's only the 2nd time in almost a year I've made a mistake like that, but my google calendar put me right. I know I'm right, because Day 350 fell on WEEK 50 also, so that all checks out! Sorry for the confusion. All sorted now. Carry on...]

Day 350

2010-10-15T20:40:00.003+01:00

Day 5 at the new job complete. Things are going fine really, but maybe more on this later.

It's Friday, so time to get the feck out of the house and go shake it to some PHAT BEATS!!! Off to Ecker we go. Can't wait for Kid Kameleon!

Meanwhile, I uploaded a new piece of music to Soundcloud as Doctor Lilt.

Also, I just watched this video and thought it was definitely worth sharing with you all:

I found this incredibly moving. I know it's easy to snub this sort of thing and take the piss, but it caught me with my defences down and the message in it deeply affects me, especially right now in this new working environment.

The new piece of music on Soundcloud I mentioned above is loosely related to this video (and the "It Gets Better" campaign).

Anyway, enough of the seriousness.

Big long Hexxed practice tomorrow for preparations of the Synapse Collision gig in Auntie Annies, Thursday 21st October, and then some time in the studio to catch up on various music related bits and bobs. Shhhhaaaaayyyyyyes!!!

Toodle pip for now.

Day 349 - Bikes = Yikes!

2010-10-14T00:00:00.004+01:00

Back in the summer months I bought a bike.

I talked about it for a long time before eventually making a concerted effort to find one. My sister (and yes I am blaming this on you. Partly anyway! :P ... ) suggested I find a cheap second hand bike somewhere, so I searched on Gumtree.

The bike I bought was a bargain (you know where this is going already, don't you?) at £40! I decided to spend £30 on a bike helmet (best to be safe on the road, since this was going to be an ambitious new hobbie and method of transport!) and £10 on a pump and a lock.

Took the bike to work for the first time and it was great: A proper trek that wore me out, but I liked "feeling the burn" and I realised it would get easier with time! Cycled home from work. All good!

A couple of days later I decided to cycle into town to meet a friend for coffee...

KABLAM!!!! Pssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttt....

Here. Have a puncture buddy. Do you like that?

Umm No. Not really.

Well, guess what, it's a huge big screw, wedged right into the tyre. How do you like that?

Umm, that's... That's kinda not cool, I'm going to have to walk with this punctured bike all the way into town and home again later.

So. My original enthusiasm was diminished somewhat after this little event. You could say my enthusiasm deflated like a punctured tyre.

I bought a puncture repair kit a few days (or a couple of weeks) later, took the back wheel off, patched over the hole in the tube. I checked the tube was sealed. It was! I put the back wheel back on.

I pumped up the tyre. All good. Squeezing the back tyre I thought "Nah, it could take more air than this!" I pumped more. And you guessed it...

KABLAM!!!! Pssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttt....

I pumped too much! The new patch ripped. The tube was dead. OK. Fuck this, I thought. Time to buy a new tube and while I'm at it, I'm going to buy a new back tyre. So I went to Mc Garvey's in the town, got a new tube and a brand new tyre for £10! Which is pretty damn cheap!

Several months later (yes, procrastination is a hell of a thing) I decided to try and fit the new tube and tyre onto the back wheel.

So tonight, I was working away. Got the new tyre and tube fitted pretty easily. I decided to tinker with the brakes: see if I could loosen them from rubbing against the back wheel. Bad idea! Fucked about with that for about an hour.

Eventually, I got the bike out the door and decided to take her for a wee spin around the block. It all seemed to be going well, until I tried to change gears....

CRACK!! CRACKLE!! KADINK! KADINK!! KADINK !!! ... Half a heart attack...

I look down. The gear sprockets have literally ripped right off the bike! The chain is tangled up around the pedals. The thing is a mangled mess!

And that was how I spent the evening after my third day of work at the new job. Now it's time for bed. 6 hours sleep. Then up to shower, make sandwiches and off to work I go again. But not on my bike. No.

It's another day ticket on the bus tomorrow morning and maybe I'll save my money for a decent bike in future.

Day 347 - Continued... Day 2 of New Job Complete

2010-10-12T17:44:00.004+01:00

Well I must say, today was much easier than yesterday. With hindsight I can see that I was understandably on my guard a little yesterday, because it was my first day in that whole new environment with new people and new things to learn.

The job went by easy enough today, I just got my head down. Other than my breaks I worked solidly. At some points it was getting a bit sore on my back, being on my feet all day, but the breaks helped and it was easy enough work. I'm getting the swing of it all rightly. In fact, I don't think there's much more to learn.

People there also told me that Monday's are always hardest because of the backlog of orders over the weekend.

So today made me realise that I'm really warming to these people at work already. This is a bit odd really, because I haven't really chat with them that much, or know much about them. Possibly I just realise the massive contrast between my relationship with people at work in my last job, compared to how it is now. There's been no patronising condescension. There's been no dirty looks or snipey comments. The people at work are jovial and good natured. There are even people into proper music there! (!) ... (when I say 'proper' I mean more than just sticking on the radio and/or watching X-Factor)...

I don't want to paint it like there's some rainbow pouring through the windows constantly and everyone is smiling, but it's a good enough atmosphere and everyone's been cool.

OK, so yesterday I mentioned this stuff about the "woofter" comments and such, but today I saw another side to that sense of humour: The way women have just as much power to make fun of the so-called "macho" guys in the workplace. The traditional idea of men sexually harassing women, leering about like animals and making inappropriate comments doesn't exist here (as far as I can see) and it's more like a small family just having a laugh, teasing each other.

So anyway, thumbs up all round.

I am kind of tempted to keep reporting on some of the details of my progress through this job, because it could make for an interesting document. Won't that be kinda creepy though?

I have been warned about THE BOSS a couple of times. I still haven't spoke to him. I've seen him pass through. Perhaps this is going to be the "catch" with an otherwise tolerable job. I don't plan on letting someone just scream at me for no reason though. If gives me shit and it's offensive and unreasonable in any shape of form, I'll tell him so: As a colleague mentioned yesterday, "No job is worth taking abuse like that". He also hasn't encountered this infamous temper of the boss, but like myself, he has been warned about it.

I would like to be able to convince myself that it's all just a running joke and the boss is actually the total opposite of aggressive or short (he certainly doesn't look like the type that will fly off the handle). But time will tell.

That's all for now. . . Carry on.

Day 347 - 18 Days To Go!

2010-10-12T00:48:00.005+01:00

347 days off the booze and everything else. That's 18 days to go, until I've completed an entire year sober. It's also 51 weeks since I gave up smoking too!

So I started my new job today.

Well, the bad news first:

It's pretty monotonous and dull. There was some awkward socialising stuff. The place was roasting at one point and I had to stand all day except for the breaks. It's about 45 minutes for me by bus.

The good news then:

I took to the job pretty quickly and got my head down. The entire operation is pretty straight forward, which gives me a sense that my place in the scheme of things is relevant and I'm not just a drone (even if I am). There was some good socialising stuff! There were 3 breaks.

OK, so more bad news:

This is kinda the epitome of "dead end job". There's no career in this. I am completely replaceable and expendable. Apparently the boss has a serious temper problem (though I haven't encountered him yet).

Something I've tried to program into myself with this job (which I didn't do with my last job) is to try and actually be open and honest with people. I feel it's the only way I'll be able to tolerate the job: If I am hiding part of myself or constantly thinking things that I feel I can not say, then I'm just not going to be able to enjoy being there. And the self-censorship will eventually lead to frustration and I'll just want to leave the place. That same self-censorship is the thing that always leads me to becoming paranoid and insecure, detaching myself from the reality around me. So maybe I can see this job as a test of this principle: I'll try my best to simply be honest with myself and others around me. A chance to see if all my usual ridiculous fears about people not accepting me, are really that ridiculous or not. I suspect I will learn that people don't mind the real me, because I'm actually a pretty reasonable guy... I think.

Anyway, I made an attempt at this "new found honesty plan!" today and still found that I couldn't stick to it completely.

In my head I thought, "Once again, I'm being put into this position of blah blah blah..." but then I realised it was completely my decision to feel that way. It was my decision to get offended when someone started making comments about becoming a "woofter" if you worked there too long. I could simply choose to say, "What's wrong with being a woofter?" and CONFRONT the comments head on. Or I could say something along those lines. BUT... I CHOSE NOT TO.

And besides, it wasn't meant in any kind of malicious way, I don't think. There was more of that type of humour later on, (straight guys joking about gayness and acting gay ... blah blah blah)...

Why do I choose to take that shit personally?

I think it's because I don't want anyone to censor themselves on my behalf, so I don't want to confront the issue and tell them that their comments effect me.

On the other hand, people adjust their behaviour because of me being there anyway. Whether I like it or not, I'm a new guy there and so it's perfectly natural for their behaviour to be adjusted accordingly around me, for a while. Whether in the sense that they'll be trying to get to know me, or trying to avoid me. I'm not invisible. I can't make people not respond to me. I'm there and that's how it is, for now.

So with that in mind, I should take control of the impression I give to people... I should ASSERT myself.

Well... It's easier said than done. As usual. But after all this is said and done, I think I got on all right with some people. I probably have to accept that getting to know people will take time, it will take them time to get used to me and vice versa.

This is all rudimentary social stuff, that really shouldn't require such a outpouring into this here blog, so I apologise people. I just felt it was best to spew it out now, or forever hold my peace.

In other good news:

I had a great weekend. Friday night awesome beats (courtesy of DJ Foamo), Saturday night, insane-ness at the Pavilion with Hexxed and some other bands. Some of which were unafraid to embrace dressing up in costumes (there were wizards and ... I think... Vikings?)

Hexxed played a blinder of course. We all enjoyed ourselves.

Sunday was excellent craic too. Recording some backing vocals with Rachel Austin up at Studio 23. Really good fun!

Today was a very productive day for me in some ways. Starting this new job has got my imagination all fired up. I went home and wrote this idea for film. I'm quite pleased with it. It's kinda complete. It has 4 different endings.

Then I got writing some lyrics and finishing a new song I've wrote on guitar. It's sounding really lovely. I'm especially pleased with the middle section, which I spent a good couple of hours plotting out. It felt like a good time to focus on the details. Zoom in on areas I normally just glance over. Practice and practice until my fingers were aching. Yes! Constructive-ings!

Finally, I want to say a big thank you everyone's donations so far!! Some recent ones over the weekend are great to see. Cheers.

Day 342 - I love coffee

2010-10-07T19:44:00.006+01:00

I love coffee and I have been drinking a lot of it lately. Because of the Niallator!! (yes, I am blaming you) I am now a total hipster dick head who can say "Can I get a Grande Ice Blended Caffe Creme Frappuccino with extra cream please?" and keep a totally straight face in Starbucks.

I don't care though. They are delicious.

Caffeine is my new addiction. I am only good at moderating my intake when I start getting light headed and everything I see gets a bit fuzzier. Until that point, I can guzzle massive mugs of the stuff. I get exercise from my constant trips to the toilet (for number ones).

In other news, I got a job! YAAAYY!!!!!!! I start on Monday! YAY!!! It's two bus journeys away from my house! Yay... And it's NOT the job I was really, really hoping for. yay...

I am going to be working again, so that's the important thing. It's regular hours too which will hopefully get me into a healthier routine with things.

BUT! I need to make a promise to myself to cut out my levels of FAFF, regarding Facebook and other internet time wasting pish.

I need an anti-FAFF-ray.

There is the Pomodoro Technique (thanks Chris), which is a simple and effective approach and I've done this a couple of times while up at studio to good effect.

I need to split my time into simple categories:

CRAP DAY JOB / STUDIO / SLEEP

And that's it. None of this "eating" or "socialising" malarky. Not in this lifetime kiddo. I think I'll be much happier this way.

In also other news (and such as), Hexxed performing the Synapse Collision album at Auntie Annies 21st October. Tell your grannies. The entire album! No breaks! THE WHOLE FUCKING ALBUM!!! I can't wait to do this gig and I hope y'all are going to come down and get your bounce on. This will be the last Hexxed gig for quite sometime. Then it's To The Song Writing Mobile! to get new things happening. Everyone is keen for that. But in the meantime we want to see the Synapse Collision off properly, so no excuses mofos! Get your shit down to this gig!!

Aye, so day 342! Wah? Just over 3 more weeks to go.

Madness leek. It has gone by very quickly, that's very true. Thoughts of, "And then what?" have been recurring more frequently. This is to be expected I suppose. I don't plan to drink again. I don't miss it at all. I can see the future being even better without it.

The charity side of things is still important to me though. I wonder if there's something else I can do for a year afterwards that would generate more cash? (And please don't even waste your time suggesting "celibacy for a year", that's NOT going to happen).

Some suggestions would be nice though. Feel free to splurge your idea muck all over my gaping mind hole. Err... Yea!

Day 333 (again) - So. Getting fired...

2010-09-28T16:53:00.009+01:00

So here it is, the story of the meeting that lead to me being booted out of and such as...

I arrived at the meeting about 5 minutes late. I must confess that I found it hard to give a fuck, given that I had to travel over an hour just to come to meeting that would probably result in me being given the sack.

Before I went into the meeting I spoke to another colleague at reception. "Hi, how's it going?" She picked up the phone, spoke to someone, put the phone down, spoke to me, "He's coming to get you now." OK. I'm thinking it doesn't bode well when a colleague whom I've worked with for the last 4 months blanks me in this way. Meanwhile a big, 'ard maaawwwwnnn (one of the ones that floats about and looks at you like you've just guffed in his steak and kidney pie) stands in reception and eyes me up and down. I turn to him and say "Alright mate?" He also doesn't respond.

I know I have a tendency towards paranoia, but I also have spent the last year sober and in that time I've paid attention to my triggers. This was an occasion where I knew I could get nervous and fearful, but I wasn't either. I was past caring to be honest. So I can't be 100% sure, but I strongly felt like I was walking into a scenario where people wanted me to feel intimidated. Why was that guy there? Why didn't he nor my other colleague respond to me, with even a bit of politeness or manners?

From a non-suspicious perspective: They were just being unprofessional. They were just being dicks, like so many people who work in the company: So let it roll off my back and move on, I thought to myself.

My supervisor walks into reception: Another "big 'ard mawwwwn" with an unapologetic intimidating gait. My heart sinks. I didn't want him to be here throughout this interview. This immediately removes my ability to be completely frank about the staff I have worked with and the inappropriate language and behaviour I've witnessed from some of them, (including this supervisor). But that just makes it all so much clearer to me: As far as anyone in this interview is concerned, it is my behaviour that has been inappropriate, not there's!

And so the farcical comedy of the interview begins, my supervisor is there to take notes and write down EVERYTHING that is said between me and the area manager. Of course! What better way to make sure I will keep my words brief: Put the intimidating supervisor in there and let me sit through 10 minutes of being told my every crime in agonising detail.

I start laughing at one point and interrupt this process: "Look, for the sake of speeding this up, how about you list the selection of things I've being accused of and I'll speak up if there is anything I find I need to defend or want to ask about?" They agree.

But the agonisingly slow verbal explanation and the comical note taking continues.

Eventually I get to put forward my side of the story:

As far as I am concerned, I have done my job well. I carry out all my duties to the best of my abilities and have done from the beginning. Yes, I admit there have been some issues raised with me, but I have put these right, as you have mentioned. So I don't see why my employment here needs to be terminated. I also think people need to speak to me more clearly if they have an issue with any part of my performance here. Unlike the way I was spoken to by !!!Twat-That-Had- A-Big-Rant-At-Me-The-Other-Day!!! who spoke to me completely inappropriately. He also didn't stop when another employee entered the room and I think that is just unacceptable: That undermines me and my position here.

"OK, can you read that back?" Says the area manager.

A large heavy exhale comes from the big mawn: "I have done my job well, I carry out my duties well and I have tried to be a better employee. I think I have been treated unfairly by .

"Is that OK?" says the area manager.

Yes. It is OK. It is OK because they've made it clear that I'm not going to get a fair hearing here. They've already decided they don't want me here and so this whole process is laughable and pointless. Sure. Write whatever. Fuck it.

It carries on in this way, eventually the area manager and I are arguing over some points, I think I do quite a good job of touche-ing his accusations, such as: "Do you think it's right that in a 12 hour shift, a guard only spends a few hours doing his duties?" To which I replied, "If all the duties he has been asked to carry out only take him a few hours, then yes, I think it's perfectly acceptable."

Of course this wasn't going to buy me any brownie points.

In the end an email from TWAT THAT HAD BIG RANT, sent to the area manager was read out to me, making everything loud and clear: "I can't trust him anymore and I want him off the site" was the jist of it. Basically it was everything he had said to me, but now excluding the part where he said, "One more thing from you and I'm going to ask you to be removed from this site." Seemed he changed his mind about giving me that one more chance, between having a rant at me and writing the email to the area manager. At the end of the day, it's his call whether or not the security team stay there at all. In that sense, I guess I was collateral damage. Maybe my dismissal sends a message to the others to knuckle down. Though in fairness, 'I just didn't fit in there, I hated the job and didn't really try to hide it', is probably closer to the truth.

After all the to-ing and fro-ing I was sent off to get a coffee while they mulled it over. They took longer than I thought. I saw the area manager on the phone. Perhaps they were phoning TTHBR to confirm he wasn't going to change his mind. Maybe they actually were willing to give me another chance and thought they'd try and reason with the TTHBR. I doubt it though. In hindsight, seems more likely they knew exactly the outcome before I arrived.

What was the phone call about then?

Hiring new stuff? Letting HR know to send out the position and make it available? Sort out my last few weeks payment? General paperwork involved in the whole firing and rehiring someone probably.

After the break I was given my sentence. It was slightly humiliating, but slightly amusing. I'm not sure why I found it all so funny, maybe because it felt so unjust.

I was asked if there was anything I wanted to say, off the record (as notes were no longer being taken), the big mawn pipes up, "I can leave if you want." I really wanted him to, but I didn't want to say it. What would be the point? The area manager and him used to work together here. I didn't have any faith in the confidentiality of anything I said to either of them. Also, what good would it have then done to say, "Well actually, the big mawn there, he's been saying some pretty inappropriate stuff, here's a list..." At most it would get him taken aside to have a finger wagged in his face, maybe his wrists slapped. Combine that with the fact that I have a slight aversion to having my legs broke by huge tattoo'd Loyalists from Sandy Row!

Moving swiftly on... I did mention in the hearing that TTHBR was totally out of order and that someone should speak to him about this. In some small way I hoped this might help the other guards. If he was also told to calm down a bit and be less of a prick with people, then maybe their lives will be just a little less stressful and people will get on a bit better, but I certainly won't hold my breath. I won't even waste time inhaling, hoping that anything will be said to him at all.

So that was that. I said "I've never been fired before. This is an interesting feeling" and I smirked and before I left I said "I'm just going to go downstairs to buy a couple of things, do you's mind?" They didn't.

I got my £5 Lack table and £4 waste paper bin and was on my way back into the world of unemployment.

Everything is fine except the uncertainty of paying bills. I am fine about the way the hearing was actually just a crock of shit. I don't really mind that I was fired. I am fine that people there never really took to me, or me to them. I am fine to not have to travel over an hour to work each night. I won't really miss the wee hard men and the big lads talking about "gettin' the boys round" or "them there pakis" or whatever other inclusive and fun work banter they pour out of their face holes. I am happy with everything except the uncertainty of how I'm going to pay my bills.

But, aside from this big blog-a-thon, I have been on the case with that, so fingers crossed for the future. And maybe even one without wankers? Well we can dream.

Day 333 - Wanna go Halfers on a Lucifer?

2010-09-28T14:09:00.007+01:00

"Fuck the system", Martin murmurs, looking at ticket stub 500 in his hand as he waits at the dole office.

- After arguing with a lady at the bank who wouldn't deposit his money into his account and insisted he use a machine, until she finally accepted it wasn't going to accept his money.

- As he climbed into bed around 10pm, somehow worn out after only being up for 9 or 10 hours.

"I'll do it all again tomorrow" Martin whispers before falling asleep.

I'm not sure if I have the beginnings of a cold or something, but I'm feeling quite tired and cold. I felt this way yesterday after dinner. Maybe my system is a bit run down, due to "stress" or something?

I'm not sick, just a bit tired and ... maybe a bit emotionally tender?

Meh...

On the plus side:

Handed in an application form for a job I REALLY REALLY REALLY want, so wish me luck!

Applied for a few other jobs too so I'm making an effort.

Signed on (as mentioned above) just in case.

And for the most part being mature and sensible about all this, even though there is still a lot of bitterness under the surface: I feel it was unfair dismissal really, but more than that, I feel they were, essentially, a pack of total wankers really. So fuck it. Twatterings. I do not need such twattery in my life.

I visited my parents on Saturday there and was reminded of the joys of West Belfast: In a fish & chip shop a girl, couldn't be any more than 15, wearing a blue tracksuit, gold chain starts telling her friend behind the counter (and thus the whole shop) that: "They've taken my baby off me again. That's another 12 weeks I'm nat ganna have her! I don't know what I'm ganna do. I'm ganna be even warse nay!" And her friend behind the counter agrees: "That's the thing, if they take your child off ye, yer ganna act up aren't ye leek?"

Hmm. Perhaps and maybe, I'm overstepping the line here, but you know, perhaps, having your child taken off you by social services is the very real and hard hitting message that you need to open up your eyes and fucking look at? Perhaps it is the very fact that this is happening to you, that should make you take a step back and think about the circumstances that have brought you here and what you can do to prevent this from happening again...

Christ I feel like Jeremy fucking Kyle. But maybe that's what she's herself as: Just some Jeremy Kyle future participant, explaining how hard it is and like, you know, I should be givin' help or sumfin'?

Shudder.

What a place worth fighting for eh? What charm and fucking pride one should have in their heritage and their community, wah?

"Sure we're nat all like that" No, it's not your fault. It's your parents. They fuck you up, as Larkin rightly said.

But bringing a little bundle of joy into the World, only for it to be discarded and neglected and left to face the future on it's own, while it's mum and dad couldn't care fucking less how this child feels to be rejected and to be left to fend for itself in a World it doesn't yet understand: I can't empathise with that.

And I can't help thinking about the hundreds of people brought up in these circumstances. It doesn't excuse the life of crime that normally follows, or the unwillingness to try and be educated or the total abandon and hedonism that these kids grow up in, because some people understand that to get out of a bad situation they have to approach it differently. Some people realise that just copying what everyone else does leads to the same pointless result, so they find another way.

The people who try to sabotage, bully, discourage or get in that person's way - that person who tries to get out of the crap upbringing inflicted on them: That person who truly wants to better themselves - those are the real villains. They deserve no pity or forgiveness. Though perhaps they deserve no retribution either, because their crime is their punishment: A life of never really knowing what better things exist.

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh again?

- "Well I'm a truth addict,

Oh shit I got a head rush"

Fuck it. I don't know. I don't really care. I just prefer not to be around those people and that part of the world. I don't see much to be proud of. I don't see much reason to stay there. Does that mean I'm just making a choice to bury my head in the sand over something that really effects me emotionally?

I guess teenage mum's aren't the only one avoiding the flan of harsh shite.

In other more upbeat and happy fun times news!!!

... umm... I've forgotten now. Clearly some stuff on my chest there. Hmm, of course you're all very welcome to get your psychology hats on and postulate:

Hmm maybe Martin is the one feeling neglected and these feelings stem back to his own childhood. Maybe Martin finds that his parents have never been able to give him an underlying sense of self belief or worth and he struggles with self motivation and self achievement. Maybe Martin seeks out this need for emotional and moral support in others?

Hmm maybe Martin should stop writing this shite and get back to finding a job.

Day 327 - app-ropriate?

2010-09-22T15:38:00.004+01:00

I just never know where to put these wee mini rants. This adds to the very point I'm making below actually: How we have specific boxes for specific activities, experiences and feelings. Is that really a healthy thing? Read on:

So there must be some iphone app for Facebook that lets people say "I'm in X greasy spoon ordering fish" or "I'm at Z bus station", considering some updates I've seen recently. This seems somewhat disturbing. Is it because of the automated nature of these updates or the way the destination is highlighted for closer inspection, inviting people to pry into more of your real life activity? Is it just an utterly pointless way of giving free advertising to establishments? Is it just a tacky promotion of consumerism, tying it more tightly into social networking? Consuming = status! Is it just too much fucking information? It's one thing to tell me you're catching a bus, it's another to have some generic link attached to the fairly unimportant information, as though making it "formal". Is it that these people are making mundane activities sound important, as though that satisfies the human condition to share achievements or goals: "I ate a potato, now I'm complete!" Thus in turn making people actually very lazy and dull and uninterested in taking part in anything ACTUALLY interesting or challenging or anything that questions their world of banal little daily activities that have now become some sort of milestones? ... Is it all of the above? Am I just jealous I don't have an iPhone?

Day 327

2010-09-22T07:53:00.006+01:00

It's a great feeling when you are engrossed in a story, blindly travelling up that roller-coaster of suspense with no idea what is around the next bend, not expecting anything, only knowing that you're enjoying the ride, when suddenly you are hit with the MASSIVE UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST!

I don't want to spoil it for anyone, so I won't name the book in the hope someone else will get the same pleasure I did, but I was so ecstatic I literally giggled to myself on the bus just now. I couldn't wait to wade through the rain and jump on this here blog, just so I could go "isn't it class when a book totally fucks with your head?"

While we're on the topic of great plot twists: It appears I might be getting the sack on Thursday!

I've a big formal hearing and a letter that says, "...because you're still within your 6 month probationary period we may terminate your contract."

It's weird how mutha-fucken Zen I am feeling about all of this stuff lately.

I guess I am just glad something is happening. It might not be so good for me to be fired, certainly it won't look good on my CV (then again, why would I want to mention this job on any future CV?), but I am glad changes are coming.

I feel like, well, just like... Fuck it. I guess, I know that they know that I know that I just don't really care, so instead of worrying that people are pissed off about this and pissed off at me all the time, we're going to get it all out in the open.

It has to be said, a year ago, I'd be a mess trying to deal with the reasonably sized, Shit Mountain that's been looming over me of late.

Anyway, other than using my laptop in work and surfing-dem-darn-internets I don't see what dirt they've got on me. I was given a written warning for the laptop incident and never brought it into work again.

Which makes me actually think "no but really, what are they going to try and fire me over?" General bad performance? Surely not.

General bad attitude? Hmmm...

So maybe this is just going to be one of those final warning type meetings? Ach, I'll be disappointed if it is. I won't have my chance to be all righteous and flounce off into the sunset.

On the other hand, not getting fired might be a slightly better career path at this juncture. Then I can get the finger out and find something else. Tout suite.

Maybe I will get fired though.

In other news, somebody move into my house please? Go on. It'll be a laugh!

http://belfast.gumtree.com/belfast/31/65850431.html

[ps. sorry about removing yesterday's blog entry, I'll put it back depending on how the meeting goes on Thursday]

Day 326 - WARNING CONTAINS RANTING!

2010-09-21T08:47:00.005+01:00

Life is transient: we're always moving. Perhaps this is why I'm so bad with saving money?

... OK... So a bit of a warning here... The following is fairly RANT-TASTIC and I apologise in advance if you can't handle it or something. It's also quite long winded. I've found myself writing more and more these days, especially in work, where there is little else to do... But more on that in a moment................................

Maybe the answer is to just run away. I feel in my gut that this world is mostly a big crock of shit. Maybe the right choice is to turn against “good” and “normal”. Maybe the right choice is to turn to crime, to challenge the rules. Fuck the system.

Look how placated we are. Look at how TV controls us. The media rumour mills and the culture of controlling people through shame and guilt. Manipulation stifles people, keeps them in line. So much in society keeps our brains small and our imagination non-existent. It’s depressing how limited people are in their scope of the world, because the world is presented to them through an LCD plasma screen, pretty colours, soothing sounds, always pandering to us, keeping us in a little deluded playground reality.

It’s all bollocks.

Why are we so willing to hand over our lives to this system? Well, I guess we have such wonderful technology, we have well constructed housing and cheap groceries. You go ahead and have yourself a good time, a nice holiday, a dirty weekend, but just remember, we own you and you are OUR fucking property.

In medieval times people were stupid. They believed in witches and magic. They were loyal to Kings and Queens and busied themselves serving these leaders because they didn’t know anything else. So they’d spend their short lives fighting for them or building churches for them.

Now, we aren’t so stupid, now we need more sophisticated ways to make people pliable. Hello TV! Hello sensationalist news! Hello propaganda! Hello mind numbing advertising! It’s not some big conspiracy, controlled by a shady, fascist elite, but it kinda is, in a way…

Things could be very different, fairly easily. It wouldn’t be that hard to reshape the structure of civilisation. To re-address the balance of wealth and power. To re-address how we value human life and human values. There are a few elite who have quite a lot of influence over the way the world works and they probably don’t even realise the true nature of the power they have.

Whether it’s intentional or not, every human being carries the mentality of oppression: That’s how ‘they’ really get you. They get your mind! You can’t imprison a whole country and expect people to be happy about it and be loyal, but if you can penetrate their minds and instil an idea, then that idea will grow and spread like a disease. Eventually you have the fully functioning brain of patriotism. This is where people judge their world by the boundaries of the country that they are in: how close they are to the sea. The next nearest town: The colours of flags, skin, language. Us and them.

The idea instilled into people is that no one deserves to be free of all responsibility. No one has the right to just do nothing. Unless they are too old or infirm, in which case they’re just left alone to die. Those that try to be truly free and react against conformity are broken down, bit by bit, by those all around them, poisoned and brainwashed by the idea that we’re all meant to suffer and struggle until we die.

It’s deemed as some sort of madness by psychologists and those who study the human mind, when people want to escape the world around them: psychology tells us what is the “right” and “healthy” way to function in this world, so that we can ostracize those that don’t fit in with these meaningless labels.

Maybe it’s right to just say, Fuck The System! Fuck it completely. Fuck the whingers and the brain dead morons crying about taxes and immigrants and blah blah blah. Fuck their sanctimony. Fuck their righteousness and their selfishness and greed. Fuck their fucking shit taste in music and television: Their fat families and people carriers. Their local pubs and their bingo nights.

Maybe they all deserve to be laughed at and made fools of. They deserve to be shafted up the ass with more and more inflation, pay cuts, job losses, because frankly, they’re just too dull to think outside the box. Why don’t they think of some new ways to make the world work for them and stop complaining and being slaves in the rat race? Why are they just unimaginative dicks?

They are programmed to be small minded and to believe the world is limited by walls and rules. It doesn’t have to be this way…

BUT … ALL OF THIS IS A MASSIVE CLICHÉ!

Rebelling against society and the system.

Anarchy for all! - How idealistic and pathetic really.

And how exactly do I plan to survive in this free world without money or food? Will I steal from others? Will I rob? Will I scam? Oh dear, oh dear.

Freedom is a scary concept really: Actual freedom - no rules - just you and nature… That’s not something I’d be too quick to dive into, in all fairness.

But some alternative to this I would welcome.

I want to be somewhere else. Not here, working for this massive faceless corporation offering endless runs of banal furniture from a warehouse: yet another business structured with an army of drones and a convoluted hierarchy within. The bureaucracy of it all is so cringe worthy: ticking boxes and meeting targets, it’s like witchcraft.

It’s that medieval control again: brainwashing people to be subservient through the use of propaganda, rumour, hocus pocus.

Until you have obedient little worker bees, who won’t stop and consider their real power: Their collective power to turn the whole establishment upside-down. Why would they? With our tiny lives with our limited scope, we need this job, this money, this slavery.

…OK. So here’s what has happened…

I got into work last night and my boss tore me a new asshole. He says one more step over the line and I is outta here. He’s says I’m monkeying around too much and he says that he isn’t paying me for nothing. He’s right though; I shouldn’t be using Microsoft Paint and drawing little landscapes on company time. I shouldn’t be using my laptop and surfing the net.

But I’d like to see him sit here for 12 hours, 4 nights in a row without some kind of stimulation, and see how he copes. He’s a good guy. He’s an intelligent, mentally active person. I can see how his mind is always running, busy, in need of challenges. He stresses himself out, he gives himself more work than he has to and acts like it’s a pain in the ass, but he chooses to do it, because he enjoys the challenge, he enjoys being busy and being kept on his toes.

He would go insane doing my job. I’d give him two weeks.

So OK, I’m a fuck up here. I don’t care enough, I do the bare minimum and I avoid getting to know the staff. I don’t want to make small talk and I don’t care if no one likes me and people see me as the weirdo beardo. I bite my fist every time I have to listen to that excruciating, meaningless “banter” that I hear between other employees. I’ve heard racist slurs being bandied about, homophobia; I’ve heard retarded arguments about immigrants, interesting points about how people shouldn’t tout on the paramilitaries. You know… the usual. And of course, the old chestnut of how the job is so hard and everyone is so unhappy, but hey ho, another day, another dollar, back to the grindstone, oh well, what can you do about it, huh?…

Kill yourself. That’s what you can do. Fuck off and kill yourself. (ooh get me and my misanthropy: Bitter much?)

Is that too harsh? Sorry. Maybe don’t kill yourself, maybe please just stop making me listen to the same pseudo-discontent, rhetoric and regurgitated nonsense over and over and over again when you know you don’t really mean it: You love your job, you love being a little worker bee in the safe confines of the hive and you love pretending to be above it all. Are you really unhappy? I don’t think you are. You don’t sound very sincere. Either you’re actually not bothered or you’re a total sadist.

Anyway the fact is: I can handle this job. I am capable of doing all the little tasks and reports. I am punctual and courteous to all these people I work with, (even if I don’t really say much, I’m still polite). So, basically, he’s totally wrong giving off to me and giving me shit (in front of another member of staff too!). Maybe collectively, the security team have not been making the best impression recently, but hey, that’s not my fucking fault. I’m the night guard and I don’t have anything to do with what goes on here during the day. I’m Vampirino Supremo.

So when he says, “I’ve lost all confidence in you mate”, it really just makes me think, “No you haven’t, you’ve lost all confidence in this company, so don’t take it out on me you prick.” Besides my utter boredom and despair here, I’m actually doing my job properly, not that anyone has ever taken the time to notice or thank me for it!

Aye.

So. All of this, you’ll probably notice, is a rather long and angst-ridden way of me saying (once again): I really, really !!REALLY!! need a better job than this.

But wait a minute, doesn’t that just make me as bad as the worker bee’s who complain but won’t do anything about their situation?

Time will tell…

Look, contrary to what impression I might give off, I don’t mind working hard. I don’t mind being a “slave to the system maaaaaaaaaaaan”. I just want to do something that is actually worthwhile and contributing some sort of good, maybe. Or at least satisfying my inner needs to create: to add something to the world.

Instead I sit here and I feel utterly useless. I feel guilt at how stagnant I’ve become. The time I am wasting, doing nothing - Being a glorified alarm bell. Being a button monkey. A cloak room attendant. Sure it’s just a means to an end, but why can’t this means be just the tiniest bit less soul destroying and pointless? This job stinks and so by association my life stinks. I’m a pathetic subservient weakling to a bunch of ungrateful, bores. I need out. Fast.

So come on, brothers and sisters… JOIN ME! Let’s do it! Let’s unshackle ourselves. Release the chains! Break free! Undo this slavery!

Who’s with me?

…tumbleweed…

Day 323

2010-09-18T05:50:00.003+01:00

I'm writing from the studio this morning. I've just had a bit of an all nighter here. Good times. Hexxed practice in a few hours. I should probably sleep soon.

Anyway, hi there. How's it going?

Electric Picnic was amazeballs!!!

Lots of highlights, including Jónsi: making sweet love with big anthemic, emotional and, actually, quite dancey vibes. What a voice, what a performance and the visuals were stunning!

Beardyman: Probably my favourite performance of the weekend. The guy is simply a fucking genius and it depresses me somewhat that I once thought I might be good at this old beat boxing shit. He said it himself: He came along and now all other beatboxers are irrelevant (cocky bastard, but he's right!!!) Got to chat to him and ask him about his set up and stuff. He uses 4 Kaoss Pads. 4!! Plus Ableton Live, 2 x Korg Micro Synths, another loop station of some sort, and a pitch shift / vocoder (I think). His set was non-stop and he had about 5000 people in a tent all jumping up and down for about an hour. Ledge-to-the-mutha-uckin'-end!

Bonobo: Guys were well chilled and lovely. Great band and it pulled a lot of people over to the main stage. By the end there were hundreds of people nodding their heads or dancing about.

Hot Chip: Only caught the end of these guys, but it was good shit. Great crowd response and all very lively and full of action on stage.

LCD Soundsystem: Similar... Good upbeat, disco-y stuff. I found the music a bit too repetitive at times, but the front man is quite mesmerising. His delivery and presence really kept my attention, so it all worked quite well.

Mumford & Sons: I felt it all got a bit samey after a few songs, but they were good. Main problem were all the noisy, drunken numpties singing along, drowning out the band.

Leftfield: Fucking rocked! It was all the old skool stuff. Only one song of their 2nd album, the rest from Leftism. I thought they must have had new stuff, for them to be touring again, but no. Still, I love all that old stuff, so I was well pleased.

Some comedy stuff was good: Ed Byrne made with the funnies. There was a Who's Line Is It Anyway? type improv group with Phil Jupitus, which was OK for a wee while, but got a bit stale fairly quickly.

Caught some poets in the spoken word tent, who were alright, but nothing I haven't heard a million times before: Gosh, isn't the World really hard and shit and being working class is so hard and shit and I'm so angry... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Yawn. Then there was "Obligatory poem about sex, which is cringeworthy, not because it dares to talk about sex, (oh gosh!) but because it's being delivered as though this is so exciting and risque... It's not...

Still, there were other interesting anecdotes and stuff to be had in the spoken word area.

And So I Watch You From Afar played a blinder. Big turn out for them too. I was giving it stacks to their set, it was just what I needed on Saturday afternoon. It's a shame that so many people don't move or jump about at gigs any more. It annoys the fuck out of me that the security won't even let people get up on other people's shoulders. It's such a fucking buzz kill. Still, I got into it and happily lost my mind, so fuck everybody else.

Massive Attack: Absolutely amazing lights / text / big multi-layered visual stuff, full of political messages which was exciting and enlightening at times, but a bit depressing and distracting also. I couldn't help thinking "ach, just play the fucking songs and stop trying to make us all feel guilty". It just felt a bit of a downer, considering they were the big finale to the whole festival. It was good though. Horace Andy was there. What a voice! Angel was much fun, especially when the lights lit up the entire crowd and you could see thousands of people being rained on, while being blasted with 100s of decibels of sound. Quite cool.

Enjoyed the Silent Disco (again).

Unkle were decent enough. Sound was terrible up the front.

Hmmm what else?

The Barcardi Stage had great beats and DJs all weekend. Only caught a bit of it, but I was really digging that shit.

Phil Selway was nice. Chilled. Nice arrangements and choice of instruments. I liked that his band was made up of multi-instrumentalist, it was like musical chairs, and at the end they all climbed onto the drum kit for a big percussion jam finale.

Aside from that, the food was great at a few places, I had the best shepherd's pie EVER! at one wee stall. A decent enough fry up at a wee family run cafe. Another had amusingly whacky staff and nice cake. There was all sorts of food there, mexican, chinese, italian, indian and it wasn't too dear. I also really loved the aesthetics and architecture of the place, especially the Body & Soul area, which had some installation stuff and lots of little tents and stages that looked very home made and natural.

The camp site we stayed in was fine. I didn't think much about it until we walked through the 'normal' camp site on our way home, then I noticed the difference. I am glad we paid a bit extra for that separated site, we had clean toilets, showers (though average waiting time in the queue was about an hour) and security. The place was just clean all weekend, which was a plus.

Being sober at Electric Picnic was fine. Seeing all the drunken and mashed up people was grand, it never got to a point where I thought, "get these crazies away from me!!" except maybe during Mumford & Sons when I just wanted them to shut the fuck up and listen to the band instead of singing over them, but hey, you can't really blame them I suppose. People were pretty well behaved actually, as far as I could see. There was a real mix of people too. Plenty of older folk and wee kiddies. I guess Electric Picnic is a bit more "posh" than your usual festival, then again it's the only festival I've been to, (besides Glasgowbury, but that's tiny in comparison).

Anyway, that was Electric Picnic. I've hundreds of photos up on my Facebook, if you don't use Facebook... Well... You can probably do without them... I can't be arsed uploading them all again. I imagine you'll probably live.

Since Electric Picnic I've been trying to get back into making music again. I've been feeling a little inspired by some of those bands and performances. I've been looking for work again. I've applied for plenty of jobs and sent out CVs etc. Sigh. Yes, I need to get out of this security job soon (as I'm sure I've said many times before)... I will get out of the security job soon. There. Positive attitude.

I've been reading a lot more of late. Currently I'm on Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. Ummm... It's about sex addicts. So yea. Fun. Read some others recently and got some more books off Amazon, in the post.

What else? Aye, sorry for this being a fairly dry, unimaginative list type post, I'm just kinda tired (it's 6:30am) and I'm at the studio having just spent 8 hours working on music. Working on music!! YAY!! That's right. New music and stuff... Yes.

Right, think that's enough for now.

Oh and I just turned 31. I had a nice time with my family and didn't get too bothered by the fact that I'M OLD AND I'M SLOWLY RUNNING OUT OF TIME AND SOON IT WILL BE TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING USEFUL WITH MY FUCKING LIFE!!!! ........ No. Positive mental attitude. I'm gaining more experience. Yes. I'm becoming more wise and more ....... awww bollocks to this... Night night...

Day 303

2010-08-29T21:20:00.004+01:00

303 days sober... That calls for an Acid tinged celebration... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc3a-eWTEfs

I'm being very bad today, I'm up at the studio writing the massive introspective essay that is to follow, procrastinating when I should be getting on with actual music making activities. In my defense (and it's a pretty weak one, as they always are) ... it's Sunday! Besides, Niall and I were DJing at a very hedonistic party recently and frankly, drink or drugs weren't even relevant: After a primordial exorcism like that, your abilty to identify with the "normal" world has been altered. Needless to say, quite a few people at that party displayed behaviour that I found quite terrifying: Human beings becoming zombie-like creatures, staggering about, practically drooling on themselves, celebrating the apocolypse!

It makes sense to me that humans need to do this to themselves. It is part self-flagellation; endurance, like sport. Part of it is socialisation and it fills that need for humans to express deeper emotions to others around them. We need to feel we are not alone in this world, yet so much in our daily lives closes us off, divides us, boxes us up. So much of our awareness of the World is brought to us as bad news, as propaganda, as cynical marketing. We are still animals, we need to give into our primal urges sometimes, and that includes very loud, public displays of our inner turmoil, as well as the usual sexual needs and all the peacock displays and ritual dances tied into them.

I imagine thousands of years ago humans danced around fires and had totems made to imaginary Gods or spirits of the sky, or Earth, or whatever: these ritualistic gatherings would have many functions for tribes. I imagine that concerts and big parties and raves, work in much the same way today.

We are indeed, fucked up animals.

The studio is going rather well. Niall and I have begun making tunes! We've been setting up gear and getting into a comfortable creative flow in there.

Gemma, my (soon to be ex) flatmate has just moved out of the house. So a room at chez Chadwick is up for grabs. Very sad to see her go, we had some great times and she's altogether very lovely, but she's going to be doing well for herself in Dublin, which is awesome!

I am going to Electric Picnic next weekend. Ye ha!! ... and so on. I'll be staying in Dublin a couple of days before and then heading up to ol' Mully (Sligo, where my parents have a bungalow) for a couple of days after the festival. Proper good times, innit?

Hexxed have some gigs lined up and some promo schtuff shall been happening, combined with a few not-so-great / mixed reviews. Basically, for the most part, people hate my vocals on the Hexxed album, which has been a little hurtful. I've never received "serious" criticism for my vocals before, so it's a new experience for me.

I don't want to dwell on it. The future is looking good for Hexxed, as far as I can see. My voice has changed quite considerably since those recording sessions anyway (this is what happens when you spend 4 hours, every week for a year, screaming your lungs out) and the band has moved on quite a bit too.

Aye, so... Nearing the end of this year of sobriety and how do I feel?

Well, I guess I'm doing fine (as old Beck would say).

I've just re-read this blog entry, which was written about 3 months into this thing and it lists many positive things that came with not drinking. These things still stand: I'm probably more active with music related stuff, more organised, clearer and less depressed or paranoid.

On the other hand, there's a not-so-peachy side to things: Maybe I'm taking the benefits for granted, or maybe I've changed recently, or maybe I'm just going through a bit of a bad patch, but I think socialising hasn't really become easier for me. If anything it's harder. I put alot of this down to my recent job: I work nights and don't see people. My rota means my days off are odd and I spend my time off trying to focus on music stuff and I tend to miss all these cool sounding gigs and get-togethers that I get invited to.

I think a part of me has become quite misanthropic to some human beings and I don't like that in myself: it's kinda pathetic and I'd prefer to believe that I've grown out of all that sour faced angst and huffiness. Though when I look into this, I think it's mostly tied up with my job: My unsociable hours and missing out on the social activities that have made me much happier of late.

Hmmm. It's just a phase, I'm almost certain of it.

I'm hoping to change my job and even move away from Belfast very soon, so perhaps while I'm clinging on to that hope - for big changes in my future - I'm a bit up and down.

I miss my friends, some have moved away and some I just haven't been able to see in ages. I hate the thought that much of the positive effects of staying sober for nearly a year are being hindered by a simple lack of interaction with folk.

On the plus side, at least I've been able to write about all this and so therefore get a reasonable grasp on it, instead of crumbling into a pile of anti-social bitterness.

And on another note... I'm away to Electric Picnic next weekend, tay fawk leek!! Wa? Yeeeeeoooooo!!!!!!!!

Day 301

2010-08-27T04:43:00.003+01:00

That's right folks, I missed my chance to blog DAY 300 of being sober.

YAY!! 301 days sober!!

... Go me. And such.

Well that's all for now.

Day 280 - 40 Weeks Sober!

2010-08-06T09:14:00.003+01:00

Not much to say this morning, I'm not long in from my forth night shift in a row. Sober as a judge who doesn't watch Judge Judy... And loving it.

Anyway, I wanted to tweet / Faeces Boke the following little bit of revelation and clarity, but the text limitations on those sites forbade it, no matter how succinct I tried to be. so I am posting it here, my official rant-space-which-requires-a-slightly-longer-investment-of-your-thoughts-and-time.

Here you go:

I'm reading Moab Is My Washpot by Stephen Fry at the moment, and on the bus this morning I got through pages 251 - 260. Around there he makes a few points about being gay, or more specifically about people who think they have any right making judgments on what others get up to with their dangly bits and it's like a revelation to me. Such a simple point and bizarre that I never really considered it before actually: " ...parking your dick up an arse, slurping at a helmet, whipping, frotting, peeing, pooing, squatting like a dog, dressing up in plastic and leather - all these go on in the world of boy and girl, too: and let's be clear about this, they go on more - the numbers make it so. Go into a sex shop, skim some pornography, browse the Internet for a time, talk to someone in the sex industry. You think homosexuality is disgusting? Then it follows, it follows as the night the day, that you find sex disgusting, for there is nothing done between two men or two women that is, by any objective standard, different from that which is done between a man and a woman." Thank you Mr. Fry, you fucking rock!

And that's about all I have to say at the moment. I'm off work for four days now, so I'm going to sleep a little, meet my sister for a bit of banter in Carrick and then spend the rest of the weekend in my studio! Yippee!!

Day 276

2010-08-02T23:14:00.003+01:00

So it's been a wee while. Aye.

I'm still sober. Been out a few times, hanging with drinkers and smokers and I must say, at times it's been a challenge. I hate being one of those non-smokers that Bill Hicks hated so much, but it does get annoying having your air filled with the minging fumes of other people's cigarettes, especially when you've made the effort to sit outside in the evening, hoping to soak up some cool, fresh, summer breeze. Aside from that, watching the social lubricating effects alcohol has on people, especially new people I'd like to get to know, as well as new people I'm getting to know, feels a little frustrating at times.

It doesn't, however, make me want to drink again. In fact, I'm more resolute than ever, that after my year of sobriety, I'm going to continue abstaining. It just gets me into wondering about alcohol and socialising and how much of the human race relies on being, in some way "removed" from their normal state of mind, to be able to function around other people for longer periods of time.

Maybe it's a type of transference on my part, but do people find it hard to tolerate each other, or tolerate large social gatherings for extended periods of time (over 4 or 5 hours)? Is it a quality of humanity, that we are actually alot more misanthropic than we care to admit to ourselves?

Or perhaps it's a cultural thing. In many western / European countries, where 'social drinking' is very popular, perhaps there are also other social conditioning factors that ultimately lead us (whether directly or indirectly) to needing booze in order to be around others.

As I say, this may well be my own baggage coming through here and not a phenomenon that has been studied or recognised.

A very important revelation occurred for me recently, after having been exposed to medium sized groups of people socialising and drinking. I've now realised that my social insecurities, paranoia, misanthropy, cynicism, depression, whatever you want to call it, stems from how I feel about myself and how I let myself respond to these feelings.

This should be fairly obvious and something I've addressed before, except, all the "addressing" and discussion of these obvious facts does not make them disappear when it comes to real interactions with people.

Change in mentality comes from experience and this is the positive aspect of what I have learnt very recently: Being comfortable with who I am and being around people who accept me, immediately breaks down all the negative barriers put up, which then take on all sorts of complicated and miserable forms of justification (paranoia: "they don't like me", low self-esteem: "I'm not good enough to be here", internal reactions against these feelings: "I can't be bothered with these people", "these people aren't good enough for me" etc.)

Again, this isn't some mind-blowing revelation, the only difference is that in very recent times, I've actually believed that I have been accepted by those around me and felt comfortable in myself.

So I think from this we have to ask: How do make ourselves believe that we are accepted, or how do we accept ourselves? And how do we make ourselves feel comfortable in any given social situation? How do we allow ourselves to behave how we want and not feel that there will be some sort of punishment / judgement for this behaviour?

Well, I think I've maybe went quite deep with all this for now, so perhaps I'll leave it there, but needless to say, it's obvious that the above definitely is very specific to me and maybe not something a lot of people are going to be able to relate to. I'd love to hear from anyone reading that would have opinions to share (as always).

So ... CHANGING THE CHANNEL...

In other news, been in London recently and had a lovely time, went to the Saatchi Gallery which was very enjoyable, also had a very nice picnic with new and interesting people.

Meanwhile I got myself a studio space sorted out, up in Dunmurray.

Here's a wee snap:

It's a great place with some cool people and I'm looking forward to spending more time there, with all my gear, which is already set up in one of the rooms. I've been lucky to have a pretty decent sized room that fits all my guitars, speakers, effects, racks etc. and Niall's electronic drum kit, which I'm hoping to practice on. Niall and I plan to get some tunes of the electronic variety on the go too.

I'm very pleased with this spot for sure. I'm hoping this will get my creative frame of mind in some new places.

Meanwhile Hexxed are playing the Limelight, this Wednesday, supporting Katatonia (swedish moody metal band) along with Stand-Up Guy. Having been away in England so much recently, I feel it's been ages since I've seen the Hexxed guys, (it's about 2 weeks) but I know this gig is going to be class. We've a lovely, short, punchy set for it, with stuff from the new album.

Oh and I got my hair cut. Yay!

Well that's all for now. Phew!

Byeeeeeeeeeee

Day 245 - 35 Weeks

2010-07-02T06:08:00.005+01:00

Yep, nothing much new to report: Sleeping pattern is totally upside down now. I'm failing miserably trying to fight it.

Bought a bike and started cycling to work, but got a puncture already! I'll sort that out in the next day or ... four...

I would like to discuss some stuff that kicked off via careless Facebook comments and a very strong reaction to it from a whole lot of people, which then attracted the attention of a couple of significant related groups and a small newspaper. This then prompted person responsible for said comments to retract them and apologise completely, offering to give money from his business to charity, in a massively 180 degree turn unseen in my lifetime! All of which was actually kicked off by myself merely mentioning it somewhere, in an attempt to draw attention to it.

I would like to discuss that, but I won't because it's big headed of me to say "I started all this" and starting it was a very tiny part in the whole thing, as it really did snowball quite quickly into something that got a lot of people talking. All I will say is that I have now seen how positive activism can be a bloody good thing and the experience of getting involved in it with like minded people, sharing ideas and making things happen, is incredibly rewarding and most of all... Fun!

In other news, hugs, cuddles and stuff. Oh my! ... err... but less of that sort of thing around these parts.

So I'm quietly excited about a few things at the moment.

(yippee)

Day 237

2010-06-24T05:06:00.001+01:00

Looking out the window at 4:30am here in work, I see the pale blue and cloudy sky over the silhouette of the mountains and it's beautiful.

Every night I work here I am so lucky to see a beautiful sunset and sunrise, through these large windows I get a great panoramic view of it all.

It's something I try not to take for granted, but I do.

My sleeping pattern is fucked. It's partly my own lazy ways: I won't push myself through the grip of sleep if I don't have anything immediately pressing to get out of bed for. So, many of my days off I'll happily sleep for 10 or more hours. This is pretty disgraceful. However, my body seems to do it happily, so maybe a part of me needs that rest.

I suspect it's the response to this almost, jet lag type behaviour with my work shifts and days off. My body clock is trying to cope and as it tries to adjust, there comes a point where it just would rather sleep it off, very heavily.

On the other hand, maybe it is nothing more than pure, bone-idle laziness on my part?

Depression is a word that's been floating around me recently. I can't just walk out on this job, what else am I going to do? I ain't working in no fucking call centre again, that's for sure.

OK. Things that will help:

Pursuing a studio space. Definitely an immediate priority, the list of reasons is long and benefits many, I reckon. Basically I want my own little spot for making noise without fear of neighbours or flatmates. It'll also get me into a completely different frame of mind towards music related work.

Getting a bike. Exercise will help with depression, maybe help me sleep less and save money on bus fairs.

Keep looking for jobs in the field I'm interested in, or failing that, keep busy with creative projects that are rewarding.

Good things of late:

Hexxed gig in Dublin went really well. Some good feedback too. General Hexxed hanging out and banter has been top notch!

YoYo DJs on Blast FM was quite fun, lots of air time to discuss our night and have a bit of a laugh. I really enjoyed it!

A recent "illegal picnic" in the middle of a undisclosed location ;)

Very good times! Even completely sober, I loved this.

Recording songs with Sean for our new Post-Lotion project. Sounding pretty good so far.

OK. Enough "sharing"...

Day 221

2010-06-08T23:29:00.003+01:00

Here at work, 23:30, someone just drove up to the gate, waited for ages, then got out of their car, started dancing around in the rain, singing a bit, then got in the car and drove off again. It was like they were waiting to see if anyone was here and would they react to this behaviour. The answer: No. I'll stay dry, safe and warm indoors, while getting some clear footage of your mug on CCTV! Thanks all the same. I wonder if they'll be back.

I started here on 4th May 2010. So I've been doing this 4 nights on / 4 nights off rota for a month. Yet, every 2nd night I'm on, I feel incredibly bummed and frustrated with all of it. I don't know why, I guess it could be a tiredness thing, or something to do with re-adjusting back into the swing of it. Without fail, I just end up feeling depressed.

Tonight I toyed with the idea of moving away from Belfast. The feeling of being free to explore a new place, instead of feeling stuck in a rut. This new job has been a great improvement over my last one, but this really isn't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life!

How much longer am I going to let myself do what I don't want to?

How do I get myself into the position where I am free to do what I want?

Could I just take off, abandon this place, wing it in a new country and maybe things would just fall into place?

I could try and get a job in another country. Any job. Any country. Just to get out of here. Just because I want the change so badly.

But then what?

A new place, but another shit job, no friends...

If I was to get a job, then a place to stay, THEN I could bring all my shit over there. All my guitars, my music gear. A new place...

But would anything be different?
Would I then "let myself" do all these things I want to do now?
Or would I just make excuses about having no time and realise nothing had changed at all?

... It's possible it would be a massive failure...

But then again, there's only one way to find out!

This is all exciting stuff, but let's rewind here, there are still 3 small things to sort out:

1. Where am I going?
2. What am I going to do when I get there?
3. Where will I stay?

Maybe I just need a holiday.

Day 216 - [CONCLUDED]

2010-06-03T07:54:00.002+01:00

... well that decision was the right one!

I went for the rush-for-the-bus option and caught the other bus (I hadn't noticed on the time table) at 07:12. I ended up making it to my front door by 07:40! Normally I'm not home until 08:30! Getting home nearly an hour earlier is quite significant and has cheered me up no end!

Only thing I will have to change: Footwear! Running for a bus in heavy duty work shoes is quite sore: Converse in future! That'll shave another minute or so off the time it takes to get from work to the bus stop, which will be good.

OK, so enough of this thinking out loud stuff.

Basically, I just also wanted to add, how amazing it is for me, to connect with people. It's got to have something to do with the fact that I've been single for a fair few months now, but I think it also has something to do with being sober. Without drugs or drink to cause that shadow over my mind, I rejoice a lot more in making "real" connections with "real" things. I.e. people! And their interesting minds.

Honestly, it seems a little weird, but when I stumble upon a blog or a piece of literature where someone has expressed some interesting thoughts that click with me, I'm nearly overwhelmed with joy. For example: I really love this comic The idea of incremental steps is something that has, in part, been the basis of EVERYTHING I've done, over the last few years of my life. It's all a bit corny: But there's just a real joy from realising there are people out there who can express the things that I constantly think about but never find a way of sharing.

So I guess that is what encouraged todays stream of consciousness blogginess. So apologies, but you should direct your disapproval towards that comic. Or towards these other nuggets of wonderfully insightful thoughts

Day 216 - [CONTINUED]

2010-06-03T06:29:00.002+01:00

So I am about to leave work and I have two choices: I finish at 7am, but the first bus doesn't get here until 7:30am. This bus will get me into town about 8am. However, I could make a mad dash to the next nearest bus stop, where there will be a bus at 7:16am and it will arrive in the City Centre (my destination) at 7:48, but it might take me 15 minutes to get there. The next bus from there will be 7:31.

The question is: Do I want to wait around here for 30 mintes, or make a mad dash to another bus stop, which in the end might not save me any time anyway.

Y'see to me there are pros and cons for both: Namely, I don't want to hang around here for 30 minutes, because doing "nothing" annoys me. And the idea of the mad dash means I get a bit of a run!

On the other hand, most sensible people would say "what's the point of rushing? You're not going to save anytime in the long run?" which is why I would normally go with that thinking, go get a cuppa tea and then casually stroll out to the bus stop.

The thing is, this is the last of my 4 nights in a row (I work 4 on / 4 off) and the excitement of getting home and getting off for 4 days is filling me with more enthusiasm for the run-for-the-bus-for-no-real-reason....

Decisions, decisions.

Day 216 - Me ... On TV!

2010-06-03T00:28:00.002+01:00

In case you missed it, here is the performance I did with Quire for the finale of BBC1's Art Space programme. It'll only be available for a week or so (and I won't be allowed to upload my own copy later), so in the words of Snopp Dogg, drop it like it's hot. And by that I mean, err... Click on the embedded window below and watch the clip!

Cheers :)

Day 215

2010-06-02T02:16:00.002+01:00

Howdy people. I have now been sober 215 days. I am feeling good. My new job has been great, although is it bad if I am now resorting to snorting water to try and get some moisture into that area of my face? Yes, the security control room I spend my time in here is quite stuffy, warm and dry. The fan does little to help. Though, that is generally the extent of my worries. There's a stunning view from here of the Belfast City Airport and the mountains. The fact that this place is sort of, out of the way, also means a general lack of tracksuited little hoodlums trying to reak their carefree havoc onto anything not nailed into titanium.

In the unlikely event that I haven't spammed you all to death with my new website, you can have a look at it here: www.martinbyrnemusic.co.uk

I think it looks great and I'm quite proud of my internet acumen in making it look so flashy and nice, in preparation for the tonnes of traffic generated by my appearance on national television tomorrow!

What's that you say? Marty are you going to be on TV, that most distinguished of multi-media portals?

Why yes! Yes I am. I shall be performing a short piece of music alongside a group known as Quire, who are a choir of singers made up of LGBT people (that's Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual and Transgendered people for the uninitiated.) The group and I were asked to collaborate on a piece for the BBC 1 TV show Art Space. It's for the final episode of the series and it will be on BBC 1 Northern Ireland, tomorrow night (Wednesday) at 10:45pm. It'll also be on the BBC Iplayer for a week after that.

Working with the choir was definitely a fun experience. We didn't actually have as much time to prepare for the show that I might have liked, but it was understandable considering how many people were involved and how hard it is to arrange times for all these people to play together, when we all have day jobs and other commitments to manage too. However, disclaimers aside, I think the piece we put together was great and our TV performance will hopefully have captured that well.

Watch it, even if only to see me fluff yet another live interview. (I just don't do this whole "speaking" thing very well.)

So what else?

The Qube gig at the Black Box was much fun. I think it was our strongest yet. There was a sense of catastrophe about it, but the performances and playing were spot on, full of conviction and the whole vibe of the evening was relaxed and fun. Qube is about playing challenging music and performances, I felt this gig achieved that really well, without being too uptight or pretentious. And it was great to get my purple dress out of the wardrobe again (it's been almost 2 years since I last wore it.)

YoYo News: First proper night at Slide went quite well. I was having doubts at some points, but at the end of the night, we realised it was definitely a success. We just need to keep getting the word about and getting regular punters down. Slide is a great wee spot, it's a shame more people don't know about it. It's a great venue inside too. Combined with Niall and I's awesome DJ playlists (but of course), YoYo should really be rammed every month. We shall see...

Hexxed news: Dublin gig, Saturday June 12th at the Twisted Pepper.

Other newsy news things of news worthy newsness: Ummm well, covered the new job, the gigs and stuff... Hmm... Yea, that's about it.

Gathering some ideas and forming things of a certain nature, at the moment for future plans, but I don't want to speak of any of this until it's a bit more solid, except to say, that I am very much liking the idea of getting more organised with all things music related.

And sobriety: It all goes well. I really don't envy people who deal with side effects, hangovers and all the pain associated with partying. I don't miss it at all. Of late, I feel I have missed out on some very cool gigs, but that was due to work and money, usual story. Anyway, hopefully with the new job (and a rota that I can plan my life around) and a bit more pay, I can plan to see more of the local stuff going on.

It seems there are a few really cool bands / acts happening in N.I / R.O.I recently too. Yes, I want to be one of the scenster, hipster, cool-as-ferk kids, for a change. Except for the naff haircuts and blood clot inducing tight jeans, it looks like fun!

Day 194

2010-05-12T02:38:00.000+01:00

So happeninininininings of late:

Well the big news is…

I am now very chuffed to have ditched G4S in favour of a proper permanent job with another security company. I’ll be working nights at a new site, but on this particular rota I can see what dates I’ll be working, months in advance! I can plan my life around my job!

This is very nice.

Along with this, the new job actually gives me some responsibility and a sensible number of things to do, so that I feel I am actually of some use there!

(the pay is a little more too)

Other good things…

Been hanging out with some people recently, having nice, chilled, casual coffee sessions and good old fashioned banter. This has been great for my general wellbeing: It’s just very nice to have real friends and hang out.

I got to see two very lovely people tie the knot and enjoyed having yummy cake and getting to say hello to the Hippos In The Shower crew. Congrats Geoff and Camel!

Song writing with Sean is going very well, we’ve got 7 songs under our belt now. There are some frickin’ corkers too. I can’t wait for this project to flourish into a full band, but writing the songs is a real enjoyable experience too.

Later today I play a gig with QUBe at the Black Box. This should be fun / interesting / a bit bonkers. Come on down!

Tonight I was at my dad’s 60th Birthday party and it was a big family get together. Good fun. I was most chuffed to get to hang out with my aunt and uncle from the US, who apparently have been reading this here blog, all the way from Nashville! Hey guys! Thanks for keeping up with it! Gee, this internet thing is very clever isn’t it?

I am ging to be on the final episode of a BBC 1 TV show called Art Space
soon, doing my solo vocal thing with my Kaoss Pad. Except I’m not going to be solo… Well you’ll see it soon. It should air around early June. Keep ‘em peeled.

And finally…

Hexxed played a forkin’ blinder on Saturday at the Spring & Airbrake, as part of the Decade of Aggression / Distortion Project all-day Metal Fest. We were one of the three headlining acts, so a pretty decent spot at a very well attended, reasonably high profile gig. Not bad for the band’s first in 5 years (and my first with Hexxed, ever!)

Hexxed practiced our asses off for this gig; we put a lot of hours in and got ourselves on the ball for it, so I’m pleased to say we all performed very well. The BBC also recorded the gig for the radio, so that should be surfacing soon too. I noticed there were a few photographers down the front also, so I’m interested in seeing some of those ROCK shots!

Great vibes among team Hexxed at the moment and in general, besides being totally skint these last couple of weeks (bank charges, argh!!) life is bloody good.

Day 182 - WEEK 26 - HALF WAY POINT!!!

2010-04-30T03:16:00.002+01:00

So I've been sober for 6 months now! I've made half a year without a drop of booze, a slip of liquer or a smattering of beer...?

And what better way to have celebrated this bit of a milestone than at the first Yo Yo night @ Slide, tonight! Niall and I did the 80s theme with proper professional joy! We had ALL the songs people wanted. Every request (except maybe two) we had and there were a lot of requests! I'd say it was about a 90% success rate, as far as that's concerned, but the place was buzzing, it was filled, people were singing along to their favourites and shaking their "thang". It was a massive success and I'm so very damn chuffed!

Other than that... Meh. I don't know. I can't think of much else to say. Things are going damn well at the moment, even though I'm not exactly in the most comfortable financial place, I'm quite happy right now.

So... Here's to another 6 months of sobriety (raises glass... of blackcurrant cordial).

Cheers!! :)

Day 175 - 25 weeks

2010-04-23T20:58:00.002+01:00

1 week away from the halfway point. Good schtuff!

So I have some pretty damn good news:

I start a new job on 3rd May! It's with another security company, but it will be fulltime hours on a permanent site. I'll know what nights I'll be working, potentially months in advance! I can plan my life around my job again and not be stressed out month to month, wondering if I'm going to get enough hours in to cover my bills. This job also pays a bit more money too.

It may mean the end of this, but some sacrifices have to be made and I've had a lot of fun making that stuff. I'm sure I'll find other ways to do covert audio/video shenanigans. I'm still uploading HD versions of all those videos using Vimeo (instead of youTube), so keep checking out the older posts if you're interested.

Hexxed progress on the visuals is looking great. We've been able to discuss all our technical issues for the gig with the organisers and it looks like we'll be practicing hard on the set, right up to the gig itself. I can't wait.

YoYo is taking shape too. Niall and I are already making plans for our monthly nights right through the Summer. Follow us on Twitter or Facebook and come down to our night at Slide. It's going to be awesome. Chilled, but groovy, leftfield and upbeat and all round good shit for the last Thursday of every month!

Sean & Myself are making very nice progress on writing riffage. 6 songs in the bag. Soon it will be time to expand the clutches of our dark arts... Err... Or something.

OK, that's enough for nay, so it is.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Day 173 - THIS IS A BIT CHEEKY...

2010-04-21T20:28:00.004+01:00

... But desperate times call for desperate measures:

I'm selling my audio PC. It's a decent spec. comes with loads of excellent music software (and plugins) installed, Windows XP, Microsoft Office etc. If you're interested give me a shout!!

Anyway more details here.

Now back to regular blogging...

Stuff and things and stuff has been happening. Things indeedy.
More on this later.

Also!!!

It's fast approaching the half way point in this here Sober For A Year challenge. So that means on 30th April 2010 (around 1am) I'll have been sober for half a year. That's 182 days. That's frankly nucking futs! I can't believe it's been that long. I remember saying "oh look it's 100 days, wow, already?" but that was, almost 100 days ago!! Pretty chuffed with getting this far. It would be awesome to get some more donations, or attention directed to this here thing in the second half. Or some sort of new angle or something.

Lots of people have been saying they'll donate, but seem to have missed getting round to it, so I urge y'all again to please, dig deep. 'Mon 'da 'fuhk lads (and lasses). Tis for a good cause and all that!!

Thankees.

Bye for now. :)

Day 171

2010-04-19T01:19:00.005+01:00

So what's been happening of late?

Night shifts generally making me hate everything.

On the plus side:

Hexxed CD orders are well on under way. The band is knuckling down for the upcoming Distortion Project gig in May. We've been making progress with our live visuals and today we did a photo shoot with the much cool Marc Hurley. Things are moving along with Hexxed quite swimmingly.

Niall and I have got our Yo Yo night organised and have started promoting it around Belfast. Flyers look lovely! (Thanks Joel and me bro, James!)

Recorded with the QUBe guys. Quite pleased with the results.

Been listening to loads of nice musics recently...

Had a couple of fun days out with friends.

Yup. I'm really struggling with this list here, aren't I?

What can I say? Work has been making me feel out of sorts and it's been hard to pull myself into line and get on with things. Part of me has also been pining to get some "me time" as far as music projects and stuff go. Feel a bit like I'm doing a lot of stuff for lots of different people, but really, what's in it for me?

All this working for free is keeping me busy, sure, but is the balance between: Things that are fun and satisfying AND things that will actually benefit me, financially or down the line, being addressed to any extent?

Or am I just carrying on like it's all a hobbie?

I had to stop and ask myself recently: Do I actually enjoy all of this? What do I expect to get out of it? And I think there are heavy answers. The important thing is to enjoy the things that are basically meant to be fun (and creative), otherwise there really is no point continuing with them.

On the other hand, what about my future? I keep finding ways to avoid dealing with "plans". Why am I sabotaging myself? Am I just being lazy? Just lacking self-belief?

... In the meantime, I need to stop stressing out over all these things. Work and being on my own all the time doesn't feel healthy. I've been chasing my tail a bit too much.

I need to get out more!!

But I can't afford it...

Then I need a better job!

But then I won't have time to go out...

ETC. ETC. ETC...

le sigh.

:'(

Day 168

2010-04-16T02:08:00.001+01:00

Right, a few things I could update about, but first and foremost I want to get something off my chest. Facebook and Twitter updates are too small, so this is where I must vent my spleen!

Microsoft peeves: Hotmail. Pressing "Reply" to an email and the previous email content doesn't show. Especially irritating when I want to Forward an email to someone else!!! Why else would I press forward if I didn't want the person receiving the email to see the feckin' content!!!!?!?!?!? ! MSN. Randomly signs itself in every 10 or 15 minutes or so. What, and indeed, the fuck is all that about? Vista. Asking me TWICE for permissions to change some files. TWICE?!!! I am the only person with access to this computer, why do I need to give myself permission at all?!! Just a few of the things that make me hate Microsoft. Thanks for stopping by.

I'll have more not-so-complainy stuff to say later.

For now... Ta ta!

EDIT: Whoops!! Bit of a Calendar fuck up there. Today is in fact Day 168. Move along! Nothing more to see here. *sidesteps away sheepishly*

Day 157

2010-04-07T09:13:00.004+01:00

Not much to say other than the obvious:

Yep. I'm still sober! Still rocking the non-alcoholism. Still reaping the benefits and seeing no downside to it whatsoever.

Yep. I still hate my shitty job.
After the recent week I wrote about, of awesome coolness and many great creative things, this last week of night shifts has worn me down and made me pretty miserable actually.

I've applied for a few other jobs and had one call back yesterday, it's another security job, but hopefully something more permanent so I can structure my time around it properly. We'll see. Not getting my hopes up though, as the dreaded "RETAIL SECURITY" was mentioned and I'm not interested in that, not for love nor money. Well unless the money was ludicrous, like £20 an hour, then I'd probably do it alright.

So being deflated and demotivated at work, I've not done much music or creative stuffage, though I have been writing a bit, mostly terrible (comedy) lyrics and whacky shenanigans like that. It's a laugh-hoot riot a minute at work, I can tell ye! I definitely think the job is slowly making me ... I was going to say "a wee bit mad" but, lets face it, I'm already a wee bit mad, that's been established. The job is taking what little sanity I have left! There. I think that's a fairer way of saying it.

Sigh.

Right. Time for a few hours kip. Some nice things to look forward to at least: Tonight some jammage and new tune writing with the Baps of Huggington, Friday some recording with our trio in QUBe and Sunday Hexxed practice. Maybe FHO practice on Saturday too.

Oh. That reminds me!

How could I possibly forget?! *smirk*

The Hexxed album: The Synapse Collision, is now available to order from our official website!
http://hexxed.co.uk/ Get on over there to hear some samples and to order yourself a copy... NAY!!!

The packaging and artwork is really something special, I'm not just saying that: it's a beautiful product! I've had little to do with any of this and must say that Owen and Steve seemed to have done much of the hard work of getting the CDs sorted, but I'm still really proud to be involved.

The Distortion Project gig at the Spring & Airbrake in May will be a ... memorable... event, me thinks.

Day 147

2010-03-28T18:44:00.004+01:00

So I'm back in work, at this particular site, that I wrote about once before.

This time the issue appears to be another day guard, a fella around my own age, who emenates this extreme "f**k you" attitude. I've absolutely no idea why he behaves towards me this way, if it's just me, or if he is an enormous coque towards all his colleagues, but it's gotten to the point where, when I see him in the morning, I make sure my interaction with him is minimal.

In fact, the last couple of times I've been here, I've deliberately made a point of saying nothing more than, "Ok, that's me off then, see ya later." To which he has responded nothing, naturally.

This morning was no different, so now I'm back in for another night shift and what do I see in the log book? Some wank about "previous guard never informed me off... blah, blah, I'm a wab and someone needs to slap me, whinge, whinge..." shite.

What is this dude's problem? Seriously.

I'm raging here. I really don't understand, how after so little actual interaction with this prick, he's managed to make me hate him so much and likewise, I appear to have caused a similar response in him.

But like...

He started it.

He's the one apparently incapable of showing any acknowledgement, tact or respect to fellow colleagues. Which is surely a simple basic requirement of any job? I made the effort the first few times I worked here to engage him politely and he clearly had no interest in reciprocating.

Grrr. It really gets me goat when people are just dick heads for. No. Apparent. F**king. Reason!

I don't like humans.

EDIT: In other news, I'm more than medicating my annoyance by now having a bit of a Meat Beat Manifesto fest via youtube. This video for Helter Skelter 97 is quite cool, I feel somewhat naive now, for believing the Matrix was the first piece of film to use this multi-camera "bullet time" effect.

Day 146

2010-03-27T01:35:00.003Z

I have had a pretty cool last few days.

Sunday - Carousel at the Black Box. Excellent gig, loads of lovely people, both performing onstage and in the audience! I got to lead two songs and felt my contribution was really appreciated. There's nothing better than performing with musicians, especially in that relaxed, friendly environment. It's one of the few times where I forget all my nerves of performing in front of people, because I'm so engrossed in enjoying what other people are doing, listening to them and focusing on my response. A real pleasure.

Not sure if I mentioned it before, but basically Carousel is an improvisation gig, with a large group of musicians positioned around the audience. A musician is chosen to start off a piece, which is usually one of their own songs, or some sort of spare of the moment musical idea, and the others join in. When the song finds some sort of ending, another musician is chosen to lead and so on.

Monday - Some good progress made on ideas for the new monthly night Niall and I are organising in the city centre. Followed by the comedy night at the Pavilion. Ummm...
...Well it got me out of the house for a couple of hours.

Tuesday - Awesome fun at La Boca's open mic night, with Kaoss Pad vocal shenanigans and collaborating on totally improvised stuff with the very cool Rachel Austin.

Wednesday - QUBe practice, with some fun and games. Followed by a quite pleasing (and enriching) concert of original compositions by the students of Queen's School of Music. Some lovely pieces. The odd one or two seemed a bit shy or restrained and there was a piece that was badly out of tune, but overall I really enjoyed it. Plus it was free.

This was followed by some damn fine riffage and song writing with my good buddy Sean (from Lotion). Another band on the way? That'll make it about 6, I think.

Thursday - Another quite enriching day of hanging out, being very chilled, yet incredibly creative, making many interesting vocal recordings with the awesome Caroline Pugh at the Platform Art Gallery (very reverby), taking full advantage of our boxes of tricks and of course the space itself.

Then some nice burgers, fruit and general chilledness with another great friend.

Friday - Fragile Human Organs practice. A hard slog today, but good to get back on the ball with the live set up. Lots of dismantled stands, clamps and old drum kits(!)

Meanwhile all week I've been getting back into working on the sound for the animation series "Haven" by Crucible Pictures, with the new niceness of working from Paul's (the writer / director) office in the city centre. This is absolutely great and it is helping me get more structure in my week! Also, all week I thought I had lost my wee broadband dongle thing, but got it back again this evening, so that means I can start sending emails and apply for jobs from Paul's place too.

So more FHO practice tomorrow (when I get up after this night shift I'm doing right now of course) and then Hexxed practice on Sunday!

Said it before, but even moreso this week, it feels really good to be busy and to feel there is structure in my days and time to do the things my soul is crying out for.

Life is good.

Day 141

2010-03-21T13:59:00.004Z

Ha ha!

I sound so weak on the Feile FM thing. Oh dear. At the time I was completely unprepared, I didn't have much of an idea of how the interview was going to pan out, but on reflection, I should have made some notes and lead the conversation a bit more myself. Instead James (the Feile FM DJ) seems to be trying really hard to get a word out of me. Lots of mumbling and nerves. Yikes!

God. I hope I don't normally communicate like this with people.

Anyway, if you want to endure the slight awkwardness, you can listen to it yourself on here:
http://thevinnyshow.podomatic.com/entry/2010-03-09T10_40_08-08_00 (I'm on about 32 minutes in).

Also, I've been to justgiving.com and it seems my "widget" for letting all you lovely people donate to this here Sober For A Year thing is definitely ferked. As it's also not showing up properly on their website. So in the meantime I've just stuck a "badge" which you can also click. This will bring you straight to the Just Giving page where you can donate. All is grand, then.

Well, what's the happy-haps? I got back from Dublin early on Friday morning there, the studio basically decided that there wasn't enough work on Friday to justify me travelling down from Belfast, only to leave at 4:30pm anyway. Which was fine really.

I was given some final tips and people to chase up on my last day and got to hang out with the lads over a sandwich, listening to their stories of St. Paddy's Day shenanigans. Good times!

I'm now pretty keen to get on with chasing up some of these new leads and I reckon Post-Production is something I'd be quite comfortable doing as a full time job. To me, it seems like it's creative enough to be fulfilling, challenging and varied enough every day, yet it's also working with tools I'm quite comfortable with, so the stress levels of big projects and big clients would be more than manageable. I was expecting more clients in Dublin to be uptight and difficult to work with, just because that's the general image I tend to have of these big companies, but I was pleasently surprised. The clients that I seen were all quite experienced in doing this type of work, so they knew how to work alongside the post-production guys at the studio. There were good vibes generally. There was only one session that I was asked not to sit on because that particular client was pretty stroppy and from what I was told, I was glad to avoid that situation, but other than that: yes, I was convinced I could do well in this role, so it's great to see it for what it is.

There was such a good atmosphere at pretty much all of the sessions. A bit of fun and of course there's pressure, but people are all working towards the same thing, so it's a good pressure, it's exciting. All the sessions I sat in on, had people who were good banter. It says a lot for how the studio has established itself and their work history too I'm sure, I imagine some of the attitude from clients is to do with the very lush surroundings too and then of course a big part of it is the attitude of the post-production guys who have been building a rapport with their clients for upto 20 years!

So back in Belfast I've been working nights this weekend.
Today I'm doing some 'voice acting' for a mate's portfolio in Music Technology.
I was meant to be playing a gig at the Black Box tonight, but I think I'm now too late to be on the bill ... Still sorta waiting to hear about that.

In other awesomeness... My good friend (and Hexxed bandmate) Niall and I have been given the go ahead on a new monthly night in the City Centre! We're going to be DJ-ing and running the night ourselves, which is pretty sweet. We're both quite excited and keen to make it a big success, so I'm sure I'll be updating more about that soon!

Oh and the BBC might want me to do some live vocal + Kaoss Pad performance stuff for a TV show. Still waiting to hear about that though.

Meanwhile the other music projects are ploughing on. I've been neglecting my Doctor Lilt / solo electronic stuff a bit, though last night in work I made another .... 'song'.... erm... yea... Possibly a Grupo4 piece. We'll see...

That's all for now. Toodle pip.

Day 136

2010-03-16T18:51:00.002Z

136 days sober and also I just noticed, 21 weeks off the fags today. *Exudes smugness*

In other news, I'm in Belfast until Thursday, then two more days at ze studio in Dublin and then that's probably me done there. I love the place, I like the work, I want to work in Post-Production, for sure. So if anything good has come from my work experience it's that I'm now a bit clearer with what I now want to do with myself, in the near future.

Meanwhile, bits and bobs to do in Belfast...

Day 134

2010-03-14T22:06:00.002Z

Back in Belfast for a bit, back to Dublin tomorrow and Tuesday.

Just wanted to say that it appears the Just Giving widget on this here website is borked. Not sure what to advise, if you were planning on donating you can always leave a comment here and I'll arrange something, I'm sure there is some way I can get the money directly to SANE.

That's about all for now.

Keep 'er lit.

Day 131 / Dublin Day 4

2010-03-11T18:49:00.004Z

The last couple of days were fine. I didn't have much more than that to say yesterday, so I didn't bother updating this here blogg-i-thon-mc-bloggy.

I've sat in on some more sessions, met a load of really interesting people, seen all sorts of great work from professionals in the industry, drank lots of coffee, ate loads of chocolate eclairs and today I actually got to help out on a session! We did some foley for an advert that's to be finished tomorrow. So that was cool. It's also nice that every session is quite different, depending on the clients and the work they want done. I'd like to be able to say, "there's never a dull moment", but in fairness, one particular business podcast recording had me really struggling to stay awake. Hence the need for chewy things (something to do with my mouth) and coffee (endurance levels enhancer)!

I've seen some minor celebs coming in for ADR and voice over stuff too. As a lot of the work is for advertising, I have heard some quite unique combinations of words in sentences, like: "the cheese needs to be more enthusiastic", or "more warmth on the word 'ham', if you could." etc. But to be fair, it's all good craic really.

I'm getting to work here next week too, so I'm definitely coming back on Monday and Tuesday. It seems that anyone who is actually from Dublin actually prefers to leave for St. Patricks day and let the tourists work away, so the studio is closed, but I still might be asked to do Thursday and Friday. Fingers crossed.

I also got to see more of Dublin, like the canal area beside where the new Grand Canal Theatre is. Which is quite class looking. I should remember to take some snaps tonight!

Only dilemma now, is trying to decide if I should stay in Dublin tomorrow night and come back to Belfast on Saturday, or just go back to Belfast tomorrow evening. Hmmm. Hmmm...

Day 129 / Dublin Day 2

2010-03-09T17:33:00.003Z

I'm not going to spend the whole evening in front of this laptop! No. I will not allow it. It's such a lovely day too. I'm going to check out that flashy new bridge and some of the nice modern architecture in that area. Or have a paddle about in the hotel's own swimming pool! Yes. I am. Very soon. Almost immediately. Definitely in the near future. I am...

So today was grand. I had an amazing breakfast, a nice stroll to the studio and got to sit in on a couple more sessions. One was easy enough, the other was a fairly elaborate corporate video production, which needed lots of attention to various aspects. The second session also involved some serious, 'freakin' Pro-Tools editing-at-warp-speed-type action. I was impressed!

After that I was just hanging out really. Getting to know more about the way files and formats are dealt with and sent about the place and getting to know the staff. It's pleasing how dead on people are. I have the strangest feeling that I'm actually getting on really well with everybody... It's cool.

OK, enough of this here internetting shenanigans.

ádh mór ort!

Day 128 / Dublin Day 1

2010-03-08T20:46:00.005Z

Day 1 in Dublin has been great so far. The studio I'm doing a placement at is much more mammoth and elaborate than I originally (naively) assumed.

There are 3 other floors I didn't know about! A lot of video digitising, transferring, editing and grading gets done there, along with a production team who create advertising too! So it's not just audio post-production. It's an amazing operation and the building itself is quite new, so it's been co-designed by the leading guys who've worked with the company the longest. It's a very tasteful modern building, custom made especially for all the work that goes on there.

Just hanging out in the place is ace. The top floor canteen, outside lounge and presentation rooms are quite stylish and comfy. The studios are kitted out to excellent standards, of course. There are several: About 11 editing suites, 4 main audio rooms, 2 video rooms, and... pfftt... I've lost count... Loads of other stuff. It sounds like it might be cramped or something, but it's all laid out so logically and everything is so shiny and new!

As for the atmosphere, all the staff I've dealt with so far are totally dead on. They've put me at ease. I feel I have an easy ride, as it's just my job to hang about and ask questions, so it's the least stressful position I could possibly be in, but they're all really friendly people too, so it makes me feel like I could definitely be one of the family.

Different people have their different ways of explaining their roles, their experience and skills to me and they all seem quite keen and patient to go over things with me, which is great.

As for the work they do there: I got to sit in on two sessions today, one was quite a simple job, but I had the amazing experience of actually putting a face to one of those trademark boisterous voices you hear on TV/Radio all the time! The other job was more serious, so I watched and didn't interfere (too much), it was nice to watch these guys in action though, proper skills!

So that's about it for now. Awesome place, awesome people doing a lot of pretty awesome work.
I definitely would enjoy working for this company.

I haven't seen much of Dublin, as I've been on the internet, since getting out of the studio, (typical, come all the way down here just to have the same chit chat to people on MSN), also I'm pretty tired today, after having to get up at 5am and all, but ah well, plenty of time for sight seeing as the week progresses.

Slán leat.

Day 127

2010-03-07T20:24:00.002Z

Just checking in really. I'm off to Dublin in the morning for a week.
I will have an early night as didn't sleep much yesterday and I'll be up about 5am to catch train.

Wish I had the energy to write more about the weekend and recent things, but all I can say is that things are going well. I'm clear of mind, I'm doing well, I'm still staying sober and moving on and things are pretty grand.

So that'll have to do y'all for nay!
See ya in a week.

Nighty night.

Day 121

2010-02-28T00:23:00.005Z

The last few days have been 'peculiar': That seems a fitting description.

My brain has been acting funny. It's been giving me a weird mix of stress, depression, angst. It is surprising at this point, in my sobriety, almost like it's taken just over 3 months for things to clear in my head and make room for the real scary stuff to begin to surface.

Can only recall a couple of 'episodes' really, some of it was tiredness and some of it was subtle and then it passed on by. Maybe I'm just wired all wrong.

More importantly, I have to stop faffing about on the internet and get on with ... umm... things... !
I could restrict myself from going onto Faeces Boke and Land of Twits, plus those 'other' time wasting sites that apparently make up so much online traffic.

I've been aching for some changes, while at the same time getting into comfortable positions with some creative things here. I've mixed feelings about rushing off to try and 'make it' in Londinium, but I know I don't want to stay in Belfast. I should put a date on when I expect to be out of here, then work towards getting things sorted before that date. Yes. A smart, simple plan.

Just as soon as I reply to this email, watch that youtube link and finish this conversation on MSN.

Day 115

2010-02-22T23:48:00.004Z

Some of the feedback I got after doing the Feile FM interview (which was part of The Vinny Hurrell Show, incidentally) was that I could have been clearer about the benefits I've noticed since I quit drinking alcohol.

So in the last 3 months of being sober, what changes have I noticed?

- The first change I noticed was subtle. Like a cloud of fog being lifted from my day to day thinking and perception of things. I guess you could say, I immediately noticed the negative side-effects of alcohol (and at that specific time, the drugs I had recently used) fading away.

- I felt more positive. As soon as I started this I felt positive because I knew I was making a life changing decision and was enthusiastic and motivated, but over a longer period of time I have noticed a permanent positive attitude develop and noticed that I'm able to handle life challenges easier. Stress and depression are now less dominant forces in my life. The only word to describe it really, is that I've begun to feel "normal". I suppose normal isn't necessarily a good thing, in terms of a personality trait, but as far as internal mental stability is concerned I think it's definitely not a bad thing.

- I've saved money. I don't make a lot of money in my current job and I'm really bad at managing my cash. So not breaking out in sweats at the ATM because I've forgotten just how much money I've blown on partying, helps a lot with stress levels. Having money to pay the bills is good. Having more to do other stuff is even better.

- Still getting to experience all the stuff I love about going out: Socialising. Seeing and hearing great live music / art / culture / banter. Having fun, memorable, life affirming nights out! Not having a hangover the next day. Remembering how good it was, weeks down the line!

- Health benefits. People have commented that I have lost weight. Recently I've changed the amount of sugary junk food I eat and I've definitely cut down on eating so much crap, so I do think I'm losing a wee bit of weight. I haven't measured how much though. Other health benefits: I know my liver isn't getting punished so hard. I drink lots of water everyday, this is also because keeping hydrated is good for the vocal cords too, (I pee a lot!)

According to this BBC "Healthy Living" report some risks from alcohol consumption are:

"Raised blood pressure which increases the risk of Stroke; stomach disorders; depression and emotional disorders; cancers, particularly of the mouth, throat and gullet; hepatitis and cirrhosis of the liver; malnutrition;"

So I'm benefiting from less risk of all that stuff!

- I've become more confident. Having less depression, stress, anxiety, self-doubt, paranoia, has meant I've felt more confident when meeting new people and have enjoyed making new friends and find it so much easier to have genuine bonds of trust with people I admire and share common interests with.

- My weekly routine is more organised. Given that my weeks aren't broken up with these "lost weekends" of binging, or midweek tipples, I have had no real excuse for being so lazy and disorganised. This area still needs work for sure, but I have been a lot better at organising myself and this means more time for the things I love: Since I quit drinking I've been involved in the following music projects:

Hexxed (practicing with the band once a week in preparation for the launch of the new album around May 2010)

Fragile Human Organs (recording vocals and practicing with band. Our new EP is online now)

QUBe 2010 (a Queen's Uni Ensemble started up again recently, I perform voice and effects)

Working with Crucible Pictures on an animation series called Haven.

Experience on the production team at Queen's Radio

Work placement at Windmill Lane Studios, Dublin

Getting an awesome weekend away to London.

Seeing countless cool gigs and shows!

There are loads of other things I can't think of right now, but I'm sure you can read all about them in this blog! The obvious point I'm making here, is that in the last 3 months I've done plenty of great things I'm quite proud of and I've never been so happy to be so busy in my life and I think I owe a lot of this to my decision to stay sober for a year.

This is also why I can't truthfully say the last 3 months has been difficult. I've seen nothing but good things come of my decision to stay sober. When people talk to me about it, they sometimes say, "I wouldn't mind trying that" or "I think I'll give that a go at some point", I often get the impression they think it would be some difficult experiment. I'm sure I even had similar thoughts to that before I started, but it's been such an easy ride. It's been all good and that it makes it hard for me to honestly call this a 'challenge' at all really.

And when asked if I'll go back on the drink after the year, I honestly don't think I will.

Saying all that, I think the main reason I've seen such significant changes, is directly related to how I react to these chemicals: I have definitely learnt through my experiences of drink and drugs that I am a lot more susceptible to their negative side-effects. Even caffeine effects me in extreme ways. And I believe this relates to various mental illness issues I've had experience with from about 10 years ago, until fairly recently.

So hopefully that's being a bit more clear about the benefits of my progress so far. In summary: I've experienced nothing but positive things since becoming sober!

I'm always keen to hear feedback from anyone reading this though, so please throw me your "two cents" worth, anytime.

Féile FM

2010-02-22T15:25:00.003Z

I'm going to be doing a live interview regarding this here Sober For A Year thang on Féile FM this evening. http://www.feilefm.com/

I'm not exactly sure what time it will be happening, but I am told it will be live, so this could be interesting. Ha!

Listen Live here: http://www.radiomonitor.com/webradio/playlists/FeileFM.m3u

Day 114

2010-02-21T12:26:00.004Z

So I'm in work this morning, just covering someone who has been unable to make it in today, probably due to the slightly snowy conditions. Snow! I wasn't expecting to see that today!

After settling in I get a phonecall:

Me:"Hello, security. How can I help?"
Someone: "Is that Martin?"
Me: "err... Yes. How can I help?"
Someone: "Martin who?"
Me: "err... Sorry, who's this?"
Someone: Mumbles. Hangs up.

Basically, I’m fairly sure it’s the other guard who’s due to arrive very soon, so I’m wondering what he’s going to be like. First impressions: He seems like a dick*.

Anyway, that's about the height of my excitement on this chilly Sunday morning. I’m a little grouchy and tired today. It’s been a very busy weekend, which is good I suppose. A few more hours in bed this morning would have been great though!

I’ve more to update actually, but the other guard has just arrived. He sort of apologised in the sense that he just explained that he wasn’t sure what was happening or whatever, or something, or meh… Maybe he’s not a total dick, but already he’s asked me to write lines into the daily report book, because it will look bad if there aren’t enough! Meaning I’ve had to write “11:00 Nothing to report. 12:00 Nothing to report”.

UPDATE:

I hate the term "jobs worth", I really do. I hate that it implies that people who want to do a job right are meant to treated with disdain. However there are people who want to do the job right and people who just do these pointless routines, because they've been doing the job so long and they're stuck into their little ways of doing things and they can't fathom the concept of altering these things or looking at the bigger picture of how pointless these little things actually are.

It's that type of "jobs worth"-type behaviour that bugs me.

*As it transpired though, in the end, the fella was actually pretty dead on and it was an easy shift. He gave me a couple of half hour breaks and he also let me go home a wee bit early. So... Result!

Also got some very cheap sandwiches from Asda for lunch and ended up seeing 3 seperate people who I know. (one cousin and his girlfriend, later another cousin and then a fella I went to college with). Tis a small World, afterall.

Now, perhaps bizarrely for a Sunday, I really must get out of the house this evening and dance! Somewhere. Anywhere! Well anywhere that has good loud music.

Day 108

2010-02-15T21:20:00.002Z

Just a quick note to say, one of the bands I sing in has released an EP, which you can listen to or download from bandcamp.

Check it out:
In The Eyes Of Machines - by Fragile Human Organs

I am obviously really excited about this EP being finished and unleashed onto the world and very proud to be part of this band. I hope it gets the attention it deserves, as Adam and G have spent countless hours working on this recording and the music definitely shows this, but I also feel as a complete package we've all contributed to make something really unique and... Well... It's f**king cool.

Day 105

2010-02-12T10:46:00.004Z

105 days, that's 15 weeks, which is 2520 hours.
Right now, it's approximately 151220 minutes sober... And counting.

It's handy that I have my calculator beside me, because looking at some figures I can see just how f**ked I am going to be for the following 30 days or so! Sigh.

Basically I didn't get very much work in January. Only 3 shifts in fact.
That means my pay this month is just about going to cover my rent.
This is just f**king ridiculous really. Obviously, I can't survive on so little hours from my current employer so I've started looking at alternatives and for the first time in about 12 years, benefits from DA GOVIMENT!

Stress.

Phoned around a few companies for work and so far I've not had anything too promising.

I know there's no real point moaning about it really, I'm just a bit feckin' stressed out right now and need to vent. On the bright side, a couple of things that might actually make a bit of money look like they could be panning out, but not for a wee while yet (another month or two). I have work this weekend and a long shift next weekend, which is good, but I can't put up with the stress of not knowing how much work I'm going to get, week by week, much longer.

And my porridge is now all cold, lumpy and bluergh...

CHOOSE LIFE KIDS!

Day 101

2010-02-08T01:28:00.003Z

So I celebrate the end of my Sober For A Year 100th Day milestone with:

Terrible drag queens, cabaret, bingo AAAAAAAAAANDDD (most filthy of all...)

The cheesy chilli chip!

Oh yeah baby.

So I had a pretty good Sunday at work, then treated myself to a wee hour of the gayest shenanigans Belfast has to offer in the form of Union Street Bar's Sunday Bingo Night.

The walk home (with aforementioned chip of DOOM!) felt good and overall, I don't know how exactly, but I had myself a pretty good night.

Fabulous.

Not even slightly bothered by the spides who were slegging my hat. Acutally, they were saying "that hat looks cu-lass me-ate!" and that was OK with me.

Not even the horrible ear slicing cackle of some (obviously very classy girl) shouting "ewwwww, you're ugly!" from some sports car got a rise out of me.

Take that World.
KAPOW!

Right, chips nearly done. Time to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of Collins & Herrings latest podcast(!)

Day 95

2010-02-02T13:27:00.003Z

I really couldn't be arsed with anything that requires any thought or effort right now. I'm back on standby. This is my normal operating mode. This is how I end up spending months and months doing nothing with my life.

I got up at 7:10am this morning, had porridge then got stuck into some sound design work. I had a meeting at 10:30 (arrived at 10:45) and got back home about noon. I stuck on some clothes to wash, washed the dishes and made some popcorn. OK, so I've just spent an hour faffing about online: I checked emails. I read some facebook and twitter guff.

I need to move on and do some proper work / tasks now.

Except, now all I want to do is sleep. I'm done for the afternoon. I've made plans for later, so for now I just want to press stop and power down completely.

Why am I so friggin' lazy?

Probably because I don't have a job or a daily regular workout of some kind to keep me focused or keep my motivation up. It's annoying that I'm going to waste another day when I know I've hundreds of things to get on with, but I just. Can't. Make. Myself. Do. It.

Sigh.

I need a drill sargeant to kick down the door and kick my ass into shape.

Some people pay good money for that sort of thing, you know?

Day 94

2010-02-01T20:01:00.002Z

A couple of wee mentions here...

Firstly, Good After-Morning! http://goodaftermornings.blogspot.com/

Which is quite simply the best blog I've ever followed. I greedily feast on every update like a hungry work-shy dog. Anyone who has ever had a job and hated their boss (um, like, pretty much everyone) should love it! I think the eventual book, followed by TV series, followed by massive Hollywood blockbuster is inevitable really.

Secondly, Belfast4Haiti http://belfast4haiti.com/

It's amazing how quickly everything came together for this cause. There are still events happening around Belfast to raise money for the victims of the Haiti Earthquake, as far as I know, and so there's still plenty of opportunity to enjoy great local events and donate to a very worthy cause.

Also, if anyone is interested you can check out the set I played last night at the Belfast4Haiti gig in the Limelight, on soundcloud
http://soundcloud.com/doctorlilt/belfast4haiti-dj-set-31st-january-2010

Umm, I definitely feel I'm forgetting something. Or a few things.
Today's felt a bit hectic, even though all I did was eat. Actually maybe that explains my tirdness and desire to have a very early night: I probably ate more food today than I have in the last week or so. Why? Well, I felt like letting myself go a bit today and it was just too easy to give in.

I feel bad for it, but it was all so tasty. Just means extra work when I finally bother my ass to do any exercise. Ha!

Day 92

2010-01-30T13:09:00.002Z

OK, so I'm at the 3 month mark. Or past it, given that some months are 30 days long and others are 31. It's day 92! That's 1 day over 13 weeks!

Still not a drop of alco-mo-hol has passed these hairy lips. No booze has crossed the bearded forest of my face and reached the open mouth hole within. No river of nectar has graced the hedging of face fuzz to access the mouthy gateway. Not a splash of moonshine has been privy to the cavernous toothy dungeon. Mere alcohol does not thrill me at all. No!

So that's good.

London was frikkin'-awesome-sausages-lawl!!!11 <--- intentional comedy typo in case you aren't "down with these things." I was pretty good regarding my diet. Well good considering I practically just starved myself.

Well that's not true, but I didn't have any sweets or junk (crisps, buns etc.). I did have some chicken noodles in Leicester Square, a fry in Kennington, a McD's on Oxford Street (ouch!!) and a meatball panini in Trafalgar Square (which was lovely) and that was it for the weekend. Felt like very little, though maybe it doesn't sound like it. I'm a big boy, you know!

Friday I got to see Jerry Sadowitz and it was great. Exactly what I hoped for and so much more. It's frustrating trying to explain how good this guy was to people who have never seen him. He has very little internet presence, I believe he probably has an agent (or two) who make sure NO videos of him exist online and it seems to make sense, given how unique his routine is.

His material was non-stop, he delivered it like a man who has spent years perfecting his craft and I felt I was in the presence of an absolute genius.

Of course it was also incredibly offensive, but it was offensive to all classes and all races and all ages, sexes, pretty much eqaully. He certainly slagged off himself enough too. Anyone who gets all uppity and offended by Jerry Sadowitz is a c***... Err... I mean, they're missing the point I think.

Anyway, he was amazing and I felt getting to see him live was a unique and special experience that many will never get to have, and that's both kinda pleasing and sad at the same time.

I also got to hang out with some cool dudes.
Checked out plenty of bars and clubs.

Also seen the Tate Modern which was loverly. I especially loved the BIG stuff. The big table and chairs, the red room: things that took a while to explore and were physical. I could have easily spent a lot longer in there and hopefully next time I will!

Sunday before I flew back to Belfast I did a few touristy things, (Whitehall, Downing Street, London Eye, Big Ben etc.) and I was a bit upset that I didn't stay until Monday

Since being back in Belfast though, I've been a bit upset that I don't live in London!
I'd love to move back. I'd have to get a job over there, so maybe that's something to focus on for a while. I'm very keen to go back in March and I'm already planning a trip. I just need to raise a wee bit of cash for it.

In other news, still worried about my lack of work in the last few weeks. I had a shift yesterday, but that only makes 3 this month. Not really enough hours to survive on, grim.

Anyway, off to band practice with Hexxed I go.
Later a bit of a house warming party.
Things ain't so bad actually.

*smilie face*

Day 83 - More On London

2010-01-21T14:38:00.002Z

Google Street View is class. I can now see exactly where I'm staying in London and know exactly how I'll get there from the station.

It's bizarre being able to see everything in such detail before I've even left the house. The local shops, the locals, the size of the streets, the housing, etc.

I can also see how far I'll need to walk to get supplies, what kind of area I'm staying in (not good actually) and my chances of getting stabbed when I venture outside (quite good actually).

Fun!

So on Friday I'm going here, here, hanging out with chums and then going to see this nutcase.

Saturday I'm going to this (can't wait!) and then probably a bit of this. Yeo!

Day 81

2010-01-19T15:56:00.005Z

Organising my trip to London seriously today, checking timetables to make sure I get to the airport on time, printing out booking reference numbers and small maps of where I'm staying etc. something happened to me while I downloaded a PDF of the London Underground that was most surprising and perplexing dear reader:

I got nervous!

I got nervous?

Yes, I got nervous.

I got incredibly nervous at the realisation that I'm going to be travelling around London on my own when I arrive on Friday. Big bad London!

When I booked this trip a couple of months ago, I was thinking about all the old haunts with a mixture of nostalgia and cynicism, but at the same time I wanted to go and see some of those cool places I never really got round to seeing when I lived there and maybe take in some of the 'old haunts' that I actually did enjoy.

Now that it's becoming a reality, I'm a mess. This is really not like me.

I like travelling on my own. I like to see new places on my own. I'm not intimidated by having only myself for company.

So what is going on?

Perhaps, last time I was in London (2005) I was a very different person and yet I fear that going back and seeing these old places (and some old faces) I'm going to be brought back into that state of mind, rather unwillingly. In fact, kicking and screaming.

I want to believe I am not that person anymore. I have changed a lot in the last 5 years.
But have I really?

This is like some sort of test. Not a holiday.

In a sense, I feel I want to move back there. I am feeling that same (possibly misguided) concept of London as this excellent place, with EVERYTHING I could ever want and endless places and exciting people to meet.

Yet, it's combined with this feeling of having to just plan out a weekend and behave just like a tourist.

What the ferk is wrong with me?

I'm just excited I guess. I can't wait!

Day 79

2010-01-17T23:38:00.004Z

I'm still staying sober and it's still going great.

The weather has had me indoors and lazing about a lot. I haven't been given any work in the last two weeks, which is now a really serious concern. I've been to Dublin with my sister and that was good. Possibly going to be living there for a couple of weeks in March, so that's also very good!

I spent a bit of time with my immediate family and that's been good too.

I've been reading regularly again recently: I always have a book on the go.

I've been trying a "self-help" type thing, which is definitely having some positive effects, though it requires a lot more work from me that I'm not giving, as of yet. Details at another time (when I've fully made my decision on whether it's really worth it and worth sharing, or whether it's all a crock.)

I'm also trying to diet a bit, or at least cut down on sugar. I want to lose my tubby belly. Afterall, I have to look like a well-toned ROCK GOD in the not-so-distant future, when my two bands, Hexxed and Fragile Human Organs, start performing live! So it's time to stop eating bags of sugary sweets and all that kinda stuff. :sadface:

Although, without ANY sugary stuff, what does that leave me to drink in bars? Water? Perhaps I'll make an exception for fruit cordial or pure fruit juice.

I want to get a proper coffee machine (still) and at the same time I might buy myself some scales, so that I can take the idea of losing a wee bit of weight a tiny wee bit more seriously. I also have an ever growing list of new gear that would be very useful for the bands, some are important things regarding setup etc, others are just things that make me go "I WANT I WANT I WANT". Sigh.

All the more reason I need some way of making a living out of my 'little music hobbie' (Pah!).

Anyone need a DJ?

Shameless. I know.

In other news, I can't wait to be heading to London for the weekend, this Friday!
I'm really looking forward to meeting a couple of people and hopefully seeing some cool things.
I'm also just looking forward to getting away from Belfast for a couple of days, and so anything else is a bonus, but I suspect it's going to be a great time.

Day 70

2010-01-08T12:14:00.003Z

Sober 10 weeks! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Well I've been very cold the last few days here in my room and today I found out exactly why:

I can actually see outside through the gap around my window frame! No wonder the heating isn't doing anything. Well, we've had a guy here today who's going to sort a few things out and hopefully the window will be too, in about 10 days. Watch this space! Fingers crossed etc.

In other news, umm well not much to report. I'm being very lazy, partly because all hell has frozen over outside and I just want to stay warm and cosy. The ice looks deadly and the snow hasn't helped. I love snow, but the weather just puts the idea of going outside far from my mind.

So I've been diddling about a wee bit with music type "things", though obviously I could be doing a lot more. I've basically become a complete recluse and have been losing any sense of focus or direction. All the small things I've been doing, have just bled into one continuous casual activity and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. It's bad in that my pace has been very, very slow and I'm not challenging the bigger projects that need done, but on the other hand, it's good because I'm getting through things and not feeling they are difficult at all. Casual chores and creative ideas are happening without too much need for a big push or fuss, so surely that's a good thing? Maybe. Hopefully. Possibly. Sssshhmmmeee...

I'm wondering about my weekend to London. If the weather will permit it. I hope so. I've been looking forward to this trip for ages.

It's interesting how taking a plunge and booking a trip in that spontaneous way, has actually had the opposite effect on me: Instead of being so impulsive about everything (especially money, which is normally a big problem for me), I've actually been reasonably responsible in the last couple of months. Basically it's because I know I have to keep money aside for my trip, but I like how, having something to look forward to, keeps me a little more stable, financially at least.

So the point is, I need to more book trips away! Obviously.

2010 - Day 67

2010-01-05T04:10:00.000Z

Sober for 67 days. Going strong. Thanks for all the recent donations folks, I really appreciate it!

Things in recent happenings of newsy stuffage:

Worked 1st Jan 2010, doing a 17 hour shift. Fun!

Followed swiftly by, and with only 2 hours sleep, a trip to Dublin for the day with my brother. Saw the Irish National Gallery (lots of meh paintings about religion and shiz, I quite liked the architecture of the place though) and visited the Guinness Storeroom (lots of meh information about how Guinness is made, followed by a lovely view from the "Gravity Bar" at the very top of the place). It was freezing and icy and overall I think we had a nice day out but also felt like we could have seen a lot more. Although as my bro pointed out, a lot of the tourist stuff didn't really look that interesting, it was more just about ticking boxes.

Still, I wouldn't mind going back (a lot earlier though) and seeing more of the other galleries (like the Modern Art Museum and the Photography Gallery etc.), the Zoo and the castles too!

So that was Saturday.

Saturday night I took a risk and ventured out on my own and was well chuffed to bump into some buddies. We all had good banter and a bit of a laugh. Then at 3am I decided to walk home as I wasn't in the mood to wait and fight for a taxi.

Got in about 3:30 and finally got some kip!

My sleeping pattern has been completely up the left since and so I've done bugger all else except chat with people online and watch films. It's now 4:25am and so as you can tell, I've still not sorted my sleeping pattern out, which means I'm going to go to bed in a moment and sleep until about noon. Meaning, I will probably end up doing fuck all again. Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is not how I planned to spend the beginning of 2010. No, no.

In other news, practice with Hexxed and Fragile Human Organs will be starting back again very soon. Along with some other ongoing music / sound design bits and bobs. Just need to get out of this sleepy lazy rut...

End of 2009

2009-12-31T10:19:00.001Z

Well it's the end of 2009 and some of you may have recieved a text from me this morning. Apologies for my little bit of phone spam, but this is my New Year's Eve charity drive!

I want y'all to consider donating to my challenge, and more importantly to SANE.org.uk (via this website) on this particular day of the year, where 90%* of the planet will be getting more than a few bevvies down their gullets!

* - true facts, not just some random figure I've pulled out of the air... Well OK it is of course, but still, you get the idea, right?

Please consider donating while considering the massive* sacrifice I am making in the name of charity.

* - well, massive for me anyway.

This time last year I would have already been on my way through a crate of buck fast, well OK I'm exaggerating of course, but hey, this is how they do it in all those preachy charity commercials...

Anyway, tonight is significant for me. When I decided to do this challenge the first thing I thought was, "but how will I resist drinking over New Years Eve?" and in fact I was originally planning to begin the challenge on 1st January 2010, so that I could have my big, end-of-the-year piss up!

So if you want to give a little nod and raise a glass for myself then why not donate the cost of that one pint you might have bought me on this merry ocassion and give it to a worthy charity instead?

Thanks for all your support in 2009 and I hope you all have a lovely New Year's Eve and then an even better 2010!

Caffeine

2009-12-29T15:46:00.000Z

I remember when I was about 15, a few friends and I were at a houseparty. We were drinking alco-pops and getting typically silly, typsy and wrecking all around us.

Someone suggested trying Pro-Plus: The caffeine tablets that are designed to prevent you from falling asleep. So I took a few of these. They didn't seem to have any physical effect, I thought, as I climbed into a wardrobe and refused to come out. Several hours later I was still tweaking. I was in a violent mood, I wanted to fight or wrestle or smash something, or someone.

Eventually this pent up energy was unleashed on a close friend and it all ended in me shouting abuse it him. Somehow he was the source of my annoyance and frustration. Immediately after we fell out, I felt terrible. I knew I had been wrong, but I also felt apologising was pointless, as he wouldn't be able to believe I was sincere after seeing me behave like such a totally different person.

Weeks or maybe months later we were able to be friends again, but I never felt our relationship completely healed after my caffeine fuelled outburst.

Needless to say, I now realise that another chemical to add to my list of "substances that I react badly too" is caffeine. Today I've been feeling that same sense of pent up energy that is begging to be unleashed on something or someone quite violently or explosively.

If I could channel it creatively, then we'd all be good, but it's very hard to focus. Writing this right now, is my attempt at pulling on the reins a bit.

I'm off to Tescos in a minute to get me some decaf. Hopefully I don't kill anyone on my way to the checkout.

Day 60

2009-12-28T23:17:00.000Z

So Christmas time with my family was bloody great fun! And even though I should maybe resist the urge to say it, I firmly believe removing alcohol from my life has made me appreciate the value of friends, family and general relationships with human beings. Which is good.

So what pressies did I get for Chrimbo?

Well I got the obligatory crap clothes (might wear the jeans though), underwear and a selection box, but I also got MONEY!! (Yay! That'll go towards my London trip in January!), a Stylophone and a new coffee percolator. I've been wanting one of these for a while and now I can have that pleasing ritual, smell and taste of coffee in my kitchen every morning, allowing me to assume a faint air of maturity and sophistication. Though after 3 Espressos today, I'm gonna have to get myself some decaf.... JITTER-TASTIC!!

Other than that, fun times out 'clubbing' (sort of) on Boxing Day and yesterday. Enjoying some new films and generally lazing about. I might be working on NYE but nothing confirmed yet. If I get out of it I'll be seeing in the new year at my sister's house, with a nice big dinner and more family larfs. So fingers crossed!

Day 56 (Christmas)

2009-12-25T10:28:00.000Z

This morning I woke up with just the right mix of joy, self-satisfaction and desire.
I felt joy at the idea of Christmas and that feeling of everyone around you, all your neighbours, all the politicians and famous people, all feeling that same subtle sense of warmness and festive cheer to some degree. I also felt a sense of joy that I am able to wake from my bed, see that the sun is out, it isn’t as cold as other days and that I have an excuse to feel relaxed and rested. My sister is coming later to pick me up, so no need to rush or do anything.

However, it was that perfect mix of feeling relaxed and content that made me want to pick up my guitar and continue working on my recent acoustic songs. It was the same feeling that made me believe in my abilities, my potential: A realistic concept of my potential instead of the blurry, daydream version I hold onto when feeling insecure.

It’s this sense of having all I need and being comfortable in myself that motivates my creative side. I need to wake up with that feeling more often.

I wish it could be Christmas everyday…

Day 55

2009-12-24T17:37:00.000Z

Well it's Christmas time again. I've got my pressies all wrapped up and I'm chilling out by the Christmas tree, with my laptop, broadband, external hard drive (with hundreds of films) and TV (just in case) all next to me. Oh and not to forget those lovely mince pies!

Heading up to my parents tomorrow and looking forward to the festivities. Yes, all those silly, pointless things that make Christmas what it is. I love them. Just for one day.

Other than that, not much to report. Been out a couple of times to bars with friends, have been questioned about my reasons for doing this Sober For A Year challenge a few times and have found zero temptation to drink. I guess there's sometimes a tiny little part of me thinking (as I predicted before it would) "I've quit long enough now, I've nothing more to prove anymore, a wee drink would hardly be a big deal now!" which is just my willingness to give into social pressure. My willingness to question my own principles. It still bothers me that I can give into self-doubt so easily. I guess I can be modest, I don't give myself enough credit for the cool things I have done in my life, because I think modesty is more 'attractive', but actually it often just means people don't respect you or take you so seriously.

Well, I see big changes in the New Year. New things and shiz. Hopefully.

For now, I'm away to watch some crap 80s Sci-Fi. Yeeeeeeeeeeeooooooo!!

Have a good one folks!!

Day 51

2009-12-20T17:31:00.000Z

Today I was attacked by a group of teenagers who broke onto the site, (through the large opened gate, whoops) scared the fuck out of me when opening the door to my security hut and then pelting me with snowballs!

As I started chasing them I noticed about 10 more of the wee bastards at the gate ready and I was pelted with even more frosty love! They got me a few crackers right in the gob, knocking off my glasses at one point aswell. I tried to chase them back out, to get the gate locked, but several of them used their weight to prevent me from closing it. As I was on my own, there was pretty much fuck all I could do. I tried shouting at them, but eventually I just retreated to my security hut, locked the door and phoned the police.

Eventually the group (made up of about 15 or so little employees of Satan) just gave up and left. A few minutes after that I locked the gate. I then phoned the police back to earnestly tell them not to bother coming afterall.

Obviously it was the humiliation of the situation that stung the most, but I was most concerned about the fact that if they had been smart, or inclined, having seen that I was completely helpless on my own, they could have easily broke onto the site and done whatever they wanted. Causing damage to staff vehicles nearby and all the other property here.

Had they decided to split apart and run riot about the place, I would have been royally fucked! There was no way I would have been able to catch them all or chase them about the place.

It was kinda funny though. Had I been watching the whole ordeal from another perspective I would have found it all pretty hilarious actually.

The reason I didn't see them coming through the gate though is because the design of this hut is like a green house. There are many large windows, which means throughout the day, I was being blinded as the sun moved across the sky. There are no window shades or tinting, so to sit here all day in the one spot is to basically become a human pot plant absorbing all the lovely UV rays while your retinas are fried in the process.

To combat this, instead of blinds or tints on the windows, there are other chairs strategically placed around the room that I assume I am meant to move onto depending on the time of day and position of the sun! Yea, it's funny because it's true. *sigh*

So obviously I was sitting in a position to avoid the sun at the time these wee shites broke in. Well I say "broke in" what I really mean is "walk casually onto the site without being presented with the slightest challenge".

On the plus side, I actually have something to talk about to the other security guard when he arrives at 7pm to let me go.

Day 50

2009-12-19T10:56:00.000Z

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!! 50 days sober.

Going strong. Going well. Just keeping on like the famous advertising bunny for a LARGE COMMERCIAL BRAND OF BATTERIES! UH! Yea... Mutha'uckers!

This week has been fairly lazy (again), some happenings:

I'm back to work at my wonderfully, lovely and not in any way boring and mind numbing totally dead end security guard job. Today I'm stationed in a tiny wee hut with no heat. Yay! At least I'm on my own and can amuse myself without the distraction of ... like... other people... Yay! I think... Going to be working over Christmas.

Some friends have buggered off for the holidays.

Been to a couple of gigs and things.

Started playing guitar and writing acoustic songs again.

Been letting my voice recover from the 4 hour practice with Hexxed last Saturday (still moaning about that as you can see).

Getting ready for Christmas-y things. And by 'getting ready' I mean, worrying about what crap meaningless and instantly forgettable present to buy my family for Consumerism-mas (too cynical?) ... I do like the Christmas day meal and stuff, so there, tidings to all men and t'ing.

In other newsy newsy news noos:

I was interviewed recently by Bangor Spectator regarding my experiences with Mephedrone. I have to be a little complain-y and say I was hoping the article didn't make me sound so anti-drugs, because actually I am not: Basically, I know my chemical make up, system and history to hazard a (sort of informed) guess that drugs (and alcohol) effect me in a way that doesn't represent the majority. The argument that people can take drugs and then go absolutely mental and schitzo do-lally etc. is a little bit similar to the argument for putting belts on cinema seats, because someone once fell off their chair, hurting their spleen from laughing so hard. Point is: Extreme (and fatal) reactions to illegal drug taking experiences are hardly as common place as deaths or illnesses related to alcohol, smoking, driving etc etc etc... Of course there is risk and danger with drugs, I just strongly believe the best way to approach these things is to be as well-informed as possible (i.e. gaining proper information and not just rumours from your mates) before taking risks with your health, (which I did say in the report).

Anyway, all my disclaimers aside, here's the article for those of you interested.

Hope this doesn't brand me as "drugs are bad mmmk?" guy, as that's never what I set out to be when I took on this challenge.

The point of my challenge is to get myself into a healthier state of mind, for the sake of my own mental health, based on my previous experiences with mental illness and other side effects of drink and drugs. I didn't do this to preach to any of my friends or anyone else on how they should live. It's also important for me that people know that I was never a "junkie" or an "alcoholic" before quitting drink and drugs. The reason I think it's an important distinction is because I believe people are more prejudiced against recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, seeing their recovery process as not so much a strong willed motivation to get better, but something that deserves contempt. Or they think that their recovery journey was enforced on them somehow, not a choice and so deserves no credit.

I think being a 'social drinker / user' and quitting can maybe stand to say more about are accepted norms regarding our intake of these things. Maybe.

Well this is all very serious, so here is a lovely wee festive animation from Mouth Trumpet, who have also been very awesome and linked this here blog into their "People We Like" page:

http://www.mouthtrumpet.com/xmas.html

wee announcements

2009-12-14T10:48:00.000Z

Two things:

1. I've now turned on Email Notifications so I should be a lot better at responding to comments. Cheers for all the encouragement so far!

2. I posted about GiftAid recently and how the JustGiving page will add GiftAid for Paypal donations. Well basically I was wrong. I've since tested the system and GiftAid will be added for Paypal and/or Debit Card donations from anyone (who is a UK Taxpayer) so it's all good!

Not exactly sure what happened with a couple of the earlier donations, but they're all accounted for now. So keep 'em coming!

Day 45

2009-12-14T10:12:00.000Z

Since posting before about the choices of non-alcoholic drinks available in bars, I've found something that seems to work pretty well.

*drum roll*

... Blackcurrant cordial !

It's refreshing, it's not too sweet and the price ranges from FREE to £1.
When in Dublin I was charged 1 euro per pint of it (90p).

In Belfast bars the price has been up and down.
In The Empire first it was £1 then it dropped to 20p (in the space of two rounds!)

In Lavery's it has been 20p and 25p, but mostly FREE!
In Menagerie it has always been FREE too.

I've also been charged 50p ... in some local pub...

So the soft drink market does fluctuate dramatically in this current economical climate it seems. Or depending on who serves you and what bar you're in (and how nice you smell or something), but a pretty inexpensive night out overall, yes sir!

day 42

2009-12-11T14:21:00.001Z

Sober 6 weeks.

The last few days have involved (prepare for Bullet Points!! *KAPOW!*):

Being interviewed about my experiences with Mephedrone (which will hopefully draw some folk to this blog).
A lovely "not a party" with some very cool people. A Reich of 29 and 30 year olds (See here). It was LOVELY. LOVELY!!!
The premier of Geoff Gatt's solo album "Ten Year Road" at the Black Box, where I caught up with a bunch of the old "Hippos Crowd" (people who I acted/sang alongside with, in Geoff's musical Hippos In The Shower)
Potential for some gigs with a new electronic music project.
A really enjoyable lunchtime concert performing with the QUBe.
Seeing The Ex, 65DaysofStatic and Battles in Dublin. (Adebisi Shank also played but only caught their last song, I've seen them live a few times, they're awesome, just a shame the people I was with didn't get to... Well it was their own fault for dilly-dallying over their Guinness in the pub wasn't it? They've only got themselves to blame, don't they?... I digress. ) Anyway, 65Daysofstatic played some new stuff and it was insanely good! Big Prodigy-esque beats with guitars. I wasn't expecting it and I danced my boney ass off! Battles are amazing performers. Guitar and keyboard playing at the same time, along to bass loops, while John Stanier bangs the drums like a ticking machine (poor bugger): Quite an exciting experience. Although I must confess that I don't find their music that inspiring. Some very nice grooves, but a bit too much arsing about. Class musicians and totally on top of their game though.

So that's been the last few days. Being sober through all of that has been great. No hangovers. No depression. No 'comedowns'. I'm also pleased to learn that I don't need chemicals and/or alcohol to completely lose my mind on the dancefloor to Phat Beats(tm).

Hopefully going to be experiencing more of said 'Phat Beats' in the Menagerie tomorrow night, courtesy of ECKER Christmas Party. Yes please sir. I shall indeed have more bass in thine face! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mouth Trumpet

2009-12-07T08:50:00.000Z

Check out my loverly yellow Mouth Trumpet T-shirt...

... This one is called "Burger Man".
Loads more at www.mouthtrumpet.com

^_^

Day 37

2009-12-06T00:30:00.000Z

According to my calculations I am now 10.1% through my Sober For A Year Challenge.
For some reason it seems more significant when I look at it like that.

In other news, so far this weekend I've had two new sober experiences. These are both causing me to look at a few things in a new light.

And after much deliberation, I think I think this will lead to positive change. I think.

Day 35

2009-12-04T12:26:00.000Z

Just a quick post to say...

FIVE WEEKS SOBER! Whoo-hoo!!

I've been busy this week with sound design (for an animation) and preparation for a Doctor Lilt gig tomorrow night in Lavery's Bunker (more info here).

Tonight I'm looking forward to getting out of the house to see Rachel Austin playing in Charlies Cafe at 7pm!

Meanwhile, check out these awesome cats:

Mouth Trumpet

They make some very cool T-shirts and all being well they will be supporting my Sober For A Year Challenge. More on this soon!

Giftaid

2009-12-02T10:50:00.000Z

Giftaid is pretty sweet:

"Gift aid is tax relief on money donated to UK charities.

We treat donations as if the donor had already deducted basic rate tax from them. The charity can then reclaim this tax to increase the value of a donation."

Basically this means that for every £5 donation there's an extra £1.41 in Giftaid that the charity gets. That's the good news.

The bad news is that something (I'm yet to fully understand, even after the Just Giving help team and I have been emailing back and forth) is preventing people from donating using a debit card. Apparently when you choose this option the donation goes into my Paypal account, but it doesn't go through JustGiving.com, meaning no Giftaid is added.

I guess it's a bit of a shame that some donations won't be able to recieve the added bonus of Giftaid, but I don't want to scare people off from donating with whatever means they have, so please keep it coming!

As for the debit card donations, I've put them through JustGiving from my Paypal account.

Day 30

2009-11-29T04:42:00.000Z

In the last week or so I've thought about drinking a couple of times. I've had a tiny niggling feeling that I'm missing out on some of the banter and parties will never be the same again.

On the other hand, I've had some really nice times hanging out with friends recently and have enjoyed those situations much more than any number of piss-ups. Simply because I'm no longer a drunken mess yammering nonsense into people's earholes and when I reflect upon these things afterwards I don't feel that ache of guilt that I was being an ass, saying things I shouldn't have or that I was acting like a totally different person.

My will is strong and I know I won't fail, but I have a dark premonition of how I will try to sabotage my progress. These last 4 weeks have been a great period of growing clarity, like opening my eyes slowly, or waking up out of a light sleep, but in 2 or 3 months time I will take all this clarity and positivity for granted and my head will be saying things like, "there's no need to stay sober anymore, you're better now, you're happier" or "look at all the fun you're missing out on, don't you think you've sacrificed the 'good times' enough?"

Though even as I type that I find it hard to believe those thoughts will get much attention.
That's why this blog is important to me. It's important to keep a check on these things: a form of self-counselling. It's important that I do this challenge in steps, stop to reflect regularly and keep myself aware of the internal processes that are going on that might be trying to help or hinder me.

In other news, tonight was so much fucking great fun!
Hexxed band practice: Excellent riffage and lots of mental jams. Then home for food, then meeting up with Rachel, Paul and Caroline. Then Pizza! Then lip synching, choreography and Ronan Keating... I shall say no more.

Day 28

2009-11-27T20:44:00.000Z

Four weeks sober! Whoo hoo!! Break out the champa... err... no hold on.

Well, aside from a random headache the last couple of days (that comes and goes, seemingly directly related to the weather) I've been feeling very good. I've been getting some new (Doctor Lilt) tunes down, keeping myself busy with all things music and generally getting on with stuff.

I had a truly life affirming experience at the Black Box last Sunday for The Carousel gig. It featured a bunch of brilliant local musicians sitting around the audience and taking turns playing, either their own self-penned songs, or improvising completely on their instrument. Once one musician was elected to begin a piece the others would then join in with whatever they felt worked. It was most pleasing because of the Jools Holland style pace of moving between each musician and there were interesting musical extremes all round. A lot of folk / singer songwriter type stuff, but a lot of performers with their own distinct approaches and voices, in total contrast to the free improv LSD-trip style wigging out sessions that sprang up a few times too.

I felt incredibly self-conscious from where I sat as I couldn't contain how moved I was by certain musicians and yet I didn't want to draw attention to who I was focusing on. I smiled a lot and felt more than a few goosebumps break out. With a couple of performances I had to just cover my mouth for fear of catching flies as my jaw lay on the floor.

A really great show, the next one is sometime in February I believe. I can't wait.

Other than that this week has felt nice and full. Today I was practicing with Fragile Human Organs for the first time. We had plenty of technical difficulties as we try to work out how samples, electronics and effects are shared among the band and the logicistics of all that, but jamming through things is sounding good.

I'm looking forward to it all coming together over the coming weeks with FHO fo' sho! Tomorrow I'll be practicing with Hexxed for the first time.

Day 23

2009-11-22T14:25:00.000Z

Not much more to report. I was out last night drinking alcohol free BitBurger. It was OK.

Here's a brief list of non-alcoholic beverages I might prefer to drink in a bar:

1. Pure fruit juice (like orange / pineapple / raspberry) or smoothies.
PROS: Tasty, healthy (possibly)
CONS: Keeps ye regular... Maybe too regular. Expensive! Bars tend to charge £1.50 for about 200ml of juice. Personally I think that's a bit of a rip off.

2. Thick ice-cream milshakes
PROS: mmmmmm yummy.
CONS: Could I really drink / eat that all night? Also probably quite fattening and pretty unhealthy after a while.

3. Fizzy drinks (coke / lemonade etc)
PROS: ... cold
CONS: Too sweet, too sticky, too expensive and general yuckiness

4. Water
PROS: About the most healthy thing you can drink (probably)
CONS: Image factor (including embarrassment of having to ask for it at bar. Having to ask for tap water as you don't want to pay. Having people at the bar look at you funny. Having your mates sleg the life out of you)

5. Coffe / Tea
PROS: Nice.
CONS: Caffeine MAKES ME HYPER HYPER HYPER (uppercut)... !!!!11!!1!!!!!11!!!one!!!!1111two!!! It's hard to hold a cup and saucer of tea in a crowded bar (see also: being slegged to death by your mates).

Your suggestions are very welcome

Day 19

2009-11-19T00:00:00.000Z

As it's before 1:00am, I'm on day 19 of staying sober. Still feeling fine and dandy.
Just wanted to say that the Just Giving 'widget' on this blog, showing what has been raised in donations so far for SANE, is actually wrong. According to what is in my Paypal account there is more than that.

I've checked the small print and it's not some sort of fee that Just Giving are charging, so I'm not sure what's going on there. Maybe after the next few donations the widget will refresh properly and show the right amount. Anyway, just wanted to clear that up.

DAY 17

2009-11-16T21:50:00.000Z

Still being sober. Whoo...

It's been pointed out to me that to raise more money for charity I'm going to have to consider doing more than... Well nothing. People aren't so keen to donate to someone NOT doing something for a year, so I reckon at some point I will need to think of smaller fundraisers to encourage donations. One idea was to go out on a pub crawl with a load of mates and when they are going to buy me a pint, I'll simply take the cash as a donation.

This would be a nice way to get together with people as a fundraising event, while also being a good test of my determination to stay sober being around all my mates who'd be getting rat-arsed and having a geg.

Been to training at work today, my first experience of the '9 - 5 Rat Race' since I worked in a miserable call centre a couple of years ago and I must say dear readers, I did not enjoy it one bit.

Whether I raise a lot of money for charity, get more work as a vocal performer or not, one thing I never want to do is a 9 - 5 job in any kind of city. To coin a phrase... F**K THAT!

ADDICTION

2009-11-16T20:31:00.001Z

A few years ago I badly wanted a copy of Trainspotting, the debut novel that made Irvine Welsh a massive literary star, of course in no small part to the iconic generation-defining movie based on the book.

I’d seen the film quite a few times and loved it. I bought the soundtrack on CD and played it until it wouldn’t anymore. So to me, absorbing the book was the last stage in completing the Trainspotting enterprise. The problem was that I am a cheapskate and I barely read. So I was only ready to read the book if either someone was willing to give me a copy, lend it to me or if I found it in a cheap second hand bookshop.

While the best second hand bookshop in Belfast had many slightly ruffled copies of Irvine Welsh’s novels (Porno, Filth, Ecstasy) I could never find Trainspotting. Perhaps it’s one that people like to hold on to? But then I ventured into the shop and had two surprises. The first was based on a book I had just ordered on Amazon for a total of £4.09: Allen Carr’s Easyway To Stop Smoking. A bargain I thought. I bought this book because while I had a copy in the house, had completed it and had given up smoking already, I had two friends who wanted to borrow it at the same time. I had placed my online order for the book and swiftly discovered around seven copies of the Easyway book in the second hand bookshop, each priced £2. Seven copies! And that was without even trying to find them.

The second surprise was seeing around the same number of copies of Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting and joy was returned to me to discover another bargain: £2. For someone who doesn’t read a lot of books, I do love that wee bookshop!

I’m now about halfway through it. The most obvious things all to come mind, so I don’t want to spend too much time saying them all again (reading Scottish slang takes a little while to get used to, the book makes the film seem like a Disney movie etc.) but I was quite intrigued when I read the chapter where Mark Renton reflects, quite astutely, on the psychology of what might lead to a life of petty crime and Heroin addiction.

To me addiction is a process and while there is a minefield of clichés I could utter on the subject and I’m sure many characters in Trainspotting would despise me for probing it, the process of addiction is the same no matter what your drug of choice.

When I hear smokers say things like, “I’ll probably give it up soon” or “I’ll try to quit one of these days” I feel a mixture of humour and frustration. I don’t believe them for a second and it is obvious people make these statements without really thinking about what they’re saying. ‘I’ll probably give it up soon’ implies no genuine certainty or assertiveness about quitting; it’s the constant mantra of the guilty smoker: “Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or next week etc” (which translates to them telling you: Just get off my back, OK?)

I feel the same frustration and slight amusement (and pity) when I see smokers who say, “I’m not addicted, I can quit when I want” as they light up and join in on the ‘social’ smoking with friends in the outside smoking area of a bar.

These delusional statements are exactly the same with any other addiction and I know I’ve heard myself say similar things when I was addicted to smoking cannabis everyday, all those years ago. “I’ll quit for three months, just to prove to myself I can, then I’ll know that I can control it.” And when I failed to reach that three month mark?

“Well I managed to stay off it for a few weeks and I feel a lot better now, so that’s OK”.

But the fact is, these are the words of an addict in total denial of their addiction.

I have often thought how hard it must be for counsellors, social workers, psychologists, carers, parents, friends and families who try to help someone deal with their addiction. How emotionally exhausting it must be to see someone destroy themselves, sometimes without even realising they’re doing it. Either oblivious to how serious their problem is and finding the concerns of others totally unwarranted, or so far gone that they simply refuse to acknowledge how much damage they’re causing.

However, I finally came to my conclusion a while ago, after witnessing a couple of close friends fall into drugs or alcohol abuse.

At the end of the day, it is their life. And while that initially may seem insensitive, it isn’t. For an addict goes through many stages of their addiction and throughout these stages you may try to help, intervene, scare them, support them etc. and you’ll pull your hair out and wear yourself down emotionally for absolutely nothing. Because there is only one point in the addiction process where an addict is going to acknowledge any of these expressions of concern or hands of help being reached out to them and that is when the addict finally accepts the full extent of what his addiction is.

It’s when the addict stops living in denial of his problem.

One day, about eleven years ago, I woke up and I made a decision, “I have to quit taking this drug as it’s having obvious negative effects on my life!” Clearly at that time certain things in my life had been so bad that I came to this decision. Perhaps other people advised me, perhaps I simply felt depressed and lethargic all the time. Whatever the circumstances I knew that my addiction to cannabis had gotten so bad that I needed to stop and reflect on my usage.

At that point I tried to make a realistic goal for myself, “If I can quit for three months, I’ll have proven to myself I can control my usage of this drug, instead of letting it control me”. However, pretty soon I was overwhelmed with this idea that I’d done ‘enough’ to prove to myself I was in control and so this original goal I made for myself was now selectively wiped out of my own memory.

So to summarise, I had a plan: I would convince myself I was in control of this addiction by staying off this drug for 3 months

I had a result: Failure after less than 2 months.

And so the outcome: I unequivocally proved to myself that I was NOT in control of my addiction at all.

Cue several more months of drug abuse. Of course every addict has excuses and their particular experience is unique and complex, but it's one of the most frustrating things to see someone you care about caught in that spiral of addiction (at whatever point), you can so clearly see their future and yet feel unable to do anything about it. Especially if you've already been through it yourself.

SANE.org.uk

2009-11-14T17:50:00.000Z

http://www.sane.org.uk/

Yes. As mentioned before I have found a charity to try and raise money for and I think this one is especially deserving given my own mental illness experiences and that of others very close to me. I definitely feel strongly about some of the attitudes in society that treat people with any of sort of mental illness with distrust and disapproval. I think that while there are obviously carers and professional people out there who take the welfare of their patients seriously, my experience has shown me that a lot of institutions are more than happy to ply people with medication and send them on their way. People close to me who have suffered from mental illness have received totally inadequate support from our health services and I find this is partly due to a large misunderstanding to what people's needs are.

Anyway, when I seen that raising awareness and providing help to people with mental illness are two of SANE's main goals, I thought they would be a great organisation to try to support an I very much hope I can convince you to feel the same way too.

In their own words:

SANE has three objectives:

To raise awareness and respect for people with mental illness and their families and secure better services
To undertake research into the causes of serious mental illness through The Prince of Wales International Centre for SANE Research
To provide help and information to those experiencing mental health problems, their families and carers throughSANEline and SANEmail.

Raising awareness

SANE campaigns to combat stigma and ignorance and improve care, giving nearly 400 interviews each year on national and local television and radio, generating hundreds of column inches in the press and participating in government and professional initiatives.

Major concerns highlighted by SANE have been the prevention of suicide and self-harm, the improverishment of psychiatric wards and services, the need for a better balance between rights in mental health law, and the link between cannabis and psychosis.

SANE's Art Awards have encouraged nearly 200 artists and writer with serious mental illness to explore their creative ability.

Undertaking research

In 2003 SANE opened The Prince of Wales International Centre for SANE Research in Oxford. Under the guidance of Professor Tim Crow the centre aims to establish the causes of and better treatments forschizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and to act as an international forum, disseminating education, awareness and information to other scientists and the public.

Providing help

SANE's national telephone helpline, SANEline, was set up in 1992. SANEline volunteers currently handle an average of over 2000 calls every month from men, women and children affected by mental health problems as well as their carers and health professionals.

SANE's vision is to use its proven helpline expertise to reach many more people affected by mental illness, their families and friends. In 2007, SANEmail was launched. This new email support service provides vital online support to people who may find talking about their mental health problems difficult, or who perhaps can't use the phone because of a disability.

We cannot do this without your help and support so please consider making a donation or perhaps offering your time as a volunteer on SANEline or SANEmail.

I've also setup a page at Just Giving and added a widget to this blog so people can find it even easier to donate!

So that's all for now. I'm onstage in a couple of hours here at SARC, supporting Chris Corsano. I'm wearing my SANE t-shirt and hopefully there will be some video (and maybe some photos) to follow!

DAY 15

2009-11-14T02:02:00.000Z

Things have been hectic the last few days as I get prepared for a gig tomorrow evening.

More info (and tickets) here.

I haven't yet had time to blog about the great news of the charity I'm going to be raising money for with my Sober For A Year Challenge, but I have received their info in the post along with a couple of t-shirts! I shall be proudly wearing one onstage while performing tomorrow.

I'm still sober and feeling good for it. I haven't done my exercise in the last few days and partly that was my sore foot (which is fine now), the miserable weather and nearly entirely pure laziness. Oh well.

....mañana. mañana. mañana.

Diet wise: mostly boiled eggs, brown nutty bread and camomile tea! So tonight I 'rewarded' myself with a dirty Mixed Chicken Kebab from the take away around the corner. Oh it was delicious.

Bought some sweeties from the shop beside that too. Well, it's for all my 'hard work' spending hours here in college to practice, prepare and program the technology I'm using in my setup (A laptop running a Max/MSP patch, a Korg Kaoss Pad and NanoKontrol, an M-Audio 49e).

The last three nights I've been doing all nighters here, (3am, 6am then tonight, probably about 2:30am) so for once I'm actually glad my job puts my sleeping pattern all out of sync.

Just winding down now, typing this from a Mac in the SARC, MA Lab (leaving my laptop and gear here, all plugged in, setup and ready to go). This is also probably the last time I'll be here in this part of the SARC. Tomorrow will be a nice way to say goodbye to the place. Looking forward to performing and then getting to enjoy Chris Corsano's performance afterwards.

Bye for now.

Day 12

2009-11-11T05:21:00.000Z

ARRRGGHHH I can't sleeeeeeeeeep!! Damn you WEEKEND OF NIGHT SHIFT!!!

It's 5:25 am and I feel about as sleepy as an insomniac washing himself in a shower of espresso.

Yesterday, as in Tuesday 10th November, I spent sometime sorting out a passport, renewing my library membership, drinking far too much coffee and then pummelling the crap out of my cousin's drumkit and guitars. Good times.

In other less frantic and despairing news, in fact in wonderfully good news:

I have found a charity that I am going to donate all the proceeds of my Sober For A Year challenge to. I shall explain more about this when I am in a better condition at a less hideous hour of the day.

At which point I shall expect you all to dig deep and give generously. Or else!
Actually is threatening people a positive way to win over their willingness to donate money to a just and worthy cause?

Perhaps not.

Well anyway, good 'night' for now...

Day 10

2009-11-09T04:57:00.000Z

Walking to and from work is going well.
Eating too many Walkers Mango Chilli crisps (but it's only 92p for 6 packets!) however. Cycling or swimming is becoming a more and more sensible idea.

Pros:
Swimming would exercise more of my body.
Cycling would probably be a better 'cardio' workout (or something).
I live close to QUB's Gym. There's also FitSpace not far from me.
There's also Falls Swimming Pool. Andersonstown Leisure centre. Olympia Leisure centre. All within reasonable distance to me.

Cons:
Gyms are too expensive and I don't want to sign up to some contract.
I feel awfully prudish about getting into wee swimming trunks / been years since I've gotten naked around other men in the shower room. Feel all... umm... Yea...

These are pretty weak "cons" aren't they?

I can just use the leisure centres the odd time, just to see if I like them before signing any contract. As for swimming trunks, I can use shorts. Stripping off in shower room? I can use a towel.

OK. No more silly excuses.

I am also considering buying a bike again.
Someone stole my last one. Though to be honest I was kinda glad, as I was about to move house and it wouldn't have fit in the removal van. Plus I was sick of constantly fixing punctures on it.

Still haven't found a charity to do all this for. I was thinking Children In Need which is coming up on the 20th November, but I don't know if a year long fundraiser would appeal to them. I suppose I could phone them. Must research a bit more...